10 years ending-for the right reasons?

[Mr Meh]

Advance warning: this is a long one, and very unfocused. My confusion is evident in the fact that I'm not even sure where to start.

 

I have been with my spouse (common-law not married) for about 10 years. We both have 16 yr old daughters from previous relationships and we have a 3 yr old daughter together. About a week ago I technically ended our relationship although nothing definite has been decided. I am trying to sort things out in my head and that is why I am here, as I seem to be getting nowhere on my own.

Our life together has had numerous ups and downs, mostly to do with mental issues (low self esteem, previous breakdowns) on her part in conjunction with gambling and alcohol issues and , of course, my reaction to these things. My reactions have ranged from support (emotionally and financially) to physical violence (about 5-6 yrs ago). This particular incident led to her breaking up with me and my enrollment in an Alternatives to Violence group which helped me a great deal. In hindsight I see that our reunion was more for me to be forgiven than because I loved her.

Since I began seeing her (from the first) I knew she was not the right person for me..different morals, different backgrounds, different tastes in pretty much everything but I felt loved and certainly I think got an ego boost out of helping her with her various issues. She was always very secretive and refused to allow me to "control" her as she saw it when I would ask questions about her activities. This is mostly related to gambling which she has since "quit" for the 500th time. I feel it is only a matter of time before she continues with her habit, and that constant fear is part of the problem. She also likes to drink and to stay out all night sometimes, also leaving me to worry that it is just a matter of time before something happens (ie cheating or other things that happen when people are drunk). She has cheated on me in the past year, and I suspect at earlier times too (for instance she stayed out for 2 days without contact, told me f*&k myself when I asked her where she'd been which led to the violent confrontation I mentioned..and she subsequently began dating someone within days). I asked her to leave the house the last time this happened and, after 3 days of phone calls, suicide and "going crazy" threats, took her back to work it out. Generally the above describes the negative part of our relationship.

The positive, is that despite all this, she is one of the most (on the surface) cheerful and wonderful individuals I have ever met. I do love her as a person and as a friend after all this time. She is a terrific mother (although our older daughters have witnessed too much of the bad side) and a genuinely caring person.

I have my own bad traits. I smoke weed (which has gone from recreational to "medicinal" over the last couple of years) and tend to spend a lot of time on the computer which of course makes me avoid spending time with her. I had one drunken kissing incident with a mutual friend which I confessed to her when I found out about her recent cheating and which she uses as a equalizer for hers. Maybe it is.

I recently met a woman on the internet in what started as a casual chat and quickly developed into strong feelings. We have mutual interests and she is very much more aligned with me than my spouse. Once this got to a point where I felt I was betraying my spouse, I asked my new friend to understand that I had to make some life decisions and then dropped the bomb on my spouse. This new woman is more of a catalyst in making me realize how unhappy I am and that I have to do something about it, than she is a potential "replacement" love interest. I have had very little contact with this new woman (none of a 'flirting" nature) since, and have given up the smoke so I have a clear head. My spouse believes I am having a mid-life crisis and blames it all on the 'new' woman (who is 12 years my junior and who has agreed with me that there really is no possibility of a relationship in the near future due to distance and all this other crap). My spouse thinks we should get counselling together and try to work on our relationship; to try and salvage 10 years (a very long time really). I have no interest in this (I don't think) and can't decide what to do. Can counselling actually heal all of this? My spouse says she wants to change, to try and become a stronger better person, but obviously I have serious doubts. I think she could if she took the time on her own.

I apologize for the length and rambling nature of this post. It has turned into a general blast of thought which is the only way I could really get the whole picture in. It must look like a redneck Jerry Springer episode to people on the outside, but we are "normal" lol middle class people.

