Friends with ex's?

[Nap-Man]

Just a question.......Does anyone here think that being friends with an ex might hurt your chances of getting back together? This is assuming that the friendship is normal and the dumpee handles themselves well, without all of the begging and emotional outbursts. Is it really possible for the dumper to put someone in the just friends category after a long term relationship, i.e. >1 year? This is all irrelevant to me now since I wound up not being able to handle the friendship after a year and went into NC to heal myself. Just wondering now that all of that is over........maybe I screwed up my chances by being too close of friends for a whole year? Does it really matter what you do or do they come back because they want to? So as long as you don't do anything that will really drive them away, if they still care they will come back no matter what "method" you use? I know NC is only used to heal, which is what I am doing, but I just wanted opinions.

[nameless02]

If anything being friends will help the chances you "You guys" getting back together in some cases. Once you know everything about that person you become attached and jealousy takes a toll too.

[h_b_k_02]

I disagree.

 

Once there is a comfort level with you guys, friends will rarely develop into anything more. The "friend's trap", as I like to call it.

[punkinster]

There is definitely a rule about becoming friends after dating. DON'T DO IT! You can part on good terms and if you happen to see that person out somewhere be civil and have a conversation. I agree with hbko2......if you had a reason to break up in the first place then you obviously need space. Being "close" friends only complicates the matter and when you separate and actually have somewhat of a closure that's when you know if you really are just hanging on to something that is "comfortable" or if you really love this person. I think it's good that you are taking a break and clearing you head.

[Nap-Man]

Oh I agree that getting some space from this woman was the best thing I have ever done. It really helps to get the self esteem back. I was just thinking retrospectively, wondering if I would have had a chance at reconciliation if I had not been such close friends with her after the break-up. I am thinking it does not matter what I did, the end result would have been the same. I would like to derive some sort of lesson from all of this though. After one month of pleading, begging, etc. I was calm and cool around her so it wasn't like I pushed her away. I also addressed all of my issues that I knew contributed to the break up. I am leaving this thinking that I did the right thing by staying her friend for this last year, working on my issues and being there for her in some tough times. I am not jaded by the expereience and god forbid it happens again I would probably do the same thing (depending on the break-up situation). I just wondered if anyone thinks that I might have hurt my chances by being so close to her or if the result was inevitable no matter what. I don't want to make the same mistake in the future!

[Royltnxile]

I think remaining friends, especially close friends with the person that dumped you really does lessen, if not completely remove, your chances of a possible romantic reconcilliation somewhere down the road.

 

I'm in this position right now. Dumped 2 months ago, she wanted to remain friends and acted as if the only thing changed in our relationship was that we were not going to date and sleep together.

 

I didnt fall into this trap. I want her to see me on a romantic/dating level/love interest on an indefinate basis. Staying close to her would have been too painful for me anyway. I feel by remaining distant and removed from her I am preserving the chance for a reunion in the future.

 

The "friend trap" is not a fun place to be. Don't become what I like to call her "d*ck under glass". Know what I mean?

[Nap-Man]

Oh yeah, I know what you mean. Break glass in case of emergency, been there done that. That is why I refused to sleep with her unless we were back together. It seems strange how women have an "off" switch for feelings. Granted since she dumped me the feelings were probably gone way before she actually quit. I personally found that I could not just go from talking everyday, having sex and planning a future with someone to just talking everyday and not having any feelings. I just don't see how that is possible. Maybe that is the dumpee in me talking but it still amazes me.

[Royltnxile]

Nap-Man, sounds like our ex's are very similar:

 

It seems strange how women have an "off" switch for feelings. Granted since she dumped me the feelings were probably gone way before she actually quit. I personally found that I could not just go from talking everyday, having sex and planning a future with someone to just talking everyday and not having any feelings. I just don't see how that is possible. Maybe that is the dumpee in me talking but it still amazes me.

 

It amazes me very much also. I don't get the "off" switch mentality either. Us guys are characterized as the ones who are supposed to only be about sex, can't express feelings...etc...etc....but I think in alot our cases the opposite is true. I think women are better at things like denial and can bury there feelings more easily than men can. My ex expected that we would just continue to talk all the time, meet for drinks casually...etc...etc....the only thing different was that we weren't dating or having sex anymore. Thats the way she acted! In my case, I'm pretty sure her feelings for me never really changed that much and were still very prevalent in her heart/mind at the time of my dumping. This is the reason she pushed me away...because she DID have strong feelings for me. (If you are curious read some of my other posts)....she's a ball of issues and maybe half nuts!

