I lost myself but found someone new

[MrHat]

This is my story I wanted to share about the crazy path that my break up has led me on. The crazy things I have done because of a broken heart. It is long, but I am happy to share it with those who would like to read it. My healing process was long and painful, but today I can finally say that I am (almost) completely over her. I don't know if this would be a better fit under the personal growth section. I would like to hear your advice and opinion.

 

In the summer of 2015 my then fiance and I split because we had some fundamental disagreements. She believed that she should be home, looking after the household while I go to work and provide for her and our future family. She was from China and had more traditional views and a more conservative, practical oriented mindset that is very different from the way I was raised by my parents in France.

 

We met when I went to China on a short trip with two friends one year before. I fell in love with her pretty much immediately and it seemed like she did as well, but in the end I am not so sure how genuine her feelings for me really were. Well, I guess as our hearts made us blind we continued to video chat for two months. We decided for her to move to France together and start a family there. We were both in our mid 30s.

 

Obviously I had a lot of pressure on me to support her which led to a number of arguments and me even making accusations against her for not contributing. I did not mean to hurt her, but the financial situation made me say things I regretted after. I even cried a few times because I felt that she took it for granted. I had a very low salary and was ashamed of myself back then.

 

Also, the chemistry wasn't what it used to be. In the beginning it all felt so right, but over time we started to drift apart and I even caught her flirting with other men behind my back. She always denied that, but I saw the texts she was getting from guys she met online. As time went on, our sex life went downhill also and that also made me upset and led to fights along the way. I don't know if we were just poorly matched, but in the beginning it all felt right and good. I was in love, a feeling I hadn't felt in over 10 years.

 

Anyway, all these arguments caused us to decide we are not meant to be together. So we broke up. I was the one who brought it up that last time and she made it final. She moved out and went to her cousins back in Shanghai. The day she left I cried. A lot. I asked her if she thinks that we made the right decision, she said she needs more time. She seemed very cold and like it didn't matter very much to her. I was heartbroken like I hadn't been since I was 17.

 

Weeks went by and we did not talk until I eventually reached out to her. She ignored me. I tried again on her birthday but again was ignored. This whole situation somehow started to make me sad, angry and I started becoming really upset. Did I not mean anything to her?

 

So after about 4 months of not contacting each other, this really started to get to me. I ended up texting her again, a long text in which I was expressing my feelings towards her and asked if we could just talk one last time. She blocked me. I got mad and sent her an angry email and then decided to do NC for eternity. I wondered about what I did wrong? I know she was still single, but even if she wasn't, I think it was really upsetting to be treated this way by someone you once took into your home, introduced to everyone and worked towards a future with.

 

I found myself obsessing at this point. It was starting to drive me crazy. I wanted to be acknowledged by a person who did not want anything to do with me. Someone who may not have even been good for me at all. Over the weeks I became worse and worse. I started thinking: what did I do to her to deserve this? What was wrong with me? How could she not miss me at all?

 

The whole situation became so emotional and it began to take hold of my actions. I went online dating and went to bars and started sleeping around like I never had before. I almost lost my job because I couldn't focus. I started drinking, went to therapy, but nothing seemed to help. I was not coping well at all.

 

I thought that maybe if I made more money, she would have cared about me more. If I had given her a more luxurious life she would not have ignored me after.

 

So I started to look for better work. I also went back to university to finish a certificate I had started before. We are now in early 2016. About 9 months after the breakup and I found a new job earning a little bit more than double what I got before. I thought I was doing so well, but still no word from her...

 

Now I earned more money, but I had a lot of free time. I remembered, she was always excited about this western actor who was able to speak Chinese. She loved him. So, again I went back to university, this time to learn Chinese. Haha. Looking back at this today makes me smile. I also hired a tutor and started speaking as much Chinese as I could and reached an intermediate conversational level.

 

Then I thought: maybe it was my appearance that made her look at other men while she was with me. So I started going to the gym 5 days a week and by the end of 2016 I was already in much better shape. Actually, today I am in the best shape I ever was.

 

So this is where I think I went kind of crazy and I did what I did, but I know people who have done crazier things because of heartbreak: In the spring of 2017 I found a job offer to work at a hotel in Shanghai. I was able to do half my previous job remotely and had an agreement with my employer to continue part of my work while I was there.

 

So in May of last year I ended up moving to China. I was supposed to stay for 6 months only but yet I am still here. Did I go because of her? Yes and no. I did not expect to ever see her here, but she was definitely part of the reason that drove me in this direction as supposed to anywhere else. I also thought that because I found love here before, I can find it again. It was not the most rational of thoughts that made me want to move here.

 

I am now at almost 2 years NC with my ex and since I have moved my life has been very exciting in Shanghai. I met a wonderful woman and made many friends and met so many people, and pretty much within the first month of being there I had almost completely forgotten about the feelings associated with her. I knew she was in the same city, but it's a big city and I made the choice to never contact her again and today I don't feel any need to contact her anymore. I knew I could do better in life and I am glad that I did.

 

I have read many articles and also viewed many posts on this forum and others as well, and I know a big piece of advice is to start something new in life, stay active and move forward, but not to do it for the other person but for yourself. I did not follow this advice, because she was my motivation and goal in a way. I fought so hard and I can see how I may have lost who I was or wanted to be along the way.

 

I know this could have gone very wrong but I can truly say that it doesn't hurt anymore and there is at least no more painful feelings associated with the thought of this person. I have become a new person myself and I would have never ended up with this life if I hadn't been so heart broken by what happened. I don't regret that I gave up part of myself for this person because in the end I have had an adventure like I never imagined possible before and I found someone new in myself.

 

Before I had the relationship with my ex I was very alone. All of my friends lived in other cities. I had no true hobbies and my life seemed like a dead end road. I did not feel like I ever developed this kind of identity that I have found during this journey. Now, I am doing well physically and mentally and I speak Mandarin well. I look and feel better than before. Sure, life isn't perfect. There are still these ups and downs.

 

Will I regret this one day? Maybe, I don't know. One day it may backfire and I will miss my past life and who I was. But if you could see who I was only 4 years ago and compare it to who I am today, you would understand why I love the person I have become and don't miss the person I was before. I don't know if any of you know what the outcome may be. Do you think I will regret this in the future? What feelings and emotions are ahead of me for taking such big steps? Where will I go from here?

[DanZee]

Well, it sounds like you're not over this girl. It's difficult to control one's emotions. I certainly pined for my college girlfriend for quite a while, probably a decade or more.

 

I would also say that arguments in a relationship are about control. One partner wanting the other partner to do something. And a series of arguments are an attempt to control and manipulate one partner and change them into a different person, many times a person they don't want to be. That's what it sounds like your arguments were really about. So she left. Think about this when you get into another relationship

[Dominique]

Heart break is a horrible experience but if you let it, it can be a catalyst for amazing change and a learning experience like none other.

I think you are going to do just fine. She may have motivated you to change by leaving, but you seem to be very happy with the moves you have made. Why would you look back or plan for regret? You have a job that seems to suit your needs, a city you live in that you enjoy, you seem happier with your inner and outer self and you have developed yourself personally and professionally. Good for you!

Stay the course. The "why" is much less important than the "what"... Enjoy your life.

 

You deserve that.

 

 

Sending you light and love.