Review after 9months

[eva1218]

I thought I'm not coming back to this forum anymore....

 

Hearing how sad, hurt, pain, heartbreaking....torture ppl are/have been...is kept reminding me how I was at the first half year after got dumped. Feel like kept watching myself over and over.

 

Things get much better after 9months, but I'm still not over him...still love him indeed. Miss him every single day.

Started NC three weeks ago. It helped. At least didn't cry anymore since stopped calling him. Already got used to without him since got dumped by him long time ago....and tried everything I could to get him back in the last 8months.

But obviously didn't work out. Heart should be dead long time ago..

 

Well, why I came back...and posted here again?

It is because of those who went through the same torture as me....they change, they post, and telling ppl that they got over it....or still trying to help others during this very bad moment in their life, it touched me.

Person such as Foz, Buba....

 

Buba, I couldn't believe you started to tell ppl hang-in there, and there's hope.

I am so happy that you can made this far only in couple weeks, I'm so proud of you.

 

Foz, I am really happy for you that you are happy now.

 

All of these touched me.

 

The worst moment has gone, but I know I still have a long way to go...

it doesn't matter how long it will take, life still go on.....

still have to get some fun, get a better life....pretend that nothing ever happened.

Heart might be broken forever, then I just live with it.

 

Wish you all the best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Eva

[CarterJonas]

Well I'm actually ahead of you, over a year for me!

 

It's tough sometimes but it does get better. After all you can't leave your ex. destroy your life, it is what you make of it.

 

goodluck

[eva1218]

CaterJonas,

 

I didn't see my ex for 9months, and I didn't destroy my life.....

 

My life is really not bad now....

 

My point is after all these time, I still can't get over him, but it doesn't mean I don't have a life. I got a great job which kept me busy all the time. Got friends.....my dog...etc.

Is not that bad as u thought, it is just sad that....my heart always feel like hole. The emptiness...

And I have refused two guys...even they were only asking a dinner, but I wasn't ready...and didn't want to.

 

I'm not scared of being alone, at all.

 

I only couldn't get over him, I meant really over him.

[eva1218]

I was crying on the bed.....

 

How long is this way to go?

 

Job is good, salary got raised up. Got a health body. Got good friends.

Life go on as usual...busy...

 

Why still miss him so badly? Why still want to call him so badly?

Why still hurt so much...........after all these time......

Am I stupid or what? Must be something wrong with my brain...

 

It sucks..

[UGH1607307217]

Hey there, Its going on 9 months for me as well, and just REALLY starting NC myself about 2-3 weeks ago. Things arent perfect but they arent horrible either. I still find myself thinking about him, missing him, crying over him. But time does help, and youve got to let yourself have that time, dont feel like there is anything wrong with you because "you havent gotten over him yet" there isnt any stated amount of time you have to get over a relationship.

 

Just keep focusing on all the good things in your life, work, the gym, friends, your dog (i just recently brought one of our three to live with me ). My heart still feels like it has a hole as well, actually my heart hurts...physically.

 

But hang in there...you will find that you have more good days than bad. Sundays are especially hard for me, not sure why

 

Have a great night!

[eva1218]

Ugh, thank u for being understand me...

 

It sounds like we are quite similar situation....

I was really started NC from 7thApril, soon will be a month.....

 

You are right, it's no longer horrible......

but the hole in my heart, and the missing.......huin..sure u know what i mean...

 

We are not like those who just got dumped, hurting really badly like the end of the day.....

But I felt very bad last night, all my mind and thoughts only him..

 

Today, I feel usual....again.

So strange.....this kind of feelings come and hit me every a while..

 

I wish there's a buttom, erase him.

I therfore and be the very happy me again.....

 

How are those who like me doing today?

[UGH1607307217]

Its another week since your last post and I am just seeing how you are doing?

 

Have a great day!

 

Paula aka UGH!

[eva1218]

Ugh,

 

Not good!!

 

I broke the NC...

 

Feel very bad...for the last few days...

Feel like dead ppl.......

