First few days after gf divorce.

[canada123]

So its been the first couple of days after her divorce of 10 years.

 

So far, confusing.

 

Cold as the night before flying, went from really wanting me at the airport to being basically like yeah if youd like you can but you dont have to

 

So that night i went from happy to feeling a little down but i still went at 6 am took flowers and she arroved - looking exhausted but smiling to see me , we spent the day, we spoke and talked and it was positive, (kinda feel spoking may of pushed her slightly away?) we were affectionete towards each other, dinner date and our sex together was good like it normally is together.

 

Next day she was good then tonight on the phone i was interupted by a room mate twices as they didnt know i was on the phone she goes oh your busy we can talk later, i said no its fine and she replied the same then hung up.

 

Later i called her and said hey why did you hang up, i thought you may want to see each other or say i miss you/love you or anything instead just hung up on... then all of a sudden she explained she had planned to come to my house and spend it with me but she got annoyed..

 

i offered to give space she said no, later i said hey we are a little different are you sure you dont, replies well you keep asking so maybe i do then.

At the end she replied dont give me to much space i dont like being apart

 

Im assuming these are all normal sort of things due to her divorce but its really tough hearing the girl say the papers done im single now to be with you, make love and be how it was before then turns completely cold on me.

 

I also suggested we pushed our moving date later into the future and i feel it may of upset her but i did it out of how soon the divorce was, i did it for her...

 

Can any1 offer advice hot to approach /how they have dealt with divorce.

are these normal signs?

should i embrace the loving happy times but relax and not take it as anything serious when she feels super cold and says shes not?

I chose this but boy its confusing

 

thanks

[Dominique]

Yes. These are normal signs. She's grieving a loss.

 

My marriage of 14 years ended with a 3.5 year separation. I wanted the divorce. I couldn't wait to be free of my abusive ex. My divorce was just finalized two weeks ago and I have to tell you there is something about those papers.... Seeing all those years of your life just end. The papers threw me into a bit of a loop. I don't regret it. I don't want him back. I met someone else and fell in love almost two years after we separated ... I'm totally over my ex husband. I'm still in love with the person i fell in love with during my separation....... But those papers threw me for a loop. I cried and got depressed and was a bit of a mess for a few days. I'm still not "ok" even now. Closing that chapter is hard on your heart and mind.

 

I would suggest just listening and being there for her and being as consistent as you can be

when it comes to plans, the way you communicate, the time you spend...don't change up on her. Let her tell you if she needs space but don't assume and decide for her. Be affectionate and attentive and supportive. She may not even realize how hard this hit her.

 

I feel for you because she's on an emotional roller coaster right now and that may be difficult for you to handle. But if she's over her ex husband like I am over mine, don't worry about her feelings for you. She will hopefully come around soon. Also, she may need therapy to help process this. If she's open to that, suggest therapy or some type of formal support, but not now. Give her a few more weeks to see how she is doing and if she's still seeming different toward you, suggest she get some help processing this loss.

 

Sending you light and love

[canada123]

Yes. These are normal signs. She's grieving a loss.

 

My marriage of 14 years ended with a 3.5 year separation. I wanted the divorce. I couldn't wait to be free of my abusive ex. My divorce was just finalized two weeks ago and I have to tell you there is something about those papers.... Seeing all those years of your life just end. The papers threw me into a bit of a loop. I don't regret it. I don't want him back. I met someone else and fell in love almost two years after we separated ... I'm totally over my ex husband. I'm still in love with the person i fell in love with during my separation....... But those papers threw me for a loop. I cried and got depressed and was a bit of a mess for a few days. I'm still not "ok" even now. Closing that chapter is hard on your heart and mind.

 

I would suggest just listening and being there for her and being as consistent as you can be

when it comes to plans, the way you communicate, the time you spend...don't change up on her. Let her tell you if she needs space but don't assume and decide for her. Be affectionate and attentive and supportive. She may not even realize how hard this hit her.

 

I feel for you because she's on an emotional roller coaster right now and that may be difficult for you to handle. But if she's over her ex husband like I am over mine, don't worry about her feelings for you. She will hopefully come around soon. Also, she may need therapy to help process this. If she's open to that, suggest therapy or some type of formal support, but not now. Give her a few more weeks to see how she is doing and if she's still seeming different toward you, suggest she get some help processing this loss.

 

Sending you light and love

 

i keep saying to myself i understand shes going through something but i also need her to know its hard on me but maybe i really cant understand this at all. i gotta relax and breathe its hard on me but harder on her

 

thank you so much for the kind words at the end :)

[DancingFool]

Maybe stop asking her if she wants space, maybe you should push move in date further out, etc. - it's making you look like you are getting cold feet or losing interest yourself.

