Reading too much into Ex's actions

[IndianaBones]

This is just dumb, been in complete NC for a month now. At the start of NC i told her that we couldn't be friends, that i still loved her, but that i had no "bad blood" between us, even though i didn't want us to be friends. I wished her the best and she wished me too, she was upset about the decision though. We had broken up about a month before.

 

I was blocked everywhere else but Whatsapp at the time, but after like few weeks of NC she first unblocked me on IG and then on FB and so on. Like why? I just told her that i don't want to be friends etc, why on earth unblock me. She never felt like a person who would just play with someones feelings or intentionally hurt someone. She didn't initiate contact at all and didn't add me anywhere either. AND NO, I HAVEN'T STALKED ONE BIT! Damn "comments-sections.." I let it be for week i think and then i blocked her everywhere, because i just don't feel like seeing her or hearing about her anymore. She could have added me if she wanted. Atleast not now.

 

Have been doing ok now, still not 100% healed obviously, but doing ok. I plan to stick to NC basically forever, if she contacts, then she does and i'll think what to do about it when it happens, if it happens. Don't really expect to hear from her ever again though. Looking for a new job right now and hoping to move to a new city.

[force]

You're doing good sticking to NC and not being friends. Keep it up. DO NOT REACH OUT. She unblocked you because she probably wants to see if you'll contact her then if you do you lose, she'll know she still has you then she'll go date someone else. She needs to contact you, actual contact.

[Seymore]

You can't block HER on IG and FB? How come? Why haven't you already?

 

If you don't want to be friends, you'd have blocked her. This wouldn't be an issue then.

[jackofmany]

I agree with force.

 

She likely unblocked you as a passive way of encouraging you to make contact, not necessarily contact that will lead to anything, but enough for her to feel better about things if you had done something like add her back, which would probably only have driven you nuts.

 

I have an ex like that, one who I had to block everywhere. She sent a few breadcrumb type messages, and when I say breadcrumb type, let me include they said things like "I miss you,"You are beautiful," and "I think about you everyday," but nothing of real substance. Real substance is more than that.

 

I didn't reply to her and neither should you, imho.

 

Let me put it this way, only days after I got the "I think about you every day" text, I learned that she was still going strong with the dude she dumped me for. Do you know I would have felt if I had written back something like "I miss you too, and i think of you every day as well?"

 

Like an absolute sucker. She would have gotten exactly what she needed from me for almost no investment, and I would have been stuck either having to live with basically giving her a free pass, or I would have had to go through the demeaning exercise of trying to take it back.

 

I don't know what your reasons are for wanting to be in NC forever, but if you feel that way then I promise you no form of contact that is not her outright confessing her love for you and indicating she is willing to do someting about it is worth your time.

 

When I got the text that said, "You are beautiful and I think about you everyday, etc . . ." I almost bit. It seemed so sweet. But looking at it what I saw was that it was nothing but statements. There was no action in it at all. What she wanted, I am all but certain, was some kind of absolution from me, because she wronged me and she knows it. So I would re-iterate, any form of contact which is not a clear indication of action, something that actually shows she was willing to RISK something to get back in touch with you, is a breadcrumb, however sweet.

 

Good on you for re-blocking her. Good luck to you with everything else.

 

All just my opinion, obviously. But it seems like you are on the high road. Stick to it.

[IndianaBones]

Hi, thanks for the responses! We were together for 4.5 years, almost one year engaged. She gave me a ton of reasons why she had to break up, it's not you, it's me bla bla and that there is no other guy. But i knew there was, the guy was my old classmate, that i introduced to her back in the day. They became best friends and well, you can guess the rest. Week after the breakup she told me that she had feelings for him, but i already knew it. The other guy is total opposite of me, being really straightforward and sometimes even hurting with his straight answers. Don't know how to really put it. I do think that if someday she comes back, i just cannot take her because of what she did. I always supported her and pushed her forward if something was going sideways in her life, even helped her move out from her parents to her new apartment. And what do i get from it? Bunch of nonsense reasons. "I love you, but i'm not in love with you" etc. Guess the affection and 24/7 attention from my friend was more than my love and care for her. This sucks, it really does.

