Girlfriend of one year wants a break (Long text)

[jaceisaac7]

So what initially happened was that she broke up with me initially because of several things that were bothering her. I do need to mention that she has generalized anxiety disorder and has been in therapy for over 2 years because of it. One thing to understand is that we are both very screwed up people, I have a lot of insecurities myself that I deal with and probably dumped too much on her. But never thought that it was affecting her as badly as it was until she said we had to break up. The thing that really broke it though was that she noticed that there was a big power imbalance between us because one of my insecurities is being liked and making people happy so I tend to let people walk all over me and she got uncomfortable with the fact that whenever she told me to do or not do things I would just follow along. She didn't want to become her mother who became a control freak and would tell her dad how to live his life before they got divorced and have that happen to us and have us fighting all the time because I eventually would become sick of it. But it reconnects back more to our insecurities and her anxieties as people. Because as issues would come up as they usually do in any relationship one of my insecurities is that I wanted to be a good person and boyfriend and my fear was that I would do or say something that would hurt her immensely because of my own family history and all that. So whenever there was an issue she needed to discuss with me seriously I would get extremely upset and end up shutting down and blaming myself even though it wasn't even my fault necessarily. So she would feel like she was carrying a big part of the conversation and would have to worry about making sure I was okay and making sure we could still discuss the issue. But it fed directly into her anxiety of not wanting to hurt and upset her loved ones or anyone really so she became terrified of bringing up issues with me, and so eventually the communication broke down and it would become a vicious circle of our anxieties and fears feeding into each other. I was not fully aware of how badly this was affecting her because I'm an idealist and I'm very keen on seeing the positives in a situation. Though I had my own concerns and issues with the relationship, what with college and her work and finals ramping and news that her grandfather was dying the past couple of months have been really hard for her. But I felt very neglected in a lot of aspects and because we didn't live together yet we weren't really able to get physically intimate with each other as much as we wanted. None of which was her fault but I myself was trying to find a way to have this discussion after our finals and vacation down to New Mexico to visit her grandparents. Taking a break was on the table for me because I wanted to ask her what she really wanted and got out of the relationship other than having me as a boyfriend in name and company alone. But it wasn't fully formulated yet because I didn't want to have to go through with taking a break with her. But the day came when she broke up with me and I was determined to try and fix my insecurities for no one but myself. I redefined my goals in life and what I wanted and was ready to set forth and do it. But there was still left open and I wanted closure so we agreed on a date to meet up and talk about everything. But that day came and it all just felt wrong to me, I still loved her immensely and I was miserable without having her in my life because she was my best friend before we started dating. We never even tried to work through our problems and it all just felt very wrong. I was going to ask her if she wanted to try taking a break rather than making it a full break up because I still needed to think and redefine myself. But she beat me to it saying she was just as miserable, she couldn't eat sleep and she just wanted to tell me about her day and that she needed more time to think about everything. She did say that she knows she's emotional and that what she said prior does still hold weight and should be considered but she loves me and wants to see if we can make it work. So she asked me if I wanted to just take a break rather than break up. I agreed and we went over all our problems together wrote them down and came up with several possible solutions. We agreed that we could still see a future together and that we still loved each other so much. We agreed on a date to meet back up in three weeks after she gets back from New Mexico. Meanwhile I'm still determined to get better for myself I've scheduled appointments with my old youth pastor, a therapist and have been doing a lot of self help techniques to reverse a lot of these negative insecure thinking patterns. My question for you guys is...What would you do in our situation if you were me or if you were her? Is it doomed or can we save it?

[Hollyj]

Are you in therapy, too?

[jaceisaac7]

I'm scheduling appointments and trying to find a long term therapist.

[Hollyj]

Good. I think you should focus on your own issues before considering a reconciliation. Ask your therapist to advise you in this manner.

[jaceisaac7]

So would trying to fix it be useless?

[Hollyj]

We are not qualified to answer that question. I think that you should speak to a therapist.