PLEASE HELP ME! HE IS DRIVING ME CRAZY - gays view need

[demaco]

first of all, I would like to apologise if this topic sounds corny, I know this is an never ending problem faced by alot of gay people and I just happen to be one of them.

I am 24 years old engineering senior, I consider myself good looking as I have been getting compliments. All this while i am hiding my identity in closet , I am very discreet and never had any relationship before. recently, I am seeing one guy in my class, we are taking the same class with the same lab, I am not just someone who falls in and out of love easily, but this dude is really driving me nuts. it all started during early january 2005, I met him in a lab, he was sitting right accross me and I always caught him staring at me and when i looked back he turned away. It happened so many times until one day we were told to switch seats, coincidentlly, he sat next to me, we started talking after that, we became friend and he even sits next to me during the lecture.

It seems to me that there was an instant hit off- i might be wrong - but I could sense that I am getting his attention all the time, Sometimes I can sense that he is looking at me while I was talking to other people. Well, the problem is I am not sure if he is gay or not, altho alot of his previous behavior may suggest he would be quite the cliche expected. Ever since that day, our friendship took a step closer from just pure acquaintanceship. His natural loquaciousness makes him a chatterbox, we talk about alot of things, including girls, sports, life etc. Sometimes it makes me wonder if I would like to move a step closer to him, he can be so nice to talk to. there was once when we were on the phone, he suddenly asked me how did i do on my test which i dont even remember.

everything seems to fine, until one day i realise i have fallen in love with him, I love to be with him all the time but I know it sounds gay to alot of straight guy- if he is straight. He often talks about how hot some sorority girls can be, he told me he has been single for the past 3 years since high school, this makes me wonder if he is really straight?

we spent more time together recently as he told me to keep him companied in library till midnight as we were having exam. i turned him down as i didnt wanna make it look so gay. I know i have turned down a great opportunity to be with him. I guess the reason I did what I did because I was afraid I would be getting false signal again, So I took a girl friend- jenn with me that night and we sat right behind him. jenn and me were making laughter during the study session and I noticed that he would turned his head back and looked at me and wondering what we were talking about.

See, I am really wondering If I am getting false/mixed signals or I am seeing things in a way I want to see? Please help me, i dont know how to deal with him anymore!!

[annie24]

hmmm... sounds promising. I think if you're getting this "interested vibe" from him, it may be true. He may have been making the "hot sorority girls" comment to see what your reaction would be.

 

I, being straight, can't give you too much more advice than that. My old roommate was lesbian, and there was this girl that she had a crush on and she felt the "vibe" from. My roommie finally asked this girl out, but the girl told her she wasn't into women. My roommie cried and cried She didn't understand how her 'radar' was so off! But then, 3 weeks later, that girl confessed that she did have feelings for my roommie after all!!! And they've been together ever since!!!

 

So, the point of my story is to trust your gut. Find some way to spend some alone time with him. You know - invite him to study at your place because the library's too noisy and crowded, or whatever.

 

good luck!!!!

[Cadence308]

This situation is going to continue to drive you nuts until you get your answer one way or the other. Based on my experiences, do what you can to find out so that you can either date him or move on. There's no sense in getting your panties in a wad, or I guess boxers since you are a guy.

 

The suggestion about studying in a more private place like your house is a great idea and maybe something more will happen like massages or a kiss.

 

You don't know how he feels about homosexuals at all, though, and that's key to finding out about his sexuality. I would do this before outing yourself. Find some way to steer the conversation to homosexuals and probe him on if he knows anyone who is gay or ever wanted to kiss a guy. I give this advice on a lot of the threads, but it all relates.

[demaco]

Today I met him in class again, he came in with a girl and sat next to her, I was sitting behind, They were chatting and laughing, but i noticed he would turn his head over and took a glimpse on me several times. We talked after the class, he told me to go to a party and emphasized that I shouldbe there, he also said that he wanted to get on with the girl whom he has been talking to in the class. i wish i could quit him but i keep on getting mixed/false signals from him. Please tell me what to do? I am onthe edge of going lunatic.