[IndianaBones]

I guess that me moving will close the chapter between me and her, because she never wanted to move where i am going. Her family was devastated, her mom really loved me and i was close with her father too. They had broken up when my ex was young, so maybe that also means something. I still haven't removed her family from my social media, but i probably will soon. My ex is still young, as i am too, whole life ahead of us both, but it still sucks because we were so similiar and had the same interests too. I used to read about the "GIGS" but i don't really buy into that, even though there are many similarities. I thought i was doing the right thing when i let her be friends with him, even though i really didn't like it. I mentioned about it to her just a few times, but took her word that they are friends only. Guess i just found out how she really was in the end and "dodged a bullet" before anything else happened.

[Seymore]

Why won't you block her family? Are you secretly hoping the ex will pop up in one of their posts?

[IndianaBones]

Because they haven't done anything wrong, they have always been really loving towards me and taken care of me too. She has popped in her mothers posts, ofc doesn't feel nice but i don't want to be rude. Going to tell them why i am removing them, before i do, if i do.

[sputnik123]

Hey IndianaBones,

 

Firstly, I like the name!

 

I feel your pain buddy.

 

Just to add my two cents... I got on famously with my ex's family (even better than with the ex, if truth be told! lol)

 

You seem very "with it" and know what to do, but her family would completely understand if you delete, block and cut off all contact, immediately.

 

Blood is thicker than water and any ties will only hold you back.

 

All the best.

[Seymore]

Because they haven't done anything wrong, they have always been really loving towards me and taken care of me too. She has popped in her mothers posts, ofc doesn't feel nice but i don't want to be rude. Going to tell them why i am removing them, before i do, if i do.

 

Why do you care so much what her family thinks? How about YOU be loving towards you and take care of you?

 

You either want to heal or you don't. But you can't stay friends with your ex's family and complain about setbacks or how things don't feel nice. You didn't block her but complained when she unblocked you (although I get that you finally did block her but still). I'm seeing a pattern here. You say it's not stalking but it seems like passive stalking - it's almost like you're leaving the gates open hoping that something will come through.

 

I guarantee you're not going to heal nearly as fast if you keep her family around, though.

[IndianaBones]

I probably would have blocked her when i told her that we couldn't be friends, but i was blocked by her then and didn't really think about it. Surely i will remove them at some point, gotta prepare myself for it first.

 

Yeah i complained about her unblocking because it didn't make sense to me really, like why. I haven't chased her after the first week of bc, i let her be. I am sticking to NC. Only gate that i have open is my phone number, nothing else. I really don't know that if she will contact me ever again and if i am being honest, i don't even want to know. I would just like to forget everything and let go.

 

If she does and would want to make things right (never going to happen if you ask me) it would end in me rejecting her and breaking her heart and part of mine again. I do love her and i think that i always will in some ways, but i don't think i am ever going to get back together with her. Thanks for the support everyone! I will keep replying and giving updates if anything happens.

[Seymore]

I probably would have blocked her when i told her that we couldn't be friends, but i was blocked by her then and didn't really think about it. Surely i will remove them at some point, gotta prepare myself for it first.

 

Yeah i complained about her unblocking because it didn't make sense to me really, like why. I haven't chased her after the first week of bc, i let her be. I am sticking to NC. Only gate that i have open is my phone number, nothing else. I really don't know that if she will contact me ever again and if i am being honest, i don't even want to know. I would just like to forget everything and let go.

 

If she does and would want to make things right (never going to happen if you ask me) it would end in me rejecting her and breaking her heart and part of mine again. I do love her and i think that i always will in some ways, but i don't think i am ever going to get back together with her. Thanks for the support everyone! I will keep replying and giving updates if anything happens.

