Can We Get Our Spark Back?

[ark87]

I've been with my girlfriend going on three years in March. I adore her with all my heart and really believe she is the woman for me. I'm her first boyfriend ever and she is my first serious relationship in over 10 years. We had a lot of communication issues early on most stemmed from me not being a good communicator and making small issues worse. Over time our arguments got increasingly bad and words became very hurtful, calling me things like "Ogre" just as an example. Her rages are stemmed from depression which was triggered by my stupidity.

 

We are at a point where we can communicate better but the hurtful words over time seem to have killed my sexual libido, I just can't seem to perform in the moment. It seems psychological because I don't seem to have ED or any other physical issues, it just being in a sexual mindset seems out of touch right now. My girlfriend is frustrated now because she wants us to get back into the groove asap, and is now starting to criticize me for not being able to perform now and I'm worried if I can't improve I will loose her for good.

 

I know I love her and want to forget the hurt from the past is there any advice you can give to getting our spark back and have me feeling back to normal?

[Krankor]

I would just be honest with your girlfriend and tell her that she is going to have to be patient with you. Don't try to force anything and just let it happen naturally--if it's going to. You could also see a doctor and get meds. I know you said you don't seem to have ED but they would probably still help.

 

Once you tell your girlfriend this I'd watch her reaction. Honestly, it doesn't sound as if she treats you the greatest, and the way she chooses to treat you isn't your fault for being a "bad communicator" or "stupid."

[katrina1980]

>> I adore her with all my heart, and believe she is the woman for me. I know I love her.

--

 

Okay, now that we've heard all (or some) of the negative things, things that have pulled you apart (sexually and otherwise), can you share with us some of the things you love about her?

 

I am not asking this to pry or be intrusive, but sometimes just talking about and focusing on those things/qualities you fell in love with, instead of focusing on the negative, will re-ignite the spark.

 

My ex (six years together) and I would do this from time to time when we felt a disconnect.

 

Talked about when we met, things about me that caused him to fall in love, and vice versa.

 

It really worked, it was our way of reconnecting and feeling that "elusive" spark again!

 

Start here. Forget the hurtful words, the fights, all of which you admit are contributing to your lack of sexual desire, what do you love about her?

[katrina1980]

>> I adore her with all my heart, and believe she is the woman for me. I know I love her.

--

 

Okay, now that we've heard all (or some) of the negative things, things that have pulled you apart (sexually and otherwise), can you share with us some of the things you love about her?

 

I am not asking this to pry or be intrusive, but sometimes just talking about and focusing on those things/qualities you fell in love with, instead of focusing on the negative, will re-ignite the spark.

 

My ex (six years together) and I would do this from time to time when we felt a disconnect.

 

Talked about when we met, things about me that caused him to fall in love, and vice versa.

 

It really worked, it was our way of reconnecting and feeling that "elusive" spark again!

 

Start here. Forget the hurtful words, the fights, all of which you admit are contributing to your lack of sexual desire, what do you love about her?

 

On the other hand, if you can't think of anything you love about her, perhaps it's time to consider just moving on and starting fresh with a new women, taking what you've learned in this RL with you (your lack of communication leading to the hurtful words, fights etc which you admit).

 

Best of luck!

 

ETA: Disagree with Krankor re meds. This isn't physical (ED), it's emotional (from what you've posted).

[ark87]

She is an absolutely beautiful woman who when she's not raging is the most kind and loving girlfriend I could ever ask for. I love all that's good about her but I was bad my words and now she questions my feelings for her. I'm so confused!

[katrina1980]

She is an absolutely beautiful woman who when she's not raging is the most kind and loving girlfriend I could ever ask for. I love all that's good about her but I was bad my words and now she questions my feelings for her. I'm so confused!

 

I would too considering the fact you're unable to have sex with her.

 

Perhaps if you take her out and start reminiscing about "old times" - when you were HOT for each other and falling in love, that may spark something again.

 

I don't know somehow you're gonna need to move past the ugly words and fights.

 

The negativity is just bouncing back and forth between you.

 

You can't have sex because of past ugly words and fights.

 

In turn she criticizes you because you can't have sex!

 

She also needs to learn better ways of communicating than "raging" and criticizing.

 

I know you said you love her, but frankly she sounds like a female version of "Jekyll and Hyde."

 

Have you considered couples counseling or a sex therapist?