[annie24]

go to the party!!!! I think the girl may be a decoy. Or, maybe he is straight, but he likes you as a friend. But, you said he kept giving you glances. I don't 'glance' at guys i don't find interesting.

 

Go to the party - have a great time. Chat with this guy. And find some 'alone' time with him, not necessarily at the party, just sometime. good luck!!!!!!

[demaco]

Thanks for the reply! I was contemplating on whether should I give up, but I trust your instinct. Girls normally have sharper instinct than an average gay boy. LMAO

[annie24]

i dunno... gay boys are pretty sharp! I mean, if you keep feeling this vibe - i think it may be real - not your imagination or WTS (wishful thinking syndrome). Don't stick your tongue down his throat right away, but see how he acts with you when you two are alone. have you two been alone yet?

[annie24]

hey - just wondering. Do you look gay? Well, you know what I'm trying to say. Do you dress hot and stylish and can people tell that you're gay? What about this guy? Do you think he's bi? Or, perhaps has never experimented with a man before? Maybe he's interested, but a little shy and unsure of what to do.

[demaco]

Well, do I look gay? No I dont think so, I consider my dressing moderately stylish, but I go for brand name sometimes. About this dude, He is a big fans of certain brand names too. But that does mean he is gay? I think it is stereotypical to generalise stylish guy to be gay, I have seen alot of stylish dressing guys who are straight. He is only 20 years old, dont you think it is a little early to come out? I meant I am 23 and I would not even know what I wanted when I was 20. I think I will go to the party and see what will turn out. I will let you know! lol

[annie24]

Good! keep us updated. Naaahh.. different people come out at different times. Well... I was just wondering if you or he looked 'blatantly gay.' (See.. I lived in san francisco for a long time... ) Or, are you publicly out? Because if he knows for sure that you're gay, I think it's a good sign that he's emphasizing you should come to the party. Actually, that he emphasize you come at all - that's good!

 

Yes - I would love to hear how it goes! good luck!

[demaco]

I wish I am at the by area! free culture , nice food. But I am stuck here in the midwest Initially, I didnt think he is interested in me, but i met him in the male locker room once and we became friend after that, the vibe was more intense after that, see I hope I am not having wishful thinking syndrome. But I could sense his affection, like the constant eye contact, the chemistry when I was with him. So, do u think he is just being overly friendly?

[demaco]

NO i am not publicly out. But in one of my blog, on the "looking for" I put male and female. Shouldnt that be an indication too?

[annie24]

hehehe... I'm stuck in the midwest now too!

 

i think that the vibe you're feeling is telling. Plus eye contact. yup - tell us how the party goes!

[emolyn]

Hey man, that guy is acting like I acted before I came out. Does he make an effort to hang out with you, know your schedule and interests? I even went to some concerts to here music I hated, just so I could be with this guy. (He later turned out to be gay too, we were both just too cautious to say anything right off the bat.) This is probably what's happening to you, or this is one STRANGE dude. Have fun at the party, just make sure if you do anything, you have privacy.

 

-Emolyn

[Souki]

You're definitely getting mixed messages. Because he's sending mixed messages. And why does someone send mixed messages?

 

Usually, because he's confused. There's a conflict between what he feels and what he thinks he ought to feel or thinks is appropriate to feel.

 

I've been through this myself. Once. Never again. In my case, my friend ended up punishing me in various ways for years because of the way he felt about me. He loved me. He didn't want to love me. He decided it was my fault.

 

Only when I'd had enough did the relationship end.

 

My advice to you: Proceed. But with great caution. When you know the guy better, tell him how you feel. Remember: There's nothing wrong with how you feel, so there's no reason to conceal it. Then watch his reaction. There are several possibilities.

