shineyboot Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 I am at risk of over-posting with my issues but I truly value all the feedback on this forum. I have noticed that I seem to have a theme in my love life of 'bad endings' and I would like to change this in the future. Bad endings that leave me feeling regretful, sad and shameful and plain embarrassed. Generally the theme is that I say too much, get emotional and don't just leave things, liking as I do to have the last word. Generally speaking I'm a very calm, polite person but when it comes to break ups... I seem to find it very hard to do this. I spoke with a friend who is quite passive as a person and says that she hasn't had endings like this, her relationships just 'fade' or it is agreed that they part and it is mutual. I really wish I could be more mature and measured. Later on I would like to say sorry for being emotional but I am usually blocked and the exes want nothing to do with me and maybe this is for the best on both sides. I know I wouldn't be able to cope with being friends with exes like some are. I am working on hard on just walking away with dignity without losing my cool. I seem to have a need to make people understand who don't want to listen and block me and are happy to never see or speak to me again without knowing why. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 Have you considered that it's all about being able to let go? Just consider a bad relationship like bad milk that is past the expiration date. You wouldn't keep consuming more of it and risk get sick, right? You would simply dump it down the drain and get a fresh carton, no? So it's like that. When it's expired and could make you sick, you get rid of it. Link to comment
shineyboot Posted February 11, 2019 Author Share Posted February 11, 2019 Yes I agree but if I hadn't sent hundreds of texts and given out insults I might feel less shameful. Link to comment
FleurDeLys Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 I agree with Wiseman2 that you might need to learn to let go. As for exs blocking you without saying why, some people like to do that once it's over so they can move on as opposed to keep clinging onto something that's already broken (the relationship). Once a relationship is over, I personally find it counter productive to keep in touch with exs, in most situations. It's likely going to just bring more unnecessary drama. The fact that you get very emotional and liking to have the last word could also be a reason why they block you. It's also extremely draining to deal with an ex who won't let you be once it's over and like to have the last word. Ask yourself why you feel so compelled to have the last word? Is it because maybe part of you wish to win them back and are unable to let go of the past? Are you trying to prove yourself something? Why do you still want to talk so bad to your ex about negative emotions when the relationship wasn't making both or one of you happy? Here, I think you need to understand that just because a relationship ends doesn't mean it's a reflection of your self-worth. Rather than get emotional, take a step back, reflect on why the relationship ended and learn the lessons that are to be learned, even it's not necessarily your fault it wend bad. For instance, if a relationship ended up because of opposite views on values one party considered very important, maybe learn from this that next time it might be best to take a bit more time in the dating phase and really getting to know the person before jumping straight into serious things. Basically, see relationships and life lessons and catharisis for self-growth, both bad and good relationships, rather than a reflection of your self-worth. There are plenty of people out there to meet. Here, I think you really need to reflect on why it's so hard for you to let go, why do you always need to have the last word, why is it that once it's over you still cling onto your exs. Are you insecure in relationships or in life in general? When a relationship end do you feel as though it'll be hard for you to find new partners? Are you generally someone who tends to stay in the past rather see the future? Try to ask yourself those questions to determine what is the real source of the problem so you can start to work on it, in the future. Good part here is that you've already acknowledged there are things you need to work in the future, so that's already one step towards improvement and maturity. Link to comment
shineyboot Posted February 11, 2019 Author Share Posted February 11, 2019 I don't send them messages because I don't want things to end. It is often because I've had enough, I tell them exactly what I think of them and reasons why I am dumping them. Of course I get blocked. I don't want them back, my only regret is my behaviour. Link to comment
shineyboot Posted February 11, 2019 Author Share Posted February 11, 2019 I often think it is because I have so little going on friends-wise, that it is difficult to let go. However my personality is one of a dweller, I'm not negative but like to think deeply about everything. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 Yes I agree but if I hadn't sent hundreds of texts and given out insults I might feel less shameful. This is more about learning to control your emotions and express yourself maturely. Link to comment
shineyboot Posted February 11, 2019 Author Share Posted February 11, 2019 Yes I agree MissCanuck, it is all about that. Something I struggle with. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 Ok. Start right here and let go of this regret. It's over and can't be undone. However the good news is you can choose from now forward to let things go. Letting go is a learned art. Try some books on letting go. Even some spiritual teachings emphasis this, such as Zen Buddhism, Ecclesiastes, etc. because of the peace found in it once this art is mastered. You will have to learn this because life is full of losses. but if ...... Link to comment
shineyboot Posted February 11, 2019 Author Share Posted February 11, 2019 I can let go - there have been several in the past I've found hard to let go off but have eventually. I'm still left with many questions unanswered that is my problem. I understand that it doesn't matter but I like to understand. Like why don't some people want to engage to discuss the endings? Is it because they don't want to look at themselves and their behaviour? Aren't they left with questions like me? Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 Because they know how to let go!why don't some people want to engage to discuss the endings? Link to comment