 

So why is your phone number still open to her? Why'd you leave that gate open? Do you not want to allow yourself the peace of mind that she can't contact you, or do you secretly hope she'll enter that gate?

 

Honest question. You say you won't get back with her and don't want her back, so what's between your feelings and cutting her (and her family IS "her") out completely?

 

I made the same excuses as you when I left my ex, but there comes a time where you have to take a deep breath and cut the rope. And people who are worth it will understand. Those who aren't won't. Win-win

 

You can't have one foot in the past and be fully in the now at the same time.

[IndianaBones]

So why is your phone number still open to her? Why'd you leave that gate open? Do you not want to allow yourself the peace of mind that she can't contact you, or do you secretly hope she'll enter that gate?

 

Honest question. You say you won't get back with her and don't want her back, so what's between your feelings and cutting her (and her family IS "her") out completely?

 

I made the same excuses as you when I left my ex, but there comes a time where you have to take a deep breath and cut the rope. And people who are worth it will understand. Those who aren't won't. Win-win

 

You can't have one foot in the past and be fully in the now at the same time.

 

My feelings are all over the place for her at the moment, that is probably messing with my healing and moving on. It has been quite a pill to swallow and still is. In some ways i hope she would contact and then in some i hope she wouldn't. I saw her yesterday, didn't feel like much though. She greeted me with a wave and a smile, i just nodded at her, it all happened so fast (was driving). Even though i am in NC, it feels that i am not healing or progressing at all and i think part of it is because i have not yet cut all the ties i have with her. Like her family, friends etc. My life started only to focus around the relationship, begun forgotting about me and my needs. She really jealous and controlling, she really wanted to own me but now she was able to throw me away like trash. Like that should already be a good reason to leave the relationship, but i never did. Should have left when i had the chance i guess.

[sputnik123]

Hello IB,

 

Again, I know exactly where you are coming from.

 

You are only a month into NC and it won't go overnight. Seeing her (even without talking) won't help, but I guess sometimes you can't avoid it. Really try to cut ALL ties with her, her family and her friends.. think short-term pain, for long-term gain!

 

"She really jealous and controlling, she really wanted to own me but now she was able to throw me away like trash"

 

^^^This should help you keep NC and to try moving forwards, without looking back^^^

 

We are all here to help on your updates buddy.

 

Stay strong.

[IndianaBones]

And now she texted me that she would like to talk with me.. unreal. But i know why, my friend told me that she had started feeling bad about the breakup, how she handled it and so on. Haven't responed yet and don't know if i even will.

[IndianaBones]

The thing is, i really don't think that means anything. Only that she is feeling guilty and bad about it and wants my "shoulder" to cry on. She didn't give it to me, so i won't give it to her. I think she should try to find someone else to speak her mind, not to me. I wanted to get back together with her, but i'm not sure anymore. There would be so much explaining to do with our families, friends and from her to me that it would be just impossible.. I'm sure about one thing though, she wouldn't have regretted or felt guilty if i had stayed in contact or as a friend. What i heard from my friend is enough, i know now that she feels bad about it. My friend told me that it was progressively getting worse and worse for her. I might just stick to NC for now, this is just too much for my head right now.

[sputnik123]

Hey IB,

 

Stick to NC my friend. :)

 

You owe her absolutely nothing but distance now.

 

Keep your thoughts on here, to help you process.

 

Stay strong.

[sonar40]

You shouldnt be seeing her nor her familys actions to be reading into in the first place. What they say or do is irrelevant and will never do anything positive for you as the only thing u will get from it is more annoyance or hurt.

 

Block them all. If they dint understand then thats their problem and u dont to educate them with reasons why - anyone with half a brain will understand why.

 

on saying all this i wish i could practice what i preach as i know how difficult it is so im being a bit of a hypocrite advising u to do something i struggle to do myself. Although we both know its still the right thing to do.