 

1. He's gay, too, and he's attracted to you, too, and he's comfortable with that. Bingo. (Note, however, that this isn't the sort of situation in which mixed messages are sent.)

 

2. He's gay, too, and he's attracted to you, too, and for any one of several reasons he's not comfortable with that. Start planning your exit strategy. (Here, mixed messages are often sent.)

 

3. He's not gay, but he's fond of you and wants you as a friend. This isn't unworkable -- but he's got to be the sort of guy who realizes that one should go out of one's way not to hurt people who love him. And you've got to be the sort of guy who realizes that you can have a close, loving relationship without sex -- and that such relationships can be very rewarding. (Here, mixed messages aren't often sent, but sometimes an overeager recipient can think they are.)

 

4. He's not gay and for any one of several reasons, he's not comfortable with your feelings. Probably you won't need an exit strategy because you'll find he's already pursued one himself. (Non gay guys don't usually send mixed romantic messages to other guys.)

[demaco]

souki!,

thanks alot I am enlightened now. Well, I went to his room yesterday, he has some hot girls pinups on the wall, the room is somewhat tidy and well organised, smells fresh too, unlike the rest of his guys roomates. I am not suggesting anything here, I'm gay and my room is somewhat messy, but what I am trying to say is I think he is straight. I am sad that my radar is so off, I can never sense the right one. In your reply, you mentioned that the eager recipient might perceive signals wrongly, I tried to think it over again, I do not think I am desperate or something but he does give me eye contacts all the time, he would turn his head over and glanced at me several times while we were in the lab, and today he was handing me something and he hold my hand, when I think about it, It seems weird enough that a straight guy would touch another guys hand? Iwould want to have as little as physical contact as possible with the ladies or guys i dont like, it's just something tht makes one feel uncomfortable. dont you think so? He mentioned again today that we should really hang out on friday nite like get drunk or get some girls? and he even reminded me to call him? I believe that when u are infatuated with someone, u tend to make a mountain out of every molehill; again am i having wishful thinking syndrome here? I am not sure if i really love him, NOR I am habouring any sexual fantasy on him. I just wanna spend alot of time with him.

again, thanks alot, You have shown me the lights when I am lost in darkness.

[annie24]

erm...... I don't know if you're gay-dar is really off. Perhaps the girl pinups could be there as a decoy for his roommates, so they don't suspect he's into guys.

 

But, yeah, I don't want to give you a false sense of hope. But, I think all this eye contact and vibes must mean something, right?

 

See how things go, but don't get your hopes up. At least, he sounds like he can be a good friend to you, and that's always a good thing. Try not to get too drunk around him, so you don't do something impulsive, or say something.

[shorty4ever15]

hmm....been a really long time since I've posted here. I dont know why but your post really caught my eye.

 

I think it was the part about are you seeing things in the way you want it to seem or the way it is really happening.

 

From experience, I know from first-hand experience--including putting myself into a deep state of depression for about a year with me being hung up on my friend--anyway, something that I really wanted to make clear to you, since you said you are still "in the closet", is that you are in a situation where the only way you can get any further in your life so to speak is by, well coming out. Whether it be just to him at first, or even another trusting friend or something.

 

Back on the subject--sorry I'm pretty observant to minor details--you said that you may be thinking that you are simply exagerating his actions to your benefit. For instance, a simple glance at the eyes turns into him staring at you. Trust me, I've done it many times. And in order to get an answer to that question is by simply letting yourself into a state where you are becoming the observer from a third point of view. Since you are, in essense, alone out there, you need to sit back and be honest with yourself. Is he really acting like someone with a crush would....or is he simply just a friendly person looking for a good friend. There is very very small differences between the two. Thus, very simple to misconstrue what his actions really mean.