[Nap-Man]

I think I will check out some of your posts. I always appreciate someone who is in a similar situation. I think you may be right about guys. I know that for me it is a lot harder to fall in love but when I do it is usually permanent and whole heartedly. This makes it that much harder to deal with break-ups. I know many women who are the same way but I think guys are very underrated when it comes to love and break-ups.

[h_b_k_02]

I was just thinking about this. You know how everyone says to not look or feel needy to your ex. Wouldn't remaining friends with her make you look weak and needy? I mean, I just realized, being able to walk away shows that you are a proud person and don't "NEED" this person in your life. Once a girl (especially) realizes that you are moving on, you don't need them, you aren't weak to the point where you succumb to being just her friend, then it will slap her in the face.

 

My gosh, it all seems so simply to me now. It makes us look so much stronger than them. They want to keep us in their life. Um, no, I'm sorry but a) it is too difficult for me to realize that one day I will have to see you with someone else, and b) I am strong enough to walk away from you if you don't want me.

 

If this isn't a serious shot at their ego, I don't know what is. It will also tell them in no uncertain terms that the window of opportunity they have to be with you is closing, that clock is ticking.

 

Last week, I saw my ex all week just for whatever. At the end of the week (Monday actually), I said to her "I'm glad you saw me all last week, because now you know what you're missing". Her reply was "Is that a threat?" Hehehe, she's got another thing coming. Can't wait to see the look on her face when she sees me walking around with someone else. I mean already I have had a waitress hit on me directly in front of her and she got all upset. So much for her saying she doesn't love me or have romantic feelings. If she didn't, I doubt she would start telling me "I could do so much better".

[misslonelyheart]

I find it very hard to think of being friends with my ex.

 

he left me very suddenly 3 months ago and we have had no contact for the last 6 weeks.

 

he stated that he wanted to be friends as he considers me his best friend but that is not what I want from the relationship..I want us to be together as a couple.

 

I only think he says he wants to be friends because of guilt and because his family like me and live close by and they would be very disappointed in him just abandoning me. He also doesn't want to ruin his caring, sensitive image.

 

I actually feel insulted when he says about being friends, it makes me think how dare he decide that I am not good enough anymore, how dare he decide that I am not good enough to have a relationship with but I'll just about do as a friend......how bloody patronising!.

 

It makes me so angry and I am glad that it makes me angry cos it is helping me get over him a heck of a lot quicker and that can only be a good thing.

 

I wont be second best. oh no.

[moonunit]

that's kind of how I'm starting to feel with my own non-relationship although it's not completely difficult, but it's not what I want from the relationship.

 

we split about two months ago and have been in contact with each other until i decided today that i think i've had enough. so i find it refreshing to read someone who i think you've been in contact with him until the last 6 weeks but was for the 3 months before that.

 

mine was also seen as a "good guy" and he considers me his best friend (as he doesn't have any friends save 4) and the guilt factor...as I witnessed first hand on monday when we spoke but he could not look me in the eye completely.

 

i'm also pretty angry. takes away from the sadness and it does help a lot!! our stories are similar.

 

but like i said in another post...i don't know what tomorrow will bring so i'm trying to take it day by day. i think eventually you can be friends with your ex, but your pain, hurt and feelings of being in love (though you can still love them) have to have subsided a great deal. i myself...am not there yet.

[Nap-Man]

I actually feel insulted when he says about being friends, it makes me think how dare he decide that I am not good enough anymore, how dare he decide that I am not good enough to have a relationship with but I'll just about do as a friend......how bloody patronising!.

 

It makes me so angry and I am glad that it makes me angry cos it is helping me get over him a heck of a lot quicker and that can only be a good thing.

 

yes! you and i feel the same way. only it took me a year to get to the anger period. just for the record since i originally made this post i wrote my ex a letter. told her i loved her, believed we could have had an amazing life together, i am not ready to see her with another man so i need some time and space to let her go.

 

i know that most people don't like the letter idea but i feel so much better that i sent one and that is really all i care about right now.