In a nutshell, am I using the new girl as an escape or could I have a legitimate reason for finally finding the effort to go through all the messiness of finally ending this? I'm not blind to the emotional turmoil this will cause for the next while in all of our lives (mainly the children's). I am really confused about how to find the love that I don't think I ever really had for my spouse. I want to delete all of this because as I wrote it all out I can see how it must look..seems like a no-brainer..but agggghhhh...any opinions are more than welcome.

Thanks (if you got this far)

[GettingOverIt]

First of all, I'm glad you opted NOT to delete it all... Secondly, no it does not look like some hick-induced Jerry Springer episode....

 

You are obviously very torn up about everything... It is not an easy decision to make... Will counseling help? Maybe so... People can change, if they want to. The bigger question may be whether or not you WANT to go to counseling to work this out....

 

Yes, a break-up will mean lots of turmoil, but it is what is at the end of the turmoil that matters... I have been dealing with similar issues in that I am trying to figure out where to cut out the things that make me 'not happy' in an effort to find 'happiness.' Maybe you can start there...

 

I find it interesting that when some people get to the point of leaving, the realization that maybe they didn't really 'love' the other person comes into play... I went through the same thing... That I did not love my wife, and maybe never really had... I am still battling some of that, and you are too...

 

One of the things you may get asked is this: Do you WANT to save this relationship? You have to be open and honest with yourself, or you will make your life HECK!! Think about that - do you WANT to try and save this relationship? If the answer is NO, then get out. If it is YES, then work toward that and forget about other women, other things, etc....

 

Neither way is easy... I truly wish you the best...

[cleverme123]

I have some very clear views for you.

 

First off, you can never work on a relationship that has any problems in it with someone else (your computer gal) involved. The bad will seem worse. She is younger than you which will no doubt boost your ego, and all the bad stuff you tell her is simply to unload your problems and your mind.

 

Counseling on her behave is needed. She needs two things individual and couples counseling. You aren't going to want the counseling if you have this other woman involved. She needs to stop the gambling and gamblers anon is always a good place to start. You need to stop the weed smoking, do you not think your oldest kids know what is going on. You all have a ton of issues that need worked out and yes a therapist can help.

 

Recently although I had to trick my husband to go, we started. Little background info, my husband has a cheating, lying, control problem. He has been married twice and I am the third. I was too the point I thought I was crazy, things were going down hill I was so ready to bail. Then the counseling started up. It gave me a chance to talk to him without being judged and without fear he would yell, hit me, etc.

 

It's an awesome idea. You need to start from the bottom and work on the things that are most important first. The girls should also get a chance to tell you all what they think where without it they won't talk. You said they saw too much and you need to know what they saw and how they feel.

 

I think where you are your relationship can be saved but it will take incredible amounts of time and commitment from you both.

 

Good Luck and call that counselor!

[Mr Meh]

Thanks for the replies, both good ones.

To clarify, I have not discussed any issues with the internet woman. Just simply said that she makes me feel too good for the situation I'm in and that I need to get some stuff straight. It would be far too easy for me to fall into the "bash" my spouse trap and she is mature enough not to go there.

[DN]

A lot of problems and anger. And anger clouds judgment and mask other emotions to the point of apparent disappearance. Including love and affection.

 

I advise the counsellor. Choose a good one who doesn't see his or her job as an advocate for one side or the other, or to get you two back together solely, but one who acts as a catalyst so that both of you can discover what you really feel and what you really want. That may be reconciliation but a good counsellor will also be able to let you realise that it may be better to part amicably.

 

When you have to explain matters of fact, and how you feel, so a third party can understand it can bring clarity to both your partner and yourself.

[GettingOverIt]

Great advice DN! When I first started seeing my counselor, I felt like I was being 'pushed' into working things out at home, even though I wasn't sure it was what I wanted... After a couple of sessions, she said that our goal was not to 'make' me work things out, but rather to break things down into manageble parts, and then if I decided to leave, we would go from there. If I decided to stay, we would go from there... It released a TON of pressure and axiety, just knowing that I could be free to choose what I felt was best for me... Still working on it...