Thinking to end friendship, unable to talk as he blows me off

[Waraqqa]

This friend and I we were very close when lived in the same town. He now lives on a different continent. He seems a lot cooler than he used to, and while he always claims he wants to be friends, our dynamic became kind of a one-way street - he never reaches out on his own. When I do, sometimes he replies and sometimes doesn't.

 

In the past when we lived in the same town, he got upset with me a few times b/c I was "aloof", even though I never ignored him for more than a couple of days. Maybe that's why I feel irate now, since I've to wait for his replies a lot more than a few days, and it feels unfair. Like things got molded and conditioned to "aloofness=bad thing", and now he's the aloof one.

 

Anyway, I wanted to either modify or end this friendship for some time now, but haven't been able to arrange a skype call since Nov.

 

When he visited this autumn, he was warm and caring like in the old times, but over distance again gets cold. He wasn't like that in the beginning, so it's not just distance, - he appears to be comfortable in the one-way thing.

 

I reached him on 16 Dec, and told him how his dryness and non-response irk me and that I was reconsidering our ability to be such friends over distance. We started talking, but he was sick and said "Let's pick it up at a later time".

 

Then he wrote a super warm email thanking me for a gift I had sent. I replied likewise very warmly - but then regretted, bc he'd think everything is fine, whereas I still wanted to have that talk. Besides, my "automatic" habitual warmth made me feel fake, b/c inside I'm still upset.

 

Few days ago I asked to talk again.

 

So, I've been hunting him down for a convo for about two months now. I'm ready to end this friendship, he's a nice guy but status quo just not healthy for me. Given our history, I'm not comfortable disappearing, I'd like to talk it over. I'm not sure if he realises what I want, maybe he thinks I'm just being needy. But waiting for two months for a talk, is that needy?

 

1) to what extent is it ok for close friends to blow each other off? Am I overreacting?

 

2) How long is it reasonable to try and reach someone like this?

 

In the past he was the one denouncing people who ghost, so I'd rather not do that. Now he probably wouldn't care as much, but I want him to know how I feel and to understand why.

[abitbroken]

When he visited this autumn, he was warm and caring like in the old times, but over distance again gets cold. He wasn't like that in the beginning, so it's not just distance, - he appears to be comfortable in the one-way thing.

 

1) to what extent is it ok for close friends to blow each other off? Am I overreacting?

 

2) How long is it reasonable to try and reach someone like this?

 

Honestly, this is what i would do

 

If he is warm and friendly and its like old times when you DO see eachother, i would focus on that. If he goes back, plan on the next time you can see eachother and don't depend on him for anything else. He is in a different country, a different timezone - he is probably not available to communicate when you are. I know i had a friend who was in a different country and by the time i was ready to give her a call or message, she was long in bed. It would have been inappropriate for me to call her and when she had time before work to call me, it was in the middle of the night for me.

 

I woiuld not "Drop this friend". I would find new friends who live near you to rely on for day to day friendship. I have a very dear relative that lives far away from me - we tend to communicate leading up to the time they come back to town to make plans and just after they leave. The rest of the time, we communicate very sparsely -- maybe one of us sends a joke that reminded us of them - or if something pertinent comes up about the family. When we DO see eachother, its like no time has passed. I suggest you do the same - communicate but with no timeline involved. Sometimes its quality of quantity. your lives have changed, and you are good friends, but timing how long it takes him to get back to you is nuts. You gave a gift and he responded warmly. Sounds like a good friend who is just far away and you need to rely on him less for your needs.

[abitbroken]

Few days ago I asked to talk again.

 

So, I've been hunting him down for a convo for about two months now. I'm ready to end this friendship, he's a nice guy but status quo just not healthy for me. Given our history, I'm not comfortable disappearing, I'd like to talk it over. I'm not sure if he realises what I want, maybe he thinks I'm just being needy. But waiting for two months for a talk, is that needy?

 

It is going to be a really strange confrontation if you "end the friendship" with him. I don't think anything is wrong with your friendship. Life has just taken you in totally different distances and directions. Do you have a limit on how many friends you can have and therefore you want to bump him out? I assume you are very young - because as you get older - you find that you have a lot of varying degrees and flavors of friends .

[MamaBear0312]

I’d say to find more friends closer to you and get closer to them so that the sting of his aloof attitude doesn’t bother you as much. I don’t like having words in my mouth so I’d also advise you write him a message, email, or something on messenger explaining what you mean, expect, and why it hurts and remind him how he used to confront you for the same thing. He might have a set of new friends and doesn’t actually mean to be this way towards you. I currently live overseas and I know it’s hard to talk to people on the phone due to the time differences so I write them emails or messages and they can respond when they have time. So try that. And try not to use words that will cause him to become defensive, such as blaming words. After you’ve said what you need to, don’t chase anymore. The ball will be on his court. If he doesn’t reply, let it be his answer saying it’s not important to him and let this go. He may reach out after not hearing from you and you can go based on how you feel when it happens; you may not feel like being his friend after all or you might get a happy surprise hearing from an old friend. Good luck.

[Waraqqa]

Thank you both. Very unexpectedly, I was able to catch him on phone tonight, and we discussed. He acknowledged that he has difficulties keeping in touch with many friends, and I acknowledged that I have deep-rooted issues with abandonment stemming from someone I was close to just before I met him and projected on him, and hence it is healthier for me to not be friends. He was quite kind and understanding.

 

Then for some reason I brought up some instances from past, and that was stupid, but I can't change that now. Maybe that's one of the reasons it was good to stop this - I'm not fully capable of being a proper friend to him.

[abitbroken]

Thank you both. Very unexpectedly, I was able to catch him on phone tonight, and we discussed. He acknowledged that he has difficulties keeping in touch with many friends, and I acknowledged that I have deep-rooted issues with abandonment stemming from someone I was close to just before I met him and projected on him, and hence it is healthier for me to not be friends. He was quite kind and understanding.

 

Then for some reason I brought up some instances from past, and that was stupid, but I can't change that now. Maybe that's one of the reasons it was good to stop this - I'm not fully capable of being a proper friend to him.

 

I wish you had acknowledged your abandonment issues as the "reason" for your feelings, recognized that he wasn't abandoning - just busy and "owned" it enough to stay friends. So basically, you are a needy friend and only want friends who constantly stroke you and you take your past situation out on others? That is very high maintenance and will only lead to friendships with lots of inappropriate people. Have you explored counseling?