DESPERATE NEED FOR HELP!! FLAWS WITH NC???

[HurtJozie]

Hi,

 

Its been basically a month a half since my ex broke up with me. What happen was we dated for one and half months and it was great when we were with each other but he always refused to tell me where we stood and whether he was my boyfriend and if we were in a relationship. The confusion killed me so on our last date I gave him an ultimatium to tell me where we stood, he said that we were boyfriend, girlfriend then the next day he emailed me to tell me that he couldn't do a proper relationship right now becuase he can't get rid of the feeling that he doesn't want one.

 

I know that he really does want to be friends and I really want to try to do that because I've done the NC thing for about 1 month and during that time sometimes I would slip and the conversations on msn were just never the same, they were so boring and bland. That it frustrated me and made me block and delete him again. I went to his 21st however because I said I would be there months before we broke up and also say hi to him when I see him around uni and work.

 

 

But now I miss everything about him. At first I was okay with the break up because I got my life together but now I'm worse off cause I miss him and all I think about is him. I was wondering if anybody could please give me advice on either how to get him back? The question that I beg to be answered however is - is it replusive and pathetic to ask for him to take me back? I've done NC and it doesn't seem to be doing anything.

 

So now I'm trying to be a good supportive friend and try to act towards him the same as I would with all my friends by sending supportive text message if I know he has something important coming up in his life. I'm so confused and upset and I'm really really hoping that somebody out there could please give me some advice. This is the first guy I really really like and want to be with and I've never had to deal with this situation before so could somebody please give me some advice, it would be SO greatly appreciated.

 

Also another question if you do the NC thing and they think you hate them so they reciprocate and do the NC thing so how do you know which one it is. Cause I've ignored this guy before and he thought I hated him and I ignored him cause i thought he hated me but then we talked about it and figured out it was a mutual misunderstanding so what happens if he thinks I hate him so he doesn't want to talk to me but still likes me?

 

Thanks Jo

[venus777]

what has been his response to you? to your text messages? is he supportive of you? what sort of feeling do you get about his feelings about you?

[swiffer]

Jozie

 

Sucks huh? It hurts huh? Well, a lot of us have been through that. You see, one thing I want you to recognize is that as a girl you have been blessed with a man-manual. Girls know guys like the back of their hand, or at least, many do.

 

But many do not even to their old age. The man-manual turns on around puberty and its automatic from there. Many women forget about the man-manual though.

 

You'll know what I mean as you get older. the thing is, its guys who dont usually understand girls. You're just not there yet.

 

the biggest blunder you made was confronting him. Guys dont go for that. Pressure about relationships, marriage, kids. You might as well be asking him to leave you.

 

I know you think you did the right thing, but you didnt. You acted on your emotions and guys cant handle that.

 

So now what, right? Cool off for a bit. There is an age-old trick that works on girls that also works on guys.

 

And that is... lay-off. Be cool. Pretend you dont care. One of two things will happen: Either he will come around and find you exciting again, or - he'll walk away entirely. If he walks away, then dont worry - you are in luck. You have just saved yourself weeks and weeks of untold pain!

 

I wish you the best of luck with him. 1+1/2 months is very early and if it fails now then thank your stars that you only have to deal with 1+1/2 months worth of pain - and not 3 years or 4 or 5.

[HurtJozie]

I know I made the biggest mistake pressuring him to tell me where we were in the relationship and I wish I could just take it back. I just wanted him not to date other girls and I thought by us having a relationship then he wouldn't do that. But he was never doing that to begin with I was just so insecure that he would go off with another girl. I miss him so much honestly. He was the best thing that ever happened to me. Becuase I pressured him I need to take the step back and can't do anything or say anthying like pelase take me back right otherwise I look like the needy deseparate ex gf. WHich is what I always tried not to be.

 

Since his birthday he sent me a msg thanking me for the present I bought him and that he would think of me in his old age. More recently, i tried the friends thing and sent him a text message saying, I know this is a random msg but I hope you do well in the marathon i know you've been training for months for it so I hope you do well." He replied saying haha thanks, hey i heard you believed matt's rumour about kristen. Its not true, matt's a dick! Thanks for the well wishes! i said I do'nt know what rumours he was talking about in another text message and he didn't reply.

 

I don't know if he still has feelings for me. At his party he acted really cold but I ignored him there so I don't know if it was a mutally ignoring thing. I think he doesn't but its so hard to say becuase the other day I saw him at uni and we had a good converstaion and it felt like things were back to normal again and we saw each other at work and I caught him looking at me. The other day he let it slip that his mum knows who I am but he never introduced me to her and I never introduced myself to her.

 

This is so hard thank you for the replies so far if you could please keep them coming it would be so greatly appreciated like I said this is the first guy I've truly liked bc he really is amazing and I really want him back so any advice is appreciated thanks. Jo

[swiffer]

No matter what happens, I wish you the best of luck with him. Just remember not to take this all too seriously and you will calm down about him.

