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Tired, over worked and A repeating pattern?


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So I've been working non stop for the last three weeks, which means I've seen stuff all of my friends, and fwb, low on socialising, low on intimacy etc, and the main place I've been working it's really apparent (especially now that the other tech has been fired leaving just me and the production manager), that there is super solid clique of the producer and her family and the production manager is living with them for this festival season so he's totally in it. And I, the last minute, left out of off the planning ringing, am not. The production manager is my only bridge into this team (at the end of opening night they're all planning to go out to the artists bar and asking each other are you coming and I'm sitting there as these are you comings fly over my head not one was ever directed to me until they're literally leaving and the production manager invites me). So being on the out of that I think is bringing my mood down a bit (a lot). But then also, I'm starting to feel the stirrings of wonderings about the dateability of the production manager (I really do seem to have a thing for other techs), after the season ends of course. But then would I have come to that thought all by myself? I didn't think about it until the producer kept trying to set him up with girls. (And that, if nothing else, reminded me that I am very much alone).


But wait, why is it I feel attracted to no one until someone who doesn't live in my city and won't even be in the country for the next few months comes along? Then bam, attracted. I've just read He's Scared She's Scared and been introduced to the concept of passive commitment phobia. Am I not just setting myself up to repeat the pattern of wanting someone unavailable?!!! So where does this leave me? Longing for a partner and no idea how to get to the point where I have one. And I am reminded that people on here remind each other romance should flow and be easy. And Up until the end of the last guy that was true for me too. But this drought spans over two years now. And I felt unlovable after two months. And over the following 20 months I got much more used to being alone, and I'm not existentially lonely anymore, and that's freaking awesome. But I do feel like love is something I don't get anymore and I really would like it again. I want to connect with someone. I want to stand on one and a half feet with someone (what my ex is doing now with his current partner, cos he certainly didn't want to do that with me, but he does want to do it with her, but maybe we never could have because I am more capable of standing on two feet. But maybe that's the difference between being partnered and being single, single person HAS to stand on two feet, partnered person has the option of being supported, this analogy works well for explaining while it feels like something so substantial is missing when you get left). I am tired and sad.

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Today I was listening to a Baggage Reclaim podcast about the pitfalls of sexting, you should wait until you really know the person you're doing it with. I know this. Of course it made me think about my ex and his girlfriend. They started out as sexting, and now the're together, each standing on one and a half feet. They started out as cuddle buddies but when he got kicked out of his house he moved in with her. All that proximity, all that oxytocin, of course they are dating. And the what if that overwhelms my mind is, what if he'd moved in with me? We could have had that closeness. Except we Couldn't, because he would have been living with me, and going to see his cuddle buddy. If we'd reconciled because of that false closeness surely I would have been just putting off the inevitable. I Didn't invite him to move in because I NEED that clean break.


But I feel sad now.

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