Can't believe myself.......

 

How do u do?

 

Eva

[UGH1607307217]

oh sweetie, whatever you do, dont be hard on yourself because of breaking NC. Just once again move forward. Its ok and hey it will happen. You are still a strong person, and this may feel like a step backwards but dont let it break your spirit.

 

can I ask what happened? was it one time, and have you gotten back to NC again?

 

Im doing good thanks, actually did something I didnt think I would be able to do, went out on a date. It wasnt the best date Ive ever had, and I probably wont go out with him again, but just know...if Im gettting there...SO WILL YOU

 

Hang in there, PM me if you just want to rant.

 

Paula

[eva1218]

Thks, Ugh.

 

Hey...good for u!!! You went on a date!!! Very good step I think, doesn't matter if u would go or not. As long as you are happy...

I turned down two guys invitation for dinner last month..

I'm a very shy person actually...don't really like stranger, afterall I'm not ready..

 

Well, the reason I broke NC....because of I got very upset by my family(they were asking more money from me), and a friend(I lend money to her...but she didn't give me back my money..). I used to talk to him when I'm upset...u know, the need you feel like have to share with him..that drove me to call and broke NC.

We talked for 1.5hr, he showed cares.......and told me can never lend money to others...and I should have not give more money to my family...I should move out from home......blablabla...etc.

 

We were LDR, can't remember if I've mentioned it previously..

In March, after I done NC for three weeks, then I broke it, and called him...we talked like 1hr, and he said he planned to come to my city on May, and then I was very happy..I thought we will have a chance, or things like that. I keep calling him afterwards, and went back to square one....he said he doesn't want to be with me, and never will be, even said that I forced myself to believe he will come back to me. And he's no longer my bf, we are not couple, I don't need to tell him everything about me. I thereforeeee started NC again, almost a month....until last week.

After 1.5hr conversation, he said "it's getting late, oh..1:30am..I need to wake up at 7am for work"...I knew it was time to hang up, I asked him if he's coming this month? He said no..due to he's busy this month. I kept slient for a min...and asked will he come on June? He said will see, if he comes, he will let me know.

 

Two days later, I sent him an email, I said I'm still so sad about the whole thing.......family, friend, money, him, and I've moved out from home.

And I asked if I can get a ticket to see him for 2days(stay with him of course). He replied me happy that I moved out eventually, and asked me where am I staying, as for going there.....it's not a good idea.

That's it. I didn't reply.

 

It's been 9months, and the first half year was a lot more worse.......

I've been keep doing the same things...and set myself back........

 

I really feel I have nothing left to say, or to give.......

well, he doesn't want me to give anyway.......

I pulled out my heart for 9months...the only thing I have in returned is "nothing".

I wish I have a gun just to shoot myself, then I can be peacful forever...

 

I wrote this in my agenda,

I have never met anyone as stupid as me ever!!!!

 

Thks for listening.

 

Eva

[eva1218]

A bit more background between me and my ex.

 

5years LDR. He made a lot of effort on our relationship. But I took him for granted.

Last year, after I went to visit him and celebrated our 5th anniversary. A week after i back to my country, he dumped me. Then we met two months later(he came to my country due to his work...I tried everything I could...but didn't work out). And I tried everything.......but he only got further away from me......kept telling me he will never come back to me..but he did back and forth a bit...which always gave me hope....he even said he still love me on St.Valentines' Day this year....

Whatever.....

 

He treated me as a princess in those 5years.

I was regret to death.....I didn't try my best when I was with him.

 

But trust me, I done everything I could.......

but the more I do, the more pathetic I look......

He said too many things.......that hurt so much.......too much that I can't remember all.

 

Just someone can over and shoot me pls, I can't stop the pain in my head and heart. It's been a long torture..............but too long...I'm very impressed by myself that how much I don't want to give up.

 

God..

[UGH1607307217]

please dont say youre stupid, youre not. I felt the same way..."why did i talk to him?"

