Wow...so many topics...where do I start?

[LostInLA]

I never, EVER thought I would be writing about this on a forum on the internet and I want everyone to know that I have no intention of cheating on my husband. That being said...there's this guy at work. Issue No. 1: I'm married. He's not. My husband and I have a great relationship -- we're best friends and I'm more comfortable around him than anyone in the world and we laugh together constantly. We've been together for 10 years total (married for the last 2 1/2 years). Only problem is...we don't have sex anymore (I know, I know, probably more common than I think). The scary thing...it doesn't seem to bother either one of us. We cuddle constantly and are very affectionate but the sex is missing. Could be we're not sexually attracted to each other any longer...who knows? I do know this causes no strife in our relationship. Other than that...

 

There's this guy at work. He's younger than me (about 10 years I think...but my husband is also 10 years younger than me). Let's call this guy at work "P." P is very shy, but opens up completely around me. We have a vast amount of stuff in common and laugh and talk to each other all the time. If I don't make an effort to talk to him at least twice a day, he will seek me out and start conversing with me. I would almost say I have more in common with him than my husband, and I never thought that possible. I know he doesn't have a girlfriend and I think he's socially awkward around women. That being said, I really like him as a person and love having him as a friend. Our friendship seems to get stronger every day and he's said little things like "we should do this or we should do that." I keep it on a friendship level and laugh and say "Sure!"

 

So what's the problem? Lately I've found myself intensely attracted to P. I have to make efforts to NOT think about him in "that way." When he comes up to help me, he leans in very close (especially when he's behind me)...but never inappropriately. He gives me silly little gifts and tells me "here's a gift for you" (I mean they're really silly. Think office supplies. lol)

 

What's my question, then? I know I'm not going to cheat on my husband...but I can't help wondering if this shy guy is flirting with me or if it's all in my imagination. I guess I want the confidence of an ego-boost.

 

Sorry to ramble...and thanks!

[MetallicAguy]

He definetely likes you. This whole leaning in pretty close is one indicator for me, the recommendations of doing stuff together is another, basically all he does pretty much indicates it clearly. All you have to say is "Look, I know you like me, I'm attracted to you as well, but I don't want to take our relationship to the next level, I'm faithful to my husband". That's basically all you have to say to make him get the point through his thick head lol. It's probably going to hurt his feelings though, that he's basically failed to get you to like him like "more than friends"-ish. I think right now you just have an infatuation for him.

[LostInLA]

You're probably right...and Metallica ROCKS.

[kskm]

Ok this is just what I think;

 

Right now you are getting attention from your husband but not like you use to- the sex part- very important. And it feels good to be "wanted"- in comes "P". I think that since you aren't getting the extra attention from your husband you are not looking for it, but maybe extra sensitive to what "P" is doing, nothing I know, but something apparently.

I think I would write it off as a faze and just go with the flow. Enjoy his company as a friend.

Good Luck

[LostInLA]

especially since I'm extremely attracted to P sometimes, like, let's say, Friday night after work, and then by Sunday it's completely faded. LOL! Fickle, right? No, seriously, your reply makes a LOT of sense and I truly appreciate your taking the time.

[kskm]

I wasn't sure if I was clear- because it's hard to follow sometimes, especially with this kind of unclear situation! Lol. Us girl and our ways of communication- or lack their of- I really hope though that turns out alright.

[LostInLA]

It'll be fine. I'm not really agonizing over it -- I guess I want to know I'm still attractive to someone I find attractive. Now, if I had been cool with the whole flirting thing my whole life and if I knew when a guy was flirting with me, I would probably not even be having this conversation.

[LostInLA]

I just read your reply on another subject (about a guy whose wife cheated on him): Nope, I hate to say it, but once she's cheated there is no trust. You will always be questioning things, always. It will drive you crazy plus there are so many girls out there that will not cheat on you, becasue they will value your relationship more than that.

I wrote my response to his subject even before I read your post. Looks like we think exactly alike!

[guy40az]

All I can say is you are flirting with disaster, (no pun intended) at this point. If someone would have ask you if you would be intensely attracted to another guy before you met this guy you call P. I am sure you would have said no way.