shineyboot Posted February 11, 2019 Author Share Posted February 11, 2019 One of my issues is that I am very deep thinking - not saying this in a superior way, it is a curse. I always want to know things that can't be understood unless the other person is self aware enough and motivated enough to share. Which they often aren't. Some people really don't care how or why their relationships end they just go from one to the next. Link to comment
shineyboot Posted February 11, 2019 Author Share Posted February 11, 2019 Isn't that where the learning is Wiseman? I mean in discussing the ending, otherwise is it really 'moving on' with learning or just moving on. I think that there is a difference. Link to comment
shineyboot Posted February 11, 2019 Author Share Posted February 11, 2019 I agree some people know how to let go, but some people also know how to stuff down the feelings, not think about it and not even try to understand it. I got blocked the minute I even tried to discuss the situation with one guy. Clearly he didn't want to talk about anything. I don't get that, how can you expect to have a healthy relationship without dialogue. I understand that many don't really want to do any work around discussing difficult feelings. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 How are you approaching these discussions at the end of a relationship, OP? I think a lot of this probably lies in how emotion-fueled these conversations start out. You said you've been insulting and sent hundreds of messages before. That doesn't exactly set the groundwork for an open conversation. In other cases, it probably depends on how deep the relationship was, why it ended, and how others sometimes don't handle delicate subject matter very well. Not everyone wants to have deep discussions about a breakup. Link to comment
shineyboot Posted February 11, 2019 Author Share Posted February 11, 2019 Yes all very true. I had emotion fuelled communications in the past, but looking at the types of men involved I'm sure they would have shut down even if it was a compassionate, calm and mature conversation. The result would have been the same - shut down and blocking. Some people just don't want to know. I've learnt this, because even during the relationships when on good terms they have shut down the second I express or discuss a feeling. It has led me to believe that men can't cope with my emotions so that is why I'm single. I'm always going to be emotional - always have been since birth, of course I can learn to manage my feelings better and have done for the most part. I have to believe that not ALL men are put off by a woman getting emotional and are man enough to cope with it and help me support me with my feelings. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 Can you explain what you do or say when you get emotional? Do you cry? Do you raise your voice? Do you plead? If you can be more specific about how you express your emotions, we can probably give you better suggestions about changing your approach. Link to comment
shineyboot Posted February 11, 2019 Author Share Posted February 11, 2019 I just get a bit over the top, tearful yes. It is usually a result of months of bottling up and frustration. It can be over small things. Here is an extract from my journal which led to an emotional meltdown on my part: Him (after two weeks of not contacting me) Hey how are you? me - How was your holiday? (feeling a bit emotional as I thought I'd never hear from him again but playing cool) him - 'good time thanks' me - x Did you see the northern lights? Him - 'Yeah, great thanks' me (snapping) 'Are you interested in getting to know me better or are you just bored because I'm getting that impression?' him - 'You don't seem that into me' me - 'How do you mean? him - nothing - phone switched off. me - ' you don't seem that into me!' In fact I think we should end it now, I feel like I am wasting my time' (and many more like this) The End. Link to comment
shineyboot Posted February 11, 2019 Author Share Posted February 11, 2019 Writing it down makes me realise how pathetic he was! Link to comment
shineyboot Posted February 11, 2019 Author Share Posted February 11, 2019 Thanks for the advice, I think it is time to move on. Sometimes there are bad endings and I can't change the past. I will try to learn from it. Link to comment
Gary Snyder Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 Women are the ones who break up with men first usually. and yes, they like to get in the last word - they like to win. I'm not saying it's bad or good, it's just reality. So this sounds normal. As far as closure goes, get busy with friends, family, work, hobbies, life, and even dating a new guy. And time is the best healer. Link to comment
shineyboot Posted February 11, 2019 Author Share Posted February 11, 2019 I'm glad it sounds normal. I don't' talk to other women about relationships so I don't know what normal is. I feel abnormal, but I'm sure others have these issues. I was hoping to read about them on this forum. Link to comment
MissCanuck Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 I just get a bit over the top, tearful yes. It is usually a result of months of bottling up and frustration. It can be over small things. Here is an extract from my journal which led to an emotional meltdown on my part: Him (after two weeks of not contacting me) Hey how are you? me - How was your holiday? (feeling a bit emotional as I thought I'd never hear from him again but playing cool) him - 'good time thanks' me - x Did you see the northern lights? Him - 'Yeah, great thanks' me (snapping) 'Are you interested in getting to know me better or are you just bored because I'm getting that impression?' him - 'You don't seem that into me' me - 'How do you mean? him - nothing - phone switched off. me - ' you don't seem that into me!' In fact I think we should end it now, I feel like I am wasting my time' (and many more like this) The End. Well, who was this guy exactly? A boyfriend? Someone you went out with a couple times? I'm trying to determine if you're jumping the gun and overreacting to a lacklustre text conversation, or if you were accurately assessing low interest on his part. The fact that you told him you just wanted to end it is fine, if that's how you felt, but you say you then sent "many" more messages like that. What was the content of these subsequent messages? In the future, if you tell someone over text that you're done, you can't really expect them to want to interact with you thereafter. Link to comment
shineyboot Posted February 11, 2019 Author Share Posted February 11, 2019 I had five dates with him. Link to comment
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