Girl I Miss

[Big Sus]

Hello, this is the first time I’m posting to a forum for advice other than my World of Warcraft account. I try to figure out things on my own for the most part because that’s what I like to do but this calls for backup. This is going to be a long story but I need to give an idea of how it plays out. I should start at the beginning. About six years ago, before I was 15 I go to a friend’s small gathering and meet this girl. We have this intimate conversation about life but nothing too crazy. I really like her and continue to see her every so often during the next year or so at this same friend’s gathering but I never make a move because I’m a scared boy. I know she likes me because obvious hints like wanting me to play spin the bottle and other flirty signs. After a while I end up not going to the gatherings for a long time so then I only saw her maybe two or three times that year. One day we add each other on Snap Chat and we’re snapping of course and end up texting all the time. I MEAN ALL THE TIME. I send a message and she responds instantly. We have a really good relationship over texting and not much in the real world because I am a loser and never got a car until I was 19… so I barely ever saw her. We would joke with each other and we had and still do have a ton of inside jokes but it wasn’t always a fluent conversation as if we were on our phones because the nerves getcha. I end up not going to my senior year and take online classes for personal reasons. This girl talked to me everyday during that school year. All my other friends seemed like they forgot about me almost. But not her! We even called each other some days and I would stay up late just to talk to her and be exhausted at work the next morning but it was worth it. The school year would have been the worst year of my life if it weren’t for her because she made me not feel lost and lonely when all my friends were not really there for me. Fast forward more into a party she had for her going away to college. It was fun yada yada but after the party I’m lying in bed the next night thinking about her so much because she is going away in the morning. I can’t sleep and I finally send her a message pouring my heart out about how I’ve liked her a lot and how I want to be with her. (YEAH I SHOULD HAVE SAID THIS A LONG TIME AGO) It was almost like a release after that message sent and I fell asleep because I felt content. I hear my phone go off in the early morn. She feels the same that I do but alas, it’s too late. She doesn’t want to start a relationship especially long distance the morning leaving for college. I’m still joyful even though she is leaving and I won’t see her for months. Just the fact she feels the same was amazing.

 

We still talk to each other quite a bit, but not as much because she’s busy at school. A few days before she comes home I get a text from her after not communicating after maybe a week. She explains that she wants to be with me BAD. She wants me, the girl that I have been waiting for wants ME and I want to be with her a lot. From there on out we text crazily about how much we wanted to be together when she gets home. (One of my friends drove 3 hours to go see her and talked to her about me and how we would be good together out of his own free will.) She finally comes home. I see her and hang out with her family on valentine’s day and later on see her friends. I go to a play with a buddy that was held at my old school the next night and I see her there with her friend and friend’s mom. She is distant and doesn’t make really any eye contact with me. Later that night she says she has some bad news and asks if I’d like to hear it over phone or text. I get a choice and the bad news flows in that she can no longer be with me after one day of her and I not even being alone and I only got to be with her one time in the two weeks she was home. At this point I want to leave the world being 18 and about four years later after finally getting into a “relationship” or whatever that nonsense was. I continue to text her over maybe three or four days trying to get information on what is going on and why she changed her mind. After so long she says she is going to be brutally honest with me and says she doesn’t like me anymore. Not as a boyfriend I guess. I didn’t talk to her for a long time. She even came home months later and I saw her at that same friend’s gathering/party. But this time she had another guy with her. I didn’t talk to her that whole night even when I was standing two feet away from her. She tried talking to me at one point. She said the guy she was with wasn’t her boyfriend.

 

HMM now why would she tell me that? Months later I finally send her a text which I had been thinking about sending. I said I was sorry for not saying a word to her at the party and for not talking to her over the phone. But I wasn’t sorry, she deserved at least that bit. I sent that because I missed her. I’m now 20 years old and almost two years since she broke up with me, though I wouldn’t even say it was a real relationship. We’ve had these small bursts of texts only a few times where we would talk to each other like the old days but she would try to get in touch with me every so often. She let me know I was the person she would want to talk to if she could choose one person for the rest of her life. I would get somewhat depressed when I would think about her and she asks to hang out with me when she comes home. It’s hard to forget about somebody like that especially when you keep seeing them. She is home once again right now and I love being around her but I also hate it because it’s horrible when she leaves and I can’t express what I want to when she is around. She came over a few days ago and we spent three or four hours together just her and I. I can’t shake the feeling that she only said she doesn’t like me because she doesn’t want to be in a long distance relationship and she doesn’t want me to wait for her to get out of school which will be many years until she is completely done. Sometimes she says things and I feel there is still something there between us. I’m not in a happy state of mind right now and I almost want to just not talk to her because it’s killing me. I also want to call her bluff. I want to know should I move on and get into a real relationship (which I’m not even sure I want to do) or should I really talk to her in person. She is the only girl I’ve REALLY liked. I’ve never had a girlfriend and I think it’s time I get one for my own happiness. I could go on but this has been a long journey and I can’t recall every detail in this moment I really want to know am I crazy for thinking she may still have feelings or is this sane?

[Capricorn3]

Can you please edit your post into readable paragraphs as it is impossible to read such a massive wall of text. Thanks.

[Big Sus]

Sorry about that. Went on a rant and just posted it.

[dundermiflin]

Hey, I feel your pain. Does she still have this boyfriend? It could be true that she just doesn't want a long-distance relationship and is stuffing her feelings. I'd guess making her admit that wouldn't change much though. She's unwilling to work out the distance issue. You can't wait for this girl for years while she finishes school and dates other guys. I'd say if you can hack it, continue to be her friend, but dial it back for your own sanity, and try to meet other girls. Get to know some of them and give them a real chance. It will be good for you; might make her jealous but that's her own fault. Don't let her yo-yo you unless she is willing to make an effort to be in a real relationship with you.

 

You both are so young still. You two will grow and change in many ways. Your connection with each other is bound to change, no matter what. I guess I'm trying to say, get out there and live life, find out who you are, and find your friends/soulmates/girlfriends that are there for you and available. Loosen up your focus on this relationship with this one girl. You don't have to cut her out, if you can handle that she is only offering friendship. You miss her, so if you want, take what she's willing to give and don't push for more; it'll just push her away. And then just go do you. There's a lot out there for you even if you don't see it right now. Trust this. Good luck!

[Big Sus]

No, that wasn't her boyfriend and she has not had one since then. That is one of the many reasons I think she is just hiding her feelings. I started doing what you suggested almost exactly last night. Thank you for the reply. I really appreciate it and I'm going to live life for now!