My emotionally shut down friend

[Smokey49]

I hope I put this in the correct forum, I wasn't sure which to choose. I will try to keep my background info as brief as I can.

 

I have a male friend who I've been extremely close, for several years. The relationship began strictly platonic, as he had a girlfriend and I was married. I should mention this is a long distance relationship and is mostly through text. I have always been a huge support system for him and he has always trusted and come to me when he needed someone, even if he was in a relationship. His history is extremely complicated as I learned over the years, that is marked by betrayal from a wife, family member, girlfriends. Basically his entire adult life (he's 32). His parents fought a lot when he was a child, before they divorced, and as a result can not handle conflict or negative emotions well at all-he will pull away. And he has never dealt with the negative emotions that resulted from all of the above situations. As a result, with this last break up, he completely fell apart for about 3 days and then began a slow pull away until he completely shut down. He would go days and I wouldn't hear from him at all. When he did text, it was superficial and short. He is dealing with family issues right now, that need to be addressed. I should mention that there is an unbelievable emotional connection between us and when we see each other, it is very palpable. It has gotten romantic before. But we were both in a relationship and we left it at that. We have always been incredibly close and talked several times a day. Now-maybe 2-3 times a week. I know he is focusing on himself-as I told him he needed to do years ago, and stay out of relationships until he has handled his own stuff. But it is literally killing me how he has pulled away-even though I've since learned this is what men do. He does still text me, and I know he's still hanging on to me. But I don't know what I can or should say and what I shouldn't. I have read that pushing or pursuing will only result in him pulling further away and I totally believe that.

 

So my question is for the guys I guess. Tell me how to handle a man that is so emotionally damaged and on the verge of a shutting down with the least amount of pressure or gesture. I don't want to stop texting him and have him think I abandoned him like everyone else in his life-I promised him I never would. And I don't want to text him everyday and seem like I'm trying to insert myself into his space when I know he needs time. This situation is driving me crazy as I care very deeply for him and would do anything I could to help him. Even if that means removing myself from his life. Help!

Smokey

[Jibralta]

What makes you think he needs help? Maybe this is his normal way of dealing with things and everything will be ok. Are you afraid he is going to harm himself?

[Smokey49]

Thank you for your reply. It's not necessarily that I'm trying to figure out how to help him. I guess I'm trying to figure out how to adjust to this emotional distance without alienating him further. I understand that he's trying to deal with his issues and really isn't thinking about anything or anyone else. I just know that he DOESNT deal with things. He just buries all negative feelings. This last let down I guess you could say was the final straw and now he has to deal with all of it. I just want to figure out how to be there for him without making him feel like I'm hovering or being pushy if that makes sense.

[Jibralta]

I guess I'm trying to figure out how to adjust to this emotional distance without alienating him further.

 

I just want to figure out how to be there for him without making him feel like I'm hovering or being pushy if that makes sense.

 

It makes sense. You seem to be aware of the fact that you want to hover and take care of him. But I suggest you resist (as I think you are doing) and just go with the flow.

 

What makes you feel so compelled to help him deal with his own feelings. Do you think he is unable to do so? Does he expect you to help him?

[Smokey49]

It makes sense. You seem to be aware of the fact that you want to hover and take care of him. But I suggest you resist (as I think you are doing) and just go with the flow.

 

What makes you feel so compelled to help him deal with his own feelings. Do you think he is unable to do so? Does he expect you to help him?

 

Thank goodness it made sense lol. I guess I feel so compelled to help him because I know him so well. I know that he is where he is now because of his inability to handle negative emotions and conflict in relationships. Or how to handle the hurt when betrayed. So it just piles up. I know he doesn't have the tools to do it. I fully believe that he will never have a healthy real relationship until he learns how to. And yes, he does value my advice and observations. He knows how much I care about him and want him to be happy. But for now I do think staying back and keeping my opinions and advice to myself is best unless asked.

[beebs82]

This sounds like my ex. I wish I had some encouraging words of advice. I'm struggling with the same thing. You want them to know you care but you don't want to smother them. Yet they would never ask for help or tell you how they feel because they may not even be aware themselves. I think maybe you can reach out but not ask any questions to where he feels like he needs to respond. Leave it as a statement text. Like hey hope you're ok I'm here if you need me. Or