How can I stop thinking of him with this other girl?

[Artist]

My boyfriend and I were together 41/2 years, I thought we were getting married soon, we'd talked about it. He came with my family on vacation every christmas, was part of the family. I made a home for us, I did all the cleaning, cooking, bought his favourites when grocery hopping and waited up for him every night because he's in the music industry and I guess that's his job to drink all night and stumble home for a home cooked mean at 3or4am. I came back from a ski weekend on a Sunday, he lay on the bed with me we looked each other in the eyes and he said"I love you, you're so beautiful" and later we argued about something, i don't even remember what but I remember feeling insulted. On Monday we got into afight and I didn't speak to him until Thursday because I was mad at him for saying "F you, you just don't understand me", ya I guess coming home drunk for the last 3 weeks is okay, I'm just being a b-word. Anyways he said it was over for good, he was so determined not to even look at me in the face I knew something was wrong. By Monday I found out he spent the night with a new girl on Sunday, had dinner with her that previous Thursday, Sat-movie and a date! Now two weeks later he's moved in with her practically! He 's "with" her spends his nights with her, he's booked her a headlining show (she's a singer, he's a booker-blah!), last night I guess he must have gone with her, then home with her, all the while I put my heat and soul into this relationship and I'm all alone. I can't stand it, my heart aches so much! He may not deserve me but how do you get over thinking of him with her all the time, and now I have to be at the house to pack yp all my things, while he's spending his days with someone new, he's "moved on" (in a day?! ouch!). How do I just go on without crying all day or trying to find this skank and telling her or him off?! I've been really nice even trying to stay amicable with him, but it kills me, and I just want to die all the time. I'm also between jobs waiting to hear stuff back so all my time is free. All i can think of is he doesn't love me, he's with another girl already, he's with her now. He spends his nights in another woman's arms.

[CarterJonas]

he just isn't worth your troubles. Don't let him treat you this way as you deserve much better!

 

Take your time to get over him, it will be difficult at times, but i guarentee you will eventually get over him and find someone who deserves you and vice versa.

[RayKay]

Well, I would not blame her for it, its not her fault, but he can get your blame I think! He is an immature jerk for not even actually breaking up with you before going off and jumping into something with someone else. You deserve WAY WAY WAY better than that!

 

If it is much consolation, the odds are great that things will not work out for him and her......you definitely do not move on within a day, and not even without every officially breaking up, and with having just right before been telling you he loves you....

 

 

But honestly, even if it does not work out with them and he comes crawling back I hope you can be strong enough to show him back to where he came from. I would not worry about being nice and amicable to him....its only hurting you to hear what is going on. Stop talking to him, taking his calls for a while, or seeing him. I think in your case that no contact is the best way to go for the moment...I think he gets some twisted pleasure out of knowing you are hurting to be honest right now. Time apart will allow you to heal and rebuild your life.

 

You WILL heal, and while I know it is very painful knowing all this, you will move on. Distance yourself from him, and start the process of healing. Take your time and the chances are in the end you will be way better off then he will be, and not only that but you will be way better of without him too. You deserve someone who respects and loves you enough not to do that sort of stunt and you'll meet him one day

[alonegirl]

I wish I had the answer to this question these are the thoughts that run through my mind all the time. My ex-boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me three weeks ago right after we got back from vacation where he told me how much he loved me and all that. I found out 4 days later not from him that he had met another girl at work and was talking to her while we were together. He is now with her, she is probably practically living at our house and that thought makes me sick to my stomach. How does someone get over a relationship so quickly and move on with someone else. I also think that my ex doesn't love me and I don't understand that. I know I probably haven't been much help I just wanted you to know you are not alone right and if you find any way to make these thoughts go away let me know.

[tiger_lilies]

When my ex cheated on me I felt the same way you do. What stopped me from letting him back in after his begging and crying to me about how much he loved me etc, was my pride. I knew that even though I loved this man with my entire heart, that I loved myself more.

 

I realized that even though my heart was breaking into a million pieces that he was the cause of all my pain. The pain just wasn't worth it for me. I knew that I deserved to be treated like a queen. And being cheated on means that he was not thinking about me at all, he was thinking about himself only. How selfish can someone be?

