Do I keep hanging on or should I finally just let go?

[whiterock girl]

Hello everyone,

 

I am new to this, but have been reading other people's posts for a week now. You are all very helpful and supportive, so I am asking for some feedback regarding my situation. I am at a crossroads and am confused.

 

My ex and I have been on and off for 6 yrs (mostly off) until last year. We got back together in Mar/04 and moved in together in Sept 04. As soon as we moved in together, it started to fall apart. He has problems with depression & intimacy and could not commit fully to living together (ie: slept on the couch from the day we moved in together) After 3 months of basically living like roommates, we had a big blow out in December and we decided maybe it was best if he moved out. He said he needed to be alone. He moved out one week before Xmas '04. One week later, he ran into an ex of his from high school (10 years ago) and they started 'hanging out' as friends. He then proceeded to bring her to a New Year's party that we were both going to, even though I expressed to him I would not appreciate him bringing her to the party (more mess: we have the same group of very close friends, so we cross paths occasionally) as bringing her would be upsetting to me. He brought her anyway, but proceeded to tell anyone who would listen to the problems the he & I had been having. She just stood by him all night and said nothing.

 

They kept dating and then she moved in with him in Mar. 05 and they then announced in Apr that she is expecting a baby in Dec.05 and they would be getting married in July 05. (he and I spoke of having children, but it appears he is sterile. There is a lot of evidence pointing in this direction) Throughout the time they were dating and then moved in together, I was hearing from our mutual friends that she was cheating on him with her other 4 ex-fiances and was also involved in online dating etc. (She has a history of cheating, is mentally unstable, a real gem!!) With him being more than likely sterile, this would be fairly obvious that she is in fact cheating. But, he knows his limitations and seemed to be accepting to the fact that he was going to be a father, so I never said anything to him nor did any of his friends. I was of course very devastated when I heard they were getting married, but I did not call him or try to stop him etc..it is his life.

Well, last week he called me (he had not done so since Jan. 05) to ask me what rumours I had heard about her and what he should do. I point blank asked him if he thought this child was actually his and he acknowledges, that probably it is not his child and that he has also caught her on the phone with her exes late at night when she thinks he is sleeping.

I told him to go to the Dr. to find out 100% that he is sterile and then to proceed from there.

While talking to him, it brought back all the feelings I had for him and made me EXTREMELY sad that we are not still together and I almost called him babe, sweetie etc...while we were on the phone, even though I was able to stop myself. I realized then that I am not even close to being over him and need some advice from you helpful people.

I guess my questions are this:

1) Why would he call me to ask for advice on this? The history we have goes back a long way and is deep. To deep for me to give him an unbiased opinion, and he knows this.

2) Should I once and for all move on or wait for when he gets out of this and be there for him when he is ready? (He expressed to me that he will be leaving her regardless if the child is his or not)

 

My heart is aching and I really would appreciate any comments that anyone has. Thanks. (And sorry for such a long post)

[sidehop]

If he IS the father it just may complicate things & I'm sure you don't want to be involved in that. If he isn't it maybe a good news for both of you but it'll depend on how he reacts...and what feelings he has for this girl.

 

I wouldn't give your hopes up as it sounds like you still care & love him but be strong and follow your heart is all I can say

[DN]

First some advice for him:

 

As you say he should check to see if he is sterile.

If he is not then he should make sure he gets a DNA test done asap to establish paternity.

 

You should decide what you want and proceed accordingly. You need to know if you want to risk another relationship with him, if you can trust he will not break your heart again and if you can put right what went wrong before. Especially, he needs to deal with his depression and intimacy issues.

 

You should also decide if you can accept his sterility if you want marriage and a family Or, that he may be the father and will have to support the child financially and as a father should do - which also means dealing with her.

 

If you think it through and want him back, you will have to wait until he breaks up with her - and be aware that he may not.

[whiterock girl]

Thanks for the advice. It really is like a bad soap opera and sometimes I can't believe that it's my life. I realize that he may never leave her and that is a bitter pill for me to swallow. I thought I was getting on with things but when he called me, it just brought it all back. When things were good with us, they were the best. We have a connection that never seems to dim, no matter if either of us is with someone else or not. He does have issues, I am aware of that and would be willing to work on things if we ever did make it to the getting back together point. I am also ok with the fact that he may never be able to have children as I am not sure if I ever want them either.

 

I think deep down I know I should just keep trying to move on, but our connection pulls me back.

 

I guess I will wait to see if he gets his sterility tested and leaves her (or not) and go from there.

 

Thanks again.