 

anyways, i feel so much better and my esteem is back to normal once i gained control of my life again. i might have ruined any chance at reconciliation since i sent a letter and cut her off, but its her loss. i did all i could. it still hurts, don't get me wrong, but at least it hurts a bit less then seeing the woman you love with someone else or feeling used. i found that people who dump me make me feel bad about myself when i hang around them. it is not intentional by the dumper it just seems to happen. any complement she gave me rang hollow since she obviously didn't think enough of me to warrant another chance.

 

hmmm.....think i had to vent here........anyone else want to add to, make fun of or support my findings?

[moonunit]

i wrote a letter too... but was adviced against it by 'friends' i really wish i would have stuck to my guns and sent it as it probably would have eased a lot of things in my mind and made it easier to move on.

 

i still have hope though. it's one of those funny little human traits i guess.

 

so i thin you writting a letter was okay. and i think venting is great. it helps for sure!

 

i'm not sure if you've ruined any chance for reconciliation...hmmm. i'm holding hope out for myself as well. i think after a amount of time has passed. when you've healed a little and things aren't so heated and fresh, that maybe the wheels could turn once again. at least like i said...i'm holding out hope for myself though i did just change my phone number. i still have his.

[Nap-Man]

i may be way off here but from all the people i asked i came to the conclusion that sending a letter to a woman was different than sending one to a man. a few people told me that women appreciate the communication more and would look at the letter from a more positive perspective than a man would. so from my point of view we probably both did the right thing.

 

i did what i had to do to feel good about going into nc and you did what is best for your situation.

 

well, we will see what the future holds for all of us. i guess everything happens for a reason huh? i really hope that you find what makes you happy, whether it be your ex or a new man.........

 

isn't this site frustrating? it always seems like there are a lot of genuinely good hearted people who were left behind by someone who didn't appreciate them.

 

Nap

[moonunit]

yes it IS fusterating! grrrr

 

my ex...wasn't like most men. a little bit more "sensitive" i guess. so in sending him something like a letter he'd take it to heart. he loved communication in the written form. a romantic at heart.

 

yeah i wish you the same! good luck in your future (our future!!)

[misslonelyheart]

i wanted to send my ex a letter but got conflicting advice so I didn't send it.

 

My letter told my ex that I love him, want him to be happy, that we could have worked things out if only he had talked to me about how he was feeling (he left out of the blue with no warning), if he had told me what the problems were we could have worked on them, told him how hurt and upset I am at how he has gone about things, blah blah blah......

 

There was no animosity, no hurtful words, no anger just explaining how i feel about the situation...all the things that I never got to say when were still in contact as the conversation didn't go that way or because of high emotion, crying (both of us!), etc..

 

I still don't know whether to send the letter. On the one hand, I would like to know that he knows exactly how i feel about what has happened and, as a letter, it is something he can go back to and re-read which will maybe make him think more about us but on the other hand, does sending a letter seem pushy and needy or slighly aggressive? I don't know.

 

As angry as I am with him, I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him and it is a torment trying to work out the right way to behave, the right things to say, the right things to do.

 

I hate all that "if only i had done this" or "I wish i hadn't said/done that"

 

it is driving me mad!

[Nap-Man]

i think in your case it might be best not to write the letter. if he left suddenly and did not contact you it might backfire. i know how guys are and if he left because he was feeling smothered or scared the letter will just confirm that he was right to do it. i don't think that many guys will look at the positive communication that would come from a letter from the girl they left, xsp with the way you describe him leaving. write it if you need to but really dont expect any results!

 

As angry as I am with him, I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him and it is a torment trying to work out the right way to behave, the right things to say, the right things to do.

 

I hate all that "if only i had done this" or "I wish i hadn't said/done that"

 

this is eventually what drove me to writing a letter and cutting her off. i was doing the exact same things and it was holding me back from getting over her and approaching her rationally. i wrote the letter without caring if it got her back or not. i wrote it so that i could know that i did everything i could and it wasn't enough for her and she can't keep me around as a back up guy while she looks for someone better. if that is what you need to do so that you can go into no contact and not worry about slipping up and contacting him before you are ready then by all means do it. just dont expect it to get him back.

 

i guess in my mind i figure that after many months pass the letter will not be an issue anymore. if it is then it is just one more reason that helps me get over my ex anyway. who wants someone that is angry at you for loving them??