 

Although you say you have no intentions of cheating on your husband if you keep going down the road you are it will happen believe me, I know, if you really want to stay with your husband and you really value your relationship with your husband you will do something fast to stop the relationship form going any further.

 

Relationships don't stay at one level they ether go more intimate or fade away and your relationship with P is not fading now, but I would bet it is fading with your husband. Don't let your mind fool you when you say I have no intentions of cheating on your husband. All married people (well most of them) never have any intentions of cheating on there spouse and yet the rate of cheating spouses is well over 60%.

[twizod]

I think you are being overly pessimistic, guy40az. When you say relationships don't stay at one level they either go more intimate or fade away that says to me you think someone cannot have a platonic male/female relationship. I completely disagree with this shortcoming. I have great female friends, about 5, where I would NEVER make a move on them single or in a relationship. I value my friendships and would never do anything to jeopardize it. I think if there is an attraction someone will get hurt eventually but otherwise there is nothing wrong with being friends b/c they "do stay at one level".

[LostInLA]

I have a pretty strong character and will, though, guy, and if I make up my mind not to do something, I will not do it...no matter what the temptation. That's just the way I've always been (and that's what gave me the strength to never fall to peer pressure while I was growing up).

 

And, Twi, I would love to be just platonic friends with this guy. The thing is...I never consciously flirt. I go out of my way to make sure I am reacting like one of the guys...but I'm naturally pretty outgoing and friendly and like to make a connection with people beyond superficialities. I know I'm a good listener and I try to actually hear what people are saying and comment on their life. I'm beginning to think these traits are not necessarily conducive to making the opposite sex think you want to be "just friends." lol It seems that every straight male I've tried to be "just friends" with will eventually interpret it as "something else." But I don't think I'm unique in this aspect...I think it's the bane of women everywhere. That's why it's safest to have gay males as good friends.

 

Anywho...thanks for the advice, guys. I am definitely going to retire a bit away from the friendliness thing with P and see if that cools tihngs down. Because I would never, ever want to muck up my marriage...it's the best relationship I've ever had.

[guy40az]

I understand that males and females can just be friends. I really hope you can keep it at that level I just know of someone that felt the same way, she was in 3 marriages and she had never cheated on any of her husbands well not till number 3 anyway but she was cheated on by 2 of the three. She was a very good person and she said she could never cheat on anyone because of the pain it caused her when she was cheated on. But the very same thing happened to her she started getting friendly with a guy at work and although it did take some time he caught her at a weak moment and it did happen. I am just saying things can happen and if you put your self in a bad position and you might not realize it till it is to late.

 

I was not saying that you male and females can't be friends I didn't say that at all but if you are starting to have feelings for him I think that is a red flag.

 

I was just saying what I have seen happen and I didn't want you to make the same mistake that's all.

[Cecelius]

I think you are being overly pessimistic, guy40az. When you say relationships don't stay at one level they either go more intimate or fade away that says to me you think someone cannot have a platonic male/female relationship. I completely disagree with this shortcoming. I have great female friends, about 5, where I would NEVER make a move on them single or in a relationship. I value my friendships and would never do anything to jeopardize it. I think if there is an attraction someone will get hurt eventually but otherwise there is nothing wrong with being friends b/c they "do stay at one level".

 

I think you illustrated the above point. Male-female platonic relationships will not be platonic if there is attraction.

 

The OP has already established as a given that she is attracted to him.

 

Avoid this guy till it goes away ('cause it will), and use the energy to put the moves on your husband.

[LostInLA]

Everyone has an extremely valid reply and I truly appreciate all the sincere and caring responses. Guess what? It's already waning. Sometimes all it takes is the weekend. I think I'm extremely bored at work. lol I'm actually meeting with headhunters to change jobs, and I'll bet you dollars to a donut that it will be out of sight, out of mind. Also...sometimes I stop to think...what if I'm manufacturing all this "attraction" stuff in my head? God, I would be MORTIFIED if he found out I was (or had been) attracted to him! lol! So best put this puppy to rest.

 

Thanks again...and I'll check in to see how I can help others here.

 

Take good care!