 

The one thing I like to say is: just think about the life ahead of you and all the guys in the world. This is just one. You are the only you - so make yourself happy first.

 

What I mean is, dont let his actions drive you. Take care of you first. Calm yourself down, do your favorite things - get your mind off him for a while. Becuase I will tell you something you dont want to hear:

 

Every inch you press on him is another step he will take out of your life, until he is gone forever.

 

Give him space and enjoy yourself. Don't spend your life in misery because "one guy" you finally think is cool is giving you a hard time. Sure, you can blame yourself for it - but that will only help you by not doing it again. For now though? Lay back.

[HurtJozie]

How do you give space without it seeming like you are ignoring them so that they don't get the wrong impression that you don't want to be their friend or leave the option of getting back together in the future?

[swiffer]

How do you give space without it seeming like you are ignoring them so that they don't get the wrong impression that you don't want to be their friend or leave the option of getting back together in the future?

 

Hi Jozie.

 

The option will always be there, no matter how you choose to ignore him! Guys are not driven like girls are. Their motivations are primarily about sex. I know you knew this, but its true. (If you are religious and want to wait until marriage, then dont flirt with guys who dont share this view. Simple huh?)

 

Sure, guys need love and affection! They are not robots. But lets be honest, if he is attracted to you he will come back.

 

So, now what to do.

 

Have fun, like I said. Make sure he sees you having fun. Make sure he sees you getting on with your life and he will have a fresh new look at you. He will see you as exciting! Why? Because he doesnt "own you" anymore. He will feel like the cat got loose and he'll say "hrmm.. that Jozie is something special"... If he likes you, he will come back on his own!

 

If not, look for mr right #2!

 

And look at the cat picture that I put up as my avatar. If that doesnt make you smile then you are too tense!

[HurtJozie]

my friends told me that i should like phone him to sort out the situation now of how we should act now that we are friends. I am very tempted to do this but it'll probably push him away right so I should just leave that?

 

I've spoken to him since the break up and everytime I talk to him I pretend that my life is great that its been filled with parties, that I'm incredibly happy but its all an act. Should I continue putting on that act? Pretend that life is fabulous without him?

[swiffer]

my friends told me that i should like phone him to sort out the situation now of how we should act now that we are friends. I am very tempted to do this but it'll probably push him away right so I should just leave that?

 

I've spoken to him since the break up and everytime I talk to him I pretend that my life is great that its been filled with parties, that I'm incredibly happy but its all an act. Should I continue putting on that act? Pretend that life is fabulous without him?

 

Over what span of time? Weeks? months? Days can feel like weeks when you are going nuts over a guy.

 

I'm a 28 year old guy. And your friend is? how old? A girl I bet. Listen, I am telling you how guys operate.

 

If you call him to "straighten" this out - what are you doing? You are putting PRESSURE on him. DONT DO THIS.

 

Its hard for you, I know - because you want it NOW. NOW. But you cant have it now.

 

Which is why i was trying to tell you to have fun and move on. I can almost guarantee one thing. In the midst of you doing all this, another guy will come into your life and you will say "Mr. who?"

[HurtJozie]

Actually the friends that tell me to sort it out with him are his two best guy friends. So is that a little strange? But yeah I wont do it anyway because I don't have the courage to do it.

 

What is your advice for like enjoying life, because I try to do thing that make me happy and it works for awhile then i feel that its pointless because something will remind me of him and then i miss him. God I sound like such a bloody loser!!! I hate this state I really do I just want to get over him but its just so damn hard and I hate playing these stupid games.

[swiffer]

Actually the friends that tell me to sort it out with him are his two best guy friends. So is that a little strange? But yeah I wont do it anyway because I don't have the courage to do it.

.

 

I need to know how long its been because he may be sending his "cronies" to scoop you up for him. Sounds like hes either shy or cannot confront you. I still say to wait it out - but I have no concept of the time. If its been many many moons - then he may be on the mend and what you were doing all along was working (the acting part). Congrats.

 

 

 

.

What is your advice for like enjoying life, because I try to do thing that make me happy and it works for awhile then i feel that its pointless because something will remind me of him and then i miss him. God I sound like such a bloody loser!!! I hate this state I really do I just want to get over him but its just so damn hard and I hate playing these stupid games.

 

 

I know. When I was younger I did the same thing. Girl or guy, it doesnt matter. You are lovesick.

 

Which makes it all the more hard to pull away. But you are trading a bit of pain now for something great in the end.

 

So, fill me in. Give me a timescale of these things and I'll tell you if he's trying to send you a message.

[HurtJozie]

it's been a month and a half. i added his friend onto msn because I bought the ex a birthday present and needed to know if he had it. I told his friend that I wasn't going to his party and he said that I must go that i needed to go. When I went to the party the thing is he said hi and stuff but once he tried to talk to him I walked away and talked to another friend later on that night we avoided each other but then he went to another girl hugged her a kissed her on the cheek that looked exactly like me.

