8 months...still in love but not...so confused...

[Raven44]

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 8 months now and have been in love for much of it. Now though I am not sure. I still feel that I love him, but it is not in the same romantic "never-off-my-mind" way anymore. We are currently in the beginning of a NC break that is supposed to last 2 weeks but I cannot see that anything will change.

 

My reaction to this change was to break up with him...Was that a wrong decision? Am I putting him through hell for no good reason? I feel like I need time to live my life with no attachments; for the past 2 years I have had 3 long-term boyfriends; and I want to know what being "single" is like. Am I just being selfish?

 

We are supposed to go to dinner in 2 weeks, after this break. I have told him that nothing will change, but he is so optimistic. How can I do this to him when he is trying so hard?

 

It feels like I am just giving up....being a peccimest(sp?) But after much thinking I know it has to happen....What am I going to do?

[SpyGames]

You need to be single for about a year to clear your head after a serious relationship...otherwise you will carry baggage after baggage...you'll end up as the girl "with issues"...trust me..im experience...and end up alone

[ZenDreams]

You need to be single for about a year to clear your head after a serious relationship...otherwise you will carry baggage after baggage...you'll end up as the girl "with issues"...trust me..im experience...and end up alone

 

I disagree. Every girl is different. I was in far more serious relationships yet I did not need a year to sort out the baggage. A 'year' is a length of time that differs with the person.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 8 months now and have been in love for much of it. Now though I am not sure. I still feel that I love him, but it is not in the same romantic "never-off-my-mind" way anymore. We are currently in the beginning of a NC break that is supposed to last 2 weeks but I cannot see that anything will change.

 

All those feelings mean is that you've gotten yourself out of the stage of your relationship where the 'excess' feelings. It does not mean that you're falling 'out-of-love' with him.

 

My reaction to this change was to break up with him...Was that a wrong decision? Am I putting him through hell for no good reason? I feel like I need time to live my life with no attachments; for the past 2 years I have had 3 long-term boyfriends; and I want to know what being "single" is like. Am I just being selfish?

 

We are supposed to go to dinner in 2 weeks, after this break. I have told him that nothing will change, but he is so optimistic. How can I do this to him when he is trying so hard?

 

Maybe it will change. I tell you this because you need to exercise all options before you do something you regret. I broke up with my LTR when I was 19 and I now know it was just something we needed to work through.

 

Is he supporting the idea of working things out with you?

 

It feels like I am just giving up....being a peccimest(sp?) But after much thinking I know it has to happen....What am I going to do?

 

It's starting to sound to me like you're scared that it's possible to work it out too. Is that true?

[HajiMaji]

I like what the dude above me said. It might not take a year for all, but a long time in between deep relationships is good, cause ya want to be fully healed.

 

So, connecting with a new person is one of the most exciting things on the planet. Even if you were friends with someone for years, once two people start expieriencing rommance its almost intoxicating.

 

Obviously, life will never be like this for ever. Things die down, and those crazy on your mind feelings will die down. Your love doesnt have to though. Try to root your love deep and learn to appretiate the other person for who they are and youll find your love growing instead of diminishing.

 

Well, i got on a huge tangent.. Ok, what is it you want to change in the relationship? You said your doing 2 weeks of NC "but you cannont see that anything will change." It sorta sounds like your bored with the relationship.

[SpyGames]

if you look at her message closely, she already has some issues...note the fact that she wants to be single??...ok...why witha nother serious relationship?...anyways good luck girl

[Raven44]

He is the one that brought up the "break"...I started off not supporting the idea because I thought it would just drag us both through an emotional mine field and end up in the same place. I know that I have not fallen out of love with him, but I have just come to the realization that if I keep going in this relationship it will lead nowhere and end up hurting him more than he deserves. He is a wonderful person and I just couldnt live with myself if I hurt him twice as much later on when I could have prevented it. I dont want to be doing this to him now; it is just tearing me up inside, but I cant take it anymore...

[SpyGames]

raven, trust me..you need to be alone..single for a while ok...clear your head...all this drama can sometimes screw up your next one...

[ZenDreams]

He is the one that brought up the "break"...I started off not supporting the idea because I thought it would just drag us both through an emotional mine field and end up in the same place. I know that I have not fallen out of love with him, but I have just come to the realization that if I keep going in this relationship it will lead nowhere and end up hurting him more than he deserves. He is a wonderful person and I just couldnt live with myself if I hurt him twice as much later on when I could have prevented it. I dont want to be doing this to him now; it is just tearing me up inside, but I cant take it anymore...

 

Talk about a living mirror.

That's what is so great about these sites.

 

Ok, there is no reason that a relationship that has been going WITH love and happiness for 8 months cannot make it another 8. You need this break more than he does I can see.

 

Why do you think it will lead no where?

[Raven44]

I know I need that time to myself...one thing is though is I HATE being alone...I have been alone most of my life except for the past couple of years...I am afraid that once this is resolved I will just end up going with some other guy and doing it all over again....I dont want to hurt anyone, but this just keeps happening!

 

I dont think that this break will work because I know my own mind. Once I make a certian decision, its made; almost nothing can make it go back. I tried not listening to my mind in my previous relationship...and all that happened was I met my current bf and dumped my old one...(who is still in love with me)....I just dont know what is wrong with me...

