Here is my story (itÂ’s interesting and long)

[deadtulips]

I’ve been in a ldr for about 7 months. Around February my relationship became the epitome of walking and talking . My ex was incredibly cold and distant. I was always frustrated and confused by this. The distance more than likely exacerbated both of our aggravations. My ex felt as though our relationship was compiled of “high highs and low lows.” One minute we were really happy and the next moment I would become a bit of a recluse within my own relationship. I had problems with communication (so did he!!!) and I could be easily hurt by some of the things he might say. Eventually, by the end of the month, we both felt single. We never spoke. (I, more frequently then him though) We barely FaceTimed. And we never spoke about our dissatisfactions with our relationship. After becoming desensitized and regretful about my own relationship, I suddenly had an epiphany that I didn’t want to walk away from it all but to try and fix the bull that was happening that made things so clouded.

 

Unfortunately, around the time I realized I didn’t want my relationship to end, my partner felt as though he was no longer capable of being in it. After sending a long message to him, that conveyed my vulnerability and desire for him to stay he chose to ultimately part ways. He texted back saying I was a “cool girl.” I then spoke with him on the phone shortly after and he divulged that he was unhappy, that he wanted to be on his own, and that he didn’t love me anymore. The last part was definitely a ing gutter punch to the chest.

 

*I also think this is important to note*: this wasnÂ’t just some silly relationship. I donÂ’t want it to be belittled that way. We were very much in love with one another. We did some pretty intense with one another. I met his family. I took those steps. We definitely intended to make our relationship last for a long time. I was even prepping myself for a move to be closer to him next fall. (I got accepted into a couple of PhD programs near him so I was up for a future that involved him in it)

 

 

After the break up it was hard for me to dive into NC. Like you mightÂ’ve guessed, long distance relationships require communication everyday via phone. So not having that was definitely another hard hitting reality. Ironically, right after he ended things I had to visit a school that was close to where he lived. Before going back home and walking on my flight I called him, he never answered so I left a voicemail and a text. I told him that I couldnÂ’t bare leaving the city knowing that there was a chance to talk it out. But like people have said before on this forum, the desperate needy look does not look good. He barely heeded to my calls. And had no intention of seeing me again.

 

A day went by and I wrote a very long letter to him. That expressed ALL of my feelings. I have to admit, I outdid myself with that letter. That had to be the most honest and raw thing IÂ’ve ever written anyone. After I sent the letter I told him I was going away without my phone. Nevertheless, he never responded to those texts or told me anything about my letter.

 

After my hiatus, I felt good. I said everything I needed. I didn’t hold back, because I was tired of being in a state of non-communication. I didn’t wanna be that person anymore (until it was too late). As those three weeks went by, I found myself in the dating pool again (Tinder style, yuk). I wound up going on a date and before hand I had a panic attack. I texted my ex: “ I’m about to go on a date in twenty minutes. Can you just give me a reason not to go through with it?”

To which he replied in thirty mins and said: “hey, maybe cause you’re asking me for one.”

 

I found the response to be a bit snarky but still incredibly loaded. Yes, he had a point. And no, I wasnÂ’t trying to make him jealous! I just honestly didnÂ’t feel like I was supposed to be with other people and I wanted him to feel the same. I did go on a date. , I went on a lot. No hookups. I was pretty straightforward with the people I was meeting and I told them I was kinda damaged.

 

However, One night I went out to a bar and met a guy who I felt immediate attraction to! It was the first time I felt something genuine since the break up. It just felt natural. Coincidentally, he was recently dumped as well! While I may appear jovial about this, I completely recognize how ing unhealthy this all sounds!! After the bar, me and this dude kept hanging out. Now we hang out almost everyday, and we kiss occasionally cause well we are attracted to each other. We are both mature about it though because we recognize in a strange way we have feelings towards each other, we are using one another as a distraction and itÂ’s temporary cause IÂ’m leaving. Anyway, this offering from the universe is much appreciated because it has allowed me to go through with NC for over two weeks. Plus to admit, I've just been genuinely having SO MUCH FUN! IÂ’ve been having a hella good time, drinking dancing, and just chilling.

 

Weirdly enough though, this past weekend we both got wasted and texted each others exes. I know right, the classic “drunk text my ex move.” But to my ing surprise! That worked for the both of us! After everything I texted my ex. The incoherent bull that read “anything bro” is what sealed the deal? Instead of responding with a “what” or a question mark. My ex responds by saying “hey how are you.” Which to my belief might be the first of many breadcrumbs. I sent the text around 5 pm his time and it took me a minute to respond. 1. I was pissed. 2. I didn’t know how. Eventually I did, and he ignored it! That GOT ME SO ANGRY. However, by the next day we ended up having the “life update” conversation! (That was yesterday)

It went a little like this:

 

HowÂ’s school? School is great! I work out everyday now! Yadda yadda yadda!

 

Obviously I care a lot but it just upsets me because I know he could give two s about the conversation or how IÂ’m doing. HeÂ’s just doing the stupid ex . Where you wanna know if that person is miserable still without you.

 

Anyway, I texted him six hours later saying “may I confess something” he replied “yea sure what’s up?”. LMAO YOU GUYS I GOT NOTHING TO CONFESS. Idk why the I said that. Now it’s the next day I never responded and I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve been moving on to be honest but now all the fears and anxieties are rushing back. And I can’t help but feel the same sting the day he told me he didn’t love me. I OBVIOUSLY still love him. But my heart and mind is clouded. And maybe this is his way of trying to resurface himself in my life but the convo is just awkward. I appreciate the cordiality but I would’ve preferred this inquiry three weeks ago. Now it just appears insincere.

 

 

Some one please help me

[HeartGoesOn]

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