 

Ive felt like dying over him before too, please dont feel that way, its not really what you want, you only want to be happy, I know this. You may be feeling like youve wasted all of this time of your life with him and it seems he gave it all away, but dont think of it as a waste. Think of it as a learning experience, its better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all. Im beginning to accept that, and I know you will too

 

Go take a nice long bubble bath, take a walk and enjoy the beauty outside, try and get to a point again where you are comfortable (as you can be) with NC. remember to take calming deep breaths, and know that we are here if you need us. As far as your family and money...I know that that can put a stress on your life, an unneeded stress. Its good that youve gotten out of that situation, you will always be there for your family but right now you need to focus on you. Try to not be alone right now, if that helps you. I myself preferred to be alone (I am an only child anyway) but just focus on you, make sure you eat and get rest and heal yourself.

 

Hang in there.

 

Paula

[buba]

Dear Eva.

You have been replying to my posts earlier and you sounded so much better than now.

I am so sorry, you're still hurting...

I took your advice and did N/C for 3 weeks...

It was very hard, I had to brake my own bones not to pick up that damn phone...

But I did it, and now he is calling me, wandering if I am seing anyone...

He wants to see me on Thursday, asking to call him anytime, gave me his new cell#, that he changed two months ago just to hurt me...

Eva, we have to be strong.

Life is not over, you know how much I suffered, still do.

I know how you feel, you're not alone.

Please, get out of the house and try not to dwell in it.

Pretend that he is dead, plain crash, car wreck, whatever....

He is gone.

He doesn't exist! Try to believe in it. Make yourself believe.

You helped me to stay strong, remember?

Now I am trying to help you.

And you know what?

I am not going to call my husband, I will let him wander what I am up to...

I started going to the gym every daY, going to lunch with friends, started writing music again...

Never ever call him again.

We deserve so much better than settling for crumbs.

We can have the whole cake.

He is not worth your suffering...

Love, Buba.

[auburnslp]

yes this is incredibly hard-we are all here for that reason-good luck to all of you-and remember that after all, life goes on-or at least it will again as soon as we allow it to...Michael

[eva1218]

Dear Ugh,

 

Thks for listening.....when I nearly drive myself crazy...

That meant a lot to me.

 

Dear Buba,

 

Tears almost came out while reading your reply(but I'm at work, I couldn't cry)...nothing left to say, thank you indeed. I know we all know what are we going through.....

Glad that you are writing song again.

 

Well, after almost a week.....deeply depressed..

Feeling much better today...at least the bloody headache is gone...

 

I really want to fool myself that he is not exist, nothing ever happened.

If God is listening, why he doesn't take away the feeling I have for him after all these time, after all my effort?

Dead ppl don't return, what am I waiting for?

 

Time....time...time.....

but I don't want time passes too quick though, I'm so scared that one day....when I realized that I'm over him..by the time I'm 36(10years later). That would be another sad story, huh?

[arwen]

Hey eva,

 

Losing someone and being left with the feeling that you could have put in more effort- it's really difficult. It's not strange that you are having a hard time. Don't making it harder by beating yourself up about how you feel.

 

Sometimes you don't know what you did/didn't do only after it was too late. You learn from these things- although they are really hard to digest for yourself right now. Keep in mind that ldrs are extremely difficult, subconsciously it might have been that you just couldn't 'afford' the energy, and might have been scared to commit to something so difficult.

 

Not all of us are emotionally designed for a long distance relationship- it can put a strain on the feelings of love and closeness, which might have been why you couldn't bring yourself to fight harder for it.

 

Learn to forgive yourself for this first. You will get over this eventually; I think you are doing a great job. You have tried to get back together for a long time, right? So you did put up a fight for it.

 

Take care,

 

Ilse.

[UGH1607307217]

Hey NO PROBLEM Eva!

 

Glad to listen anytime, and Ilse is right, I fought for months too! and youve put up a good fight baby! Hang up the gloves...Its taking too much out of you. And believe me when you take all that energy away from him and focus it on yourself, you will start feeling soooo much better.

 

Have a great night!