 

When you are in a loving relationship, you do everything you can to make the other person happy, which you obviously did, waiting up for him, making him dinner, keeping a home for him, etc. You were amazing girl! Knowing that you can do such selfless acts for someone that deserves your love will make you stronger.

 

I know and understand your pain. But you have to live for yourself now, not for him. He doesn't deserve you!

 

No contact is the only and fastest way to heal from all this. It will be hard, but if I can do it, so can you. Take Care.

[someguy69]

Count yourself lucky that you found out his true feelings before the relationship carried on any longer -- and unless he comes crawling back with an engagement ring and wedding plans, you should not let him back into your life. (And even if he does come back with a ring, you should be very wary).

 

I say good riddance.

[prettybird]

That is a horrible and very sad thing to have happen to you. You must realize that if he is capable of such cruelty and deceit, that he is not the man you thought you knew. You are grieving right now, for a huge loss. Not the loss of the man you loved, but the loss of the man he never was. I know that sounds complex, and the wonderful times cast doubt, but even if you could be with him again, it would never be good because of what he did. It's spoiled now. Give yourself time, you sound like a wonderful person. All that love you poured out on him, pour out on yourself now. Just like helping a sick friend get better, you are your sick friend... nurture and help yourself to heal... take it a day, hour, minute at a time.... good luck... the people here care

[mick8888]

I'm right there with you -- I just had my suspicions confirmed by my ex-girlfriend two weeks ago that she's very much in love with a new guy, they've been together several months now ... it was a very hard thing to hear (he's the first guy she's been with since dumping me -- we broke up for good last year after about 3 years together) and after spending several months trying to heal my wounds and feeling better, it brought me all the way back to square one and i've not slept for much of the past two weeks because all i can think about is them having sex, or just being close and intimate and in love like she and i used to be. it's incredibly hard, and it takes every ounce of energy i have to push it out of my mind. i've decided that the only way to get through this is to cut off contact with her completely, and probably forever. i don't want to know any more about it, and i just don't want her in my life right now because she is the source of a great amount of pain for me. she's not a horrible person, she's only trying to make herself happy (which i can't fault her for) but i have to look out for myself, too. i think the only real thing you can do right now is cut the guy off completely, just erase him from your life, and with a little passage of time you'll pretty much be forced to fill that void with something else (something *positive* tho, like work or fitness or friends, as opposed to alcohol or drugs or something) until it becomes second nature and you realize one day you're not hurting as much as you were. i'm no expert, and i'm going through it exactly as you are now, so hopefully that makes you feel better that there are tons of people feeling exactly like you are right now, and that it will get better if you just start being a little bit selfish and focusing on your own happiness and future, which will be bright.

 

good luck!

[Artist]

alonegirl and mick8888, thanks to everyone for their answers, it's heartwarming, helps distract a little. That's sort of my gameplan right now, distracting myself from thoughts of the two of them together, it's not working very well though. The last few days were awful, i try to go to the gym or hang out with friends, I even went to a clubish bar last night, but all I can think of is I wonder what they're doing together right now. This morning my heart's been racing, the thoughts just sneak in there, of them spending saturday morning together, him holding her instead of me. I never got a chance to distance myself much, we lived together, we still have the house, I can't move out till May 1st and I still have to go there to pack-I've been with my parents, he's been with her. I feel all nervous and on edge, like I want to cry all day, I hate that I'm a mess and he's what -in love? Maybe just lust, either tortures me. I can't even watch a movie and focus without still feeling like my heart's going to explode. Any tricks you guys are using to distract that work? I can't seem to find my groove for more than a few minutes at a time. My heart's always beating fast and I feel like a mess.

[loveseeker]

Unfortunately, there aren't any tricks. I think Prettybird's advice is spot-on: if there's any way that you can direct the love that you have for him onto yourself, then do so...

 

You probably don't want to cry because that means accepting that it's over and feeling the pain of the loss of your relationship, but you SHOULD cry and you SHOULD grieve: it's not HIM that you're crying over, but your shattered dreams and your hurt feelings.

 

Let yourself feel your pain: don't distract yourself from it. This is the only way, I'm afraid...