[ZenDreams]

I know I need that time to myself...one thing is though is I HATE being alone...I have been alone most of my life except for the past couple of years...I am afraid that once this is resolved I will just end up going with some other guy and doing it all over again....I dont want to hurt anyone, but this just keeps happening!

 

You have to realize that I DO understand what this other fellow is trying to say. I realized that when you said you're afraid of it happening again. I did it 5 times. FIVE. Each of them hurt more than the last. But you know what? When you buckle down when you love someone you can make it work. You need time alone, yes. But it's a skill to be able to do that within the relationship. Remember that he always loves you and will never let you feel alone. I wasn't so lucky. So don't let him go because you're feeling like this. Call him or text him or whatever right now and tell him how much you love him. Maybe you need that reminder to yourself.

 

HajiMaji brought up a very good point too. Things die down, and those crazy on your mind feelings will die down. Your love doesnt have to though.

[ZenDreams]

I just thought of something.

Have you had a chance to talk to him about what's been going on in your past relationships? If not, that's it!

Bang! There's a key right there.

I'm taking a wild stab but it really sounds like there is some of that in there.

[Raven44]

I have given that reminder to myself and him...But the reminder to myself never makes me feel good. It almost feels like I am lying to myself. As I said before, once my mind is set; thats it. I dont know how to work through something like that. I feel like he wants more than I can give at this point and time of my life; and it is making me very stubborn/uncomfortable. I have never been so undecided about something in my life and I feel like a twit for letting it drag on. All it is doing is giving him hope and me anguish.

[Raven44]

We have talked somewhat of my previous relationship but until just reciently he haddent been comfortable with my past. This discomfort was the main thing that I could no longer deal with in our relationship..I am a very open person so when I found that I could not be completely open with him...It hurt the relationship...On my side at least...

[ZenDreams]

So what's the follow through? Didn't you say it would just happen again? With another guy? I know you can't work through it yourself. It can work between you two if he UNDERSTANDS that you can't jump too far ahead of your own feet. I know you're not lying to him.

You have to talk to him about it at this point.

If you're that worried about it happening again then I'd pur your heart out into this one if I were you.

 

I learnt the hard way.

 

Don't. give. up.

if you don't understand youself well enough you don't know what being 'uncomfortable' means. I don't think the two-weeks should be NC though.

 

Call him. You need to talk. PM me if you need help after that. I need to go to classes so. byebye

[RayKay]

It is normal to go from that period "always on your mind" to one where your life is more normal....fact is if we remained in lust forever, we would really never get anything done! But, that does not mean we are "out of love" not at all...with time and experience, you learn that love gets deeper, more valuable, stronger.

 

Love develops with shared experiences - both positive and negative - where we learn more about each other and how we work through things together. True love is not what is there those first couple electric months, it is what is lasts long after. This does not mean that you do not desire and still lust for your partner, but sometimes its more subtle, but don't think that subtle means unexciting, or lacking....just the opposite in fact. It is absolutely amazing to know you are so loved, and to love so deep in return, to have that trust, and comfort, and excitement about a future, and the present. It really is....it takes risks to get there though sometimes.

 

I do know how you feel about needing to be single, though be careful about getting yourself in a cycle where you always break things off before you get too attached in order to prevent yourself pain...if you always run out of fear of emotional heartbreak, and never risk your heart, you will also miss out on winning the love jackpot

 

But if you really feel as you do, it is also not fair to lead your boyfriend on...it will hurt both of you in the long run, after those two weeks, don't give hope if you know in your heart that you just can't be as committed to him as he is to you. I know it would hurt both of you to end things, but people heal, and you both deserve to find that right person who can provide what you need, and you both deserve to also allow yourself to grow (for you that may mean being single).

[Raven44]

Well...it has gotten to the point that I do not want to be in the relationship anymore...And I have said this multipul times in various ways...Never wanting to hurt him by saying "I dont want you" but he keeps going and going....Always saying that he doesnt want to give up...That after this we could have such a better relationship. I cant see it...And the more he pushes the more annoyed I get.

 

Is he having a hard time coming to the realization that our realtionship is over? Or am I being insensititive?...He want me to try and try ....even force myself to be happy while I am with him...But I cannot do that to myself...I cannot take it. It makes me feel like the weak link in the relationship...and very guilty....But I just cant say "No".

 

I dont want him to settle into a false hope...But he keeps persisting....what am I going to do?

[ZenDreams]

If you decide to try you can still be friends.

 

* * * If that's still important to you then try seeing him 'one last time'. He knows that you're not going to change but he just wants to see you try for his own closure. Otherwise he may always be wondering 'what if'. * * *

 

He's right, it could be better. But since you don't see it, it can't. You can't see something that isn't there in your mind. He can never change that. He's just really confused and is trying to get answers. It still is in his mind and that's why he's looking for closure. If he starts reading into things too much give him so more information, if your're willing, that'll help calm him down.

 

Hang in there ok. If you were good friends before aswell as lovers there's no reason that has to end either. Who knows, maybe you just need that time to realise he really was wasn't for you. The future hasn't been written yet.

 

You're doing great!

Be there for him. Then he will understand how it has to be.

You don't sound too hostile towards each other so

 

* * * Enjoy the time you spend wth him. * * *

 

Good Luck!!!!!