 

Paula

[eva1218]

Thks Ilse, thks Ugh.

 

Well, after my last little effort (wanted to go to see him) has been rejected by him. I just couldn't help but wonder...why he can said that he planned to come....but not letting me go there.......

 

The thing is why am I still thinking about it?

He obviously doesn't want me, although there were some back & forth which always gave me hope, but i really can't stay like this forever.....

I either will turn crazy...or simply kill myself...

 

I tried my best.....

No regret.....

 

Should stop thinking....

should have not let myself...even think.

 

But, guys.

Believe me I'm really thousand times better than before(the first half year). It was unwatchable........I'm sick of her.....

begging and begging....over the phone.

Find it scary even thinking about it....

[eva1218]

I'm not sure if I left some good advises to others on this forum.

 

I find myself pretty a mess...all these time...

I still think I'm pathetic.....

maybe I shouldn't left my opinion to others...incase ruin other ppl...with my poor strange mind...

 

I find out everyone here are stronger than me....

I remember..couple months ago, during I was begging and begging my ex over the phone, I was keep calling him at that time....he said "you are so fucxing useless, you can't get it over with, I don't even respect you anymore. .."

 

Time, time, time..............

heal my wounds......take away the feeling I have.......remove him from my mind pls.

No matter how good he was, he is not the one I loved anymore, he's dead. And I'm looking for something that doesn't exist.

How sad..............slap my face.

[eva1218]

Are we going to love them rest of our life eventhough we know they are not coming back, after all the pain, the heartbreaks......

 

Many of us are doing NC very hardly....

try to fool ourselves that we are ok, we will be healed....

time will help us get over them, and heal our wounds.....

But, how long.........?

 

I'm feeling much better today....find some peace with myself finally...

But i couldn't help but wonder....anyone here still cannot get over their ex after couple/few years? or even longer?

 

I know that I will never love someone as much as him, it would only happen once in my life, and it happened.

I might find someone else one day, date again........or get married eventually....but this kind of love on me this kind of person...will never happen again. I know, there's nothing else I can do, and work on.......

the only thing I can do is let go.........

But I know I will miss him........rest of my life.

 

And it is just so sad......if we didn't breakup, it will be our 6th anniversary next month.

 

Anyone feel the same as me? Or only me?

I guess woman would more agree with me on this kind of feelings?

 

Just want to share my feelings.........

 

Eva

[gianni]

Eva, thanks for posting in my thread.

 

"Are we going to love them rest of our life eventhough we know they are not coming back, after all the pain, the heartbreaks...... "

 

I can't answer that, but we probably will. I don't think it ever really goes away, it gets further from us.

 

"But i couldn't help but wonder....anyone here still cannot get over their ex after couple/few years? or even longer?"

 

It has been about 6 years since I lost the first one that I loved. Sometimes I would really like to say I'm sorry to her, and sometimes I wish I could just talk to her about things. I had dreams for a while after it was over. One of them involved me sitting on my porch when a van rolls up, her friends pile out, and they hold me downwhile she reads her other boyfriends' report cards to me. Others involved her and I sitting down for a simple conversation that allows us to just talk about what went wrong.

 

"I know that I will never love someone as much as him, it would only happen once in my life, and it happened." Maybe this is true, but there is no way for you to actually know this. It will get better. I thought this after my previous love, and then i met most recent ex, and I thought it again for a while. I won't bullshyt you. Its gonna hurt for a long time. You just have to be with the pain until you own it.

 

"I guess woman would more agree with me on this kind of feelings?"

Maybe, but I'm not a woman, and i feel and have felt the same things you do. Men actually feel this pretty frequently, but we are too ashamed to ever admit we felt that way in the first place. In my case, I haveonly told people on this forum; nobody who actually knows me will ever find out. I have told no one else about those dreams I mentioned above. The pain is mine, and only mine. My experience has been that women are much better at convincing themselves how to feel about a person, and so they are better at letting go, because they've told themselves, and have been told by their friends, what a jerk he is, and all that. Guys, at least the guys I know well, don't do this, and many of them have felt exactly like you and I. And we all prefer it this way, because we aren't capable of lying about the kind of person we loved, even if it would help us. Why dishonor all that led you here?