 

next day he sends me a msg going hey i had a listen to that vinyl that you gave me and its awesome thank you very much for that and cheers for coming, i hope you had a rad time. I didnt reply. Then one of his friends started a rumour at work about him getting with another girl and I had sent him a msg going hope u do well in your marathon and in reply to that message he said, hey i heard you believed matt's rumour about sally. it's not true matt's a dick. thanks for the well wishes.

 

His friend always talks to me about him and I don't know if that's only cause well they're good friends or he's trying to suss things out. Can you please help clarify this for me there's just so many damn mixed msgs.

[swiffer]

This is excellent! all the things I said were true, but there were too many details missing in that month +1/2! Glad you told me.

 

Well the great news is that all that "waiting" i said to do, you already did and you did it right, because he is ready.

 

Go get your man. You have suffered long enough. And thanks for giving me more detail, because what this means to me is that what you did worked well and he is using his friends to find out about you!

 

Congrats on that. You did do the right thing. If you had pressed him to hard in that month+ hed be gone for sure.

 

So how would you like to get your man back? Mabe go ask him out on a date? If he says yes, maybe bring to him a little stuffed animal. It would be a good and cute way to get back into his heart. It will also make him prove himself to you. If he brags to his buddies about a stupid stuffed animal you gave him then you've been with the wrong guy. If he hangs onto it and puts it on his bed or whatever, then you have your man back.

[HurtJozie]

are you sure? I mean I don't even think he likes me anymore. What signs inidicated to you that he was into me?

[swiffer]

are you sure? I mean I don't even think he likes me anymore. What signs inidicated to you that he was into me?

 

Ah it was glaring to me. All I needed was the detail. I had a hunch and you proved it. Here: (I mentioned he may be using his cronies to scoop you up) and then you said:

 

I told his friend that I wasn't going to his party and he said that I must go that i needed to go.

 

This was HIS friend right? Why MUST you go huh? What is in it for him? Nothing. Its all about his buddy. Dont worry about what he did at that party. You were playing it cool, so what was he supposed to do? It was the right thing to do, but you were much further along with NC then i realized.

 

 

When I went to the party the thing is he said hi and stuff but once he tried to talk to him I walked away and talked to another friend later on that night we avoided each other but then he went to another girl hugged her a kissed her on the cheek that looked exactly like me.

 

next day he sends me a msg going hey i had a listen to that vinyl that you gave me and its awesome thank you very much for that and cheers for coming, i hope you had a rad time.

 

 

Which means he was thinking about you! Guys dont go out of their way to talk to you unless they were thinking about you in a positive way. Can he still be thinking that your just a buddy? I dont think so! (but you have to find out dont you? Now is the time).

 

I didnt reply. Then one of his friends started a rumour at work about him getting with another girl and I had sent him a msg going hope u do well in your marathon and in reply to that message he said, hey i heard you believed matt's rumour about sally. it's not true matt's a *beep*. thanks for the well wishes.

 

Why would he go out of his way to tell you the rumor wasnt true if he wasnt into you?

 

 

His friend always talks to me about him and I don't know if that's only cause well they're good friends or he's trying to suss things out.

 

suss

[HurtJozie]

the thing is though now when we talk on msn like i blocked him for awhile then i unblocked him. He said hi 90% of the time first but the conversations were weird and awkward. If he does want me back how do i go around bringing it up. Also how else would he act if he really did want me back. SHould he be the one to bring it up because he broke it off?

[swiffer]

the thing is though now when we talk on msn like i blocked him for awhile then i unblocked him. He said hi 90% of the time first but the conversations were weird and awkward. If he does want me back how do i go around bringing it up. Also how else would he act if he really did want me back. SHould he be the one to bring it up because he broke it off?

 

I know you are confused, but you have to end your own pain. You cant go on like this forever.

 

Dont call him. Get off the computer.

 

Confront him now. Now you can.

 

I am telling you that the only way to end your pain is to get an answer. You thought about this before and I told you it would be putting pressure on him. But that was because I thought things were fresh. Its been long enough.

 

Well guess what, you did your work by waiting and now you get to ask the question.

 

Go to him, in person and talk to him. Be nice. Smile. No matter what you feel give him a nice look and look in his eyes. You will know if there is a spark or not.

 

You did your time. Now go get your man. In person.

 

But be prepared for failure too, btw. The goal here is to end your pain. If you find out hes not into you - which i seriously doubt. Then you are better off knowing so you can move on with your life.

[HurtJozie]

if i do get rejected should i just avoid forever?

[swiffer]

if i do get rejected should i just avoid forever?

 

I have a strong hunch you will get your man back

 

If you get rejected?

 

Ignore him forever, yes. In the process of doing this, you will heal. this means getting rid of his buddies too.

[HurtJozie]

is there any way to soften the blow?

do u have an anonymous email account that i could email you his break up letter to to see if he would really get back with me?