 

You are coming across as very very anxious and it's leading you to over think and kind of jerk around all over the place. Find a way to get a grip and relax and be your more normal self instead of anxiously reading into every little thing. If you keep doing that, you will push her away yourself and your fears will become a self fulfilling prophecy.

[Dominique]

There is a book called "Crazy Time". It's about the emotional aftermath of divorce. It's a bit much to read but I think if you read through it, you will get a perspective.

 

Think of it as a death of a parent or child.... If she lost a parent or kid, you would be empathetic and not worry about how her depression/anxiety/behavior affected you so much. You would think of it as normal because she is traumatized. That's not to say it doesn't affect you. It does. she just can't support you right now. She's in damage mode. Try to see it that way and seek your support from your friends as you both navigate this.

 

Don't take her actions personally. It's not personal. She just is going through it right now and will need some time to process and become "new" normal. Things are different now. That doesn't mean you can't survive this though. Also doesn't mean she doesn't love you. :-)

[canada123]

sorry it double posted

[canada123]

Maybe stop asking her if she wants space, maybe you should push move in date further out, etc. - it's making you look like you are getting cold feet or losing interest yourself.

 

You are coming across as very very anxious and it's leading you to over think and kind of jerk around all over the place. Find a way to get a grip and relax and be your more normal self instead of anxiously reading into every little thing. If you keep doing that, you will push her away yourself and your fears will become a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

yep was a wrong move that one...

i only offered the moving out later incase she wasnt ready so i didnt put her into a harder situation.

 

i think im trying to care to much and she doesnt need it i just need to be the same as i was before. love her

[DancingFool]

Yeah i realised that straight away... i am dealing with some anxiety for sure and never have in my whole life so its hard.. feeling out of control of what can happen while incesting

 

Well you are never in control of anything or anyone other than yourself. So breathe and get back to your normal life. Focus on work when working, go to the gym as you normally do if you do that, or whatever you normally do in your spare time, etc. Arrange dates with her like you normally would and try to have fun. Maybe do more activity dates to help both of you relax and get engaged with something active and fun and stimulating to do. If she wants to talk, just listen, but don't try to fix anything. If you've had enough, change the topic to something else.

[canada123]

There is a book called "Crazy Time". It's about the emotional aftermath of divorce. It's a bit much to read but I think if you read through it, you will get a perspective.

 

Think of it as a death of a parent or child.... If she lost a parent or kid, you would be empathetic and not worry about how her depression/anxiety/behavior affected you so much. You would think of it as normal because she is traumatized. That's not to say it doesn't affect you. It does. she just can't support you right now. She's in damage mode. Try to see it that way and seek your support from your friends as you both navigate this.

 

Don't take her actions personally. It's not personal. She just is going through it right now and will need some time to process and become "new" normal. Things are different now. That doesn't mean you can't survive this though. Also doesn't mean she doesn't love you. :-)

 

Yeah after we said our good nights which were kinda dull she msged me later saying she couldnt sleep without me... i told her id read her a story she said she was out for a walk due to no sleep and to wait 10 min while i walk home then she said ok i want my story now but can you open your door?

she had been walking to my house to sleep next to me and cheer me up...

 

i now realise shes hurting... more than she confessed. more than she knows..

[canada123]

Also guys quick question

 

my girfriend was originally lookong for a place then said id love go move somewhere with you, we talked and decided maybe mine for afew months for to test it then a place for us.

 

she didnr 100% really move in as its 2 other giy house mates but she said wanted to for me..

 

day after her divorce i said hey im not sure if moving in as soon as we said is the best idea (next month) as i dont want to rush to or make it hard on each other so soon.

 

i was trying to be considerate but know i feel it seems im avoiding thing and being scared anxious... she seemed a little down but agreed

 

i told her it was to be considerate of her feelings. should i re ask her to move in ?

[DancingFool]

I think you just need to be honest with her that you want to be there for her but don't know how to and that sometimes you feel like you are maybe trying so hard you end up saying the wrong thing. For example the move in situation. So just tell her that you want her to be with you and all you really meant is at her pace. So if she wants to move in soon or as planned, you are thrilled with that. Tell her that you realize she may have gotten the wrong impression about this and that wasn't your intention. Just talk to her and clear the air and reassure her of your interest.

 

Reassurance is something she may be in need of a lot of for now.

[Dominique]

I think you just need to be honest with her that you want to be there for her but don't know how to and that sometimes you feel like you are maybe trying so hard you end up saying the wrong thing. For example the move in situation. So just tell her that you want her to be with you and all you really meant is at her pace. So if she wants to move in soon or as planned, you are thrilled with that. Tell her that you realize she may have gotten the wrong impression about this and that wasn't your intention. Just talk to her and clear the air and reassure her of your interest.

 

Reassurance is something she may be in need of a lot of for now.

 

agreed with the above .