 

Letting go is incredibly painful. When I've done it, and I'm still doing it, you aren't sure what you feel; you know that nothing the person you lost can do or say anything to make the pain you've gone through less. Part of what has helped me is imagining the best case scenario: If you had your way, and he came crawling back, and said everything you dreamed he would say, could you still take him back? You love him madly, but can things ever really be the same, coudl you trust yourself to be with him without wanting to punish him a little bit?

 

None ofit is your fault, in the end. I know this hurts, in a way, because if you arne't to blame, the control you had over the outcome is even less. You have done all you could. You apologized, you admitted to making mistakes. Keep moving. When you are going through hell, keep going.

[UGH1607307217]

Hi Eva,

 

How are you doing? Hope youre feeling better, be strong girl! we are all still here for you!

 

And the same goes for everyone else!

 

Have a great day!

 

Paula aka UGH!

[eva1218]

Thks, Gianni.

For sharing your feelings........it's always good to know abit more about the opposite sex.

 

I really hope that you are getting on well.

 

Dear Ugh,

 

I'm feeling much better........

perhaps my last move (contacting him) was the last hit....hopefully I can wake up from this unwanted relationship soon...

I still keeping my NC...and didn't reply him where am I staying right now.

Guess just no point to reply....

All I want in these 9months.....is get back together...want to see him again. And he has proved me that none of it is what he wants.

I also hope that, if he's not coming back to me, then don't come to my place...never contact me again....no point to meet, right? Seeing him again, but not getting back together would only make me feel worse..

 

I don't want to live under this forever........

I wish I can be free.........I'm trying really hard to set myself free from him. Actually, the whole free thing has nothing to do with him, he wouldn't even know. Is the matter of if I can do it for myself or not.......

I will try as hard as when I was trying my best to get him back in all these 9months.

 

I bought "Swingers" last night, going to watch it today..

since ppl on this forum have strongly recommended it....

 

Eva

[eva1218]

Michael,

 

I don't feel so bad actually.

 

But so sorry to everyone, I broke NC again today(only after a week from last time). You can call me whatever you want.........I'm weak.....and useless..

I think, I also too much spoiled myself.........still following my heart....

I do what my heart wants to do obviously...

And I shouldn't have my off or at least shouldn't stay at home all day(but really don't feel like to go out, nowhere to go anyway)....it's public holiday today...so two days off in row....and my mind FULL of him again!!!! I found out myself more normal and less weak during the working day.

 

Huin....

 

Dear Paula,

 

I'm not strong...sorry if I failed anyone here told me to stay strong.

 

P.S. looking for a gun just to shoot myself....humm..kidding

 

Eva

[Meowy]

You are not weak, breaking NC only makes you human. What might help is to try this. Limit yourself to the number of times you will talk to him in the future. Make it 3 or 5 or so. Contact him that many times but no more! Since you are limiting yourself to these few times you have to make sure that what you say to him is all that you really want to say and very poignant.

 

So keep a logbook/journal of everything you want to say to him. When that fills up to the point where you think you have enough to contact him read through what you wrote and see if everything still makes sense in saying to him. If there are things that don't then take them out and wait for it to fill up again. Keep going and eventually you might gain the complete freedom of never having to contact him again.

 

I don't know your full situation but do you have family or friends near by? Being off and alone is when the pain really strikes you because you have nothing to compete with your feelings and thoughts of your ex. Days off are killer I know, I have no friends that I hang out with but am lucky in having my mother and brother close to me. I find myself staying later and later at work just to have some sort of human contact. Of course it doesn't work all the time, I still think about my ex even when I am "busy" with other things.

 

I think what you need to do is find some sort of competition for the thoughts of your ex. Hard I know, I am quiet and not very out going person myself but sometimes you have to try and force yourself.

 

Take Care!