[IndianaBones]

I do think so too. Nothing good is going to come if i respond to her. I think it should be way more than that. Her family hasn't been talking to me, they only wished me happy birthday. And obviously after the breakup, but not for over a month now. This is just a complete mess really The curiosity is there to know what she has to say, but i know that i will probably be better without knowing. And i have told her that we cannot be friends and to contact me if it is important or it's an emergency, but not in any other way. Even if she is feeling bad about the breakup, it is not "important" or an "emergency" to me. She's being probably being selfish again. Will info if something happens. I really would have been better without the text lol. (should have blocked the damn number)

[sputnik123]

"And i have told her that we cannot be friends and to contact me if it is important or it's an emergency, but not in any other way"

 

- You don't even need to do that buddy. She is not important or an emergency to you now :)

[sonar40]

I do think so too. Nothing good is going to come if i respond to her. I think it should be way more than that. Her family hasn't been talking to me, they only wished me happy birthday. And obviously after the breakup, but not for over a month now. This is just a complete mess really The curiosity is there to know what she has to say, but i know that i will probably be better without knowing. And i have told her that we cannot be friends and to contact me if it is important or it's an emergency, but not in any other way. Even if she is feeling bad about the breakup, it is not "important" or an "emergency" to me. She's being probably being selfish again. Will info if something happens. I really would have been better without the text lol. (should have blocked the damn number)

 

Why contact u if its important or an emergency? This is not ur problem anymore. There is only 1 emergency and that is for you to block her and all her family right now. There is no reason in this world for her to contact u, if theres an emergency she can contact her family. I understandvthe curiousity and i understand how painfully hard it is to break all ties as theres a part of u that would like to see contact from her in a positive way but thats not real. Do it now, block them all.

[IndianaBones]

Why contact u if its important or an emergency? This is not ur problem anymore. There is only 1 emergency and that is for you to block her and all her family right now. There is no reason in this world for her to contact u, if theres an emergency she can contact her family. I understandvthe curiousity and i understand how painfully hard it is to break all ties as theres a part of u that would like to see contact from her in a positive way but thats not real. Do it now, block them all.

 

Yeah i know it was stupid when i said that, but i believe i got the message through that i am not into being friends with her and wouldn't like her contacting me. Her family isn't affecting me that much, most likely going to remove them soon though.

[sonar40]

Yeah i know it was stupid when i said that, but i believe i got the message through that i am not into being friends with her and wouldn't like her contacting me. Her family isn't affecting me that much, most likely going to remove them soon though.

 

You are not stupid, i done the same like keeping the door a little bit open but its counter productive as it will only hurt u more and delay your recovery. its not easy i know too well.

[IndianaBones]

You are not stupid, i done the same like keeping the door a little bit open but its counter productive as it will only hurt u more and delay your recovery. its not easy i know too well.

 

I do get it, but i'm still a bit stuck thinking what this all means, if you could see this all happen from a bird's-eye view or something. Do you agree with me that she is only trying to lessen her guilt of the breakup by doing this, like i am thinking? I really gotta stop thinking about this, i know that in weeks time i slap myself in the face again for thinking stupid things haha. But really, unblocking me like literally after i told her that we cannot be friends (she thought we were) and after just a bit over month of NC this. I already know what she has to say too and i am fine with it, knowing that she has regrets already takes some weight off my shoulders. I want to move on and have some clarity to this so i can stop thinking about this. I think the only type of response i could ever send to her would be something like this:

 

"Hi, i don't think we have anything to talk about anymore. You made your choice and i hope you are fine with your decision. Wish you all the best. If you ever change your mind and want to work on things, give me a call."

 

I think that should basically tell her that i'm not interested in any games, friendships, support or anything else. I really want to move on and show it to her too. I do think ignoring 100% isn't the way to go, i'm not that type of a person, so that just wouldn't seem legit. This message from her just messed with my mind, i know i will be better again in a few days. (ps. The line i wrote might sound familiar from somewhere.. heh)

[IndianaBones]

*And obviously that i am moving on!