 

Something that I'm surprised was never really mentioned yet, try to find out this person's opinions on homosexuality. Hard to do without giving away your own sexuality....YOUD THINK.....not true. It's really quite simple to do. Something thats been in the news for awhile now that many people talk about...gay marriage for instance. Find out this guy's attitude's towards gays. If he is in the same situation as you, then he will prolly not just come out and say he supports it all one hundred percent. But, more than likely, he will not be absolutely disgusted by the thought of two men together.

 

Try to get into your friends soul and get to know who he really is. You may come to find that as much as you like this person, you want to simply keep him as a friend. On the other hand, you may come to face your original thoughts that you are in fact "in love" with him and not just love him.

 

If you really think that he feels the same way you do, then unfortuneately, your at a stalemate until someone makes a move. Simple as that. I truly believe that if in fact you are both "in love" with each other than sooner or later, emotion will set in and you both will come to realize the truth about each other.

 

Sorry this is really getting kinda long. I hope that something in here was of some help. This has been my first post in awhile so forgive me if I'm "rusty".

 

~Shorty

[Souki]

When I think about it, It seems weird enough that a straight guy would touch another guys hand? Iwould want to have as little as physical contact as possible with the ladies or guys i dont like, it's just something tht makes one feel uncomfortable. dont you think so?

 

* * *

 

Such things make some people uncomfortable. But not everyone.

 

Look, we have bodies. How and when and to what extent they come into contact has a bearing on our relationships. The proof of this is that some people are uncomfortable about certain kinds of contacts in the context of certain kinds of relationships.

 

But some people are less uncomfortable. The kind of "straight" guy who would deliberately avoid touching another guy's hand is very uncomfortable. The kind of "straight" guy who would think nothing of touching another guy's hand is more comfortable. Remember: There are cultures in which men walk together on the street holding hands or arm in arm. I was in Buenos Aires for Christmas this year, and believe me, it struck me as a little odd that male cops on the street would walk up to each other and kiss.

 

Just as there's variation from culture to culture, there's variation from individual to individual in a single culture.

 

* * *

 

He mentioned again today that we should really hang out on friday nite like get drunk or get some girls? and he even reminded me to call him? I believe that when u are infatuated with someone, u tend to make a mountain out of every molehill; again am i having wishful thinking syndrome here? I am not sure if i really love him, NOR I am habouring any sexual fantasy on him. I just wanna spend alot of time with him.

 

* * *

 

It sounds to me like he may be a great guy -- comfortable with himself. Comfortable with other people. Willing to contribute to a friendship in ways that guys who are frightened of appearing gay just cannot. He wants to spend time with you. You want to spend time with him. So do. You'll find out about his sexuality eventually -- and he'll find out about yours. He doesn't sound like the kind of guy who won't want to be friends with you just because you're gay -- but if it turns out that he is, probably you won't want to be friends with him.

 

And remember what I said before: Even if you find eventually that you love him, and he doesn't reciprocate that feeling in precisely the way you might like, such a relationship can still be very rewarding for both of you.

 

Good luck.

[demaco]

I am not sure if I am gonna post this, but I think it is my responsibility to keep it updated. this should be my last post here, and before I go on I would like to thank everyone who has been so patient with me for the past week.

I went to the party, things were completely different than I thought it would be, I do not understand how his behaviour could be totally different from how he used to treat me, he was cold, arrogant and without a smile, I was left alone the whole night, while he was away talking to girls. However, I am glad there was someone I know, so I wouldnt look so stupid. There are lots of wonders in my mind now, but I think it doesnt matter anymore. I remember someone said before that being gay is not easy at all, and I guess life is gonna be tough for me for the rest of my life

[annie24]

Oh gosh - I'm sorry that things didn't turn out well, but I guess you know now that he's arrogant and cold (and probably likes girls), so I guess it's just good to know the truth. I bet it is tough being gay. Too bad there's no secret handshake, so you can tell who's who.

 

I think, in time, you'll meet someone great and they'll be just right for you.

 

Anyways, you are always welcome here when you have something you'd like to share or need some opinions. Take care!!!!