Good love, bad circumstances

[luciddreamer]

Hi,

How to force yourself to fall out of love?

I last posted two weeks ago about wanting to show my ex bf that i have changed and can now accept responsibility for my share of our downfall and my personal issues. We were together 3 years, 1.5 long distance and then we lived together the rest. Unfortunately we had long-standing problems we didn't work on sufficiently b/c both of us were preoccupied (med/grad school apps, bad job situation, unemployment, etc) and after several months separated again when I went back to school back fall, we broke up. I changed as a result.

 

We have stayed in touch after I let him know I wanted him back and still loved him. I have been keeping it on a friend level to build back the trust (as suggested by some wise posters) except one conversation 10 days ago where we really dug deep and he admitted he still loves me and hopes we could get back together if we ended up in the same place someday....but he was steadfast that we couldn't reinitiate now when I'm on another coast and so much up in the air (He has been seeing someone... to explore...has told her it can't go beyond his moving away)

 

So, anyway, the big variable was where he would get into med school...in our home state or somewhere far flung?(I'm moving back home in one year). Well today he got the news that he was waitlisted at the U in our home state so chances are not great. He has an offer from a school that is actually much better ranked, etc.

 

In the past week he had been making signs that he really wanted to get in at the med school back home (disparaged it earlier b/c of the less stellar program) and i wondered if it was to do with me/us.

 

So tonight he called to say he was waitlisted and it's really frustrating.He was 'heartbroken' too... I feel now with certainty that we could work out the reasons we broke up if together physically again. it's pretty obvious to me now that this is the only thing holding him back and he still has deep feelings for me. tonight he underscored his sadness about that aspect..."does this mean there's no hope for us...that i should give up?" he said. he even half asked if i would go out there. i said we just have to see what happens...it's gonna work out how it should. there is a small chance to get off waitlist later in the summer.

 

OK, so to get to the main question. I have no idea how to give up when the whole thing is so unfair and externally decided (about the distance). In theory I could move over there for 4 years, but that would entail radically shifting a lot of carefully considered priorities for work and family. My parents are getting older and my career passions center around my home state. I could do a year or two, but...

 

Has anyone been in this situation where the love was good but the circumstances bad? How to let go---try to pull the bandaid off quickly or deintensify gradually into friends...?

 

Thanks

[pizzachick13]

i think that you guys could have something great but you are very right... your circumstances are very bad.

 

i suggest that you guys deintensify to friends and then perhaps in the future heat things up a bit again and see where it takes you. if you think you cant help but love him, then love him, but do it very subtly so that it doesn't hurt you or him too much. if you guys make it (and i hope you do) then things will be much better.

 

Sappho Wishes You Good Luck And Good Life...

[luciddreamer]

Thanks Sappho.

I love your 'poems' (I majored in english)

I am going to see him in about a week and hope to know for sure either way. I am not going to expect anything...will try my best to see the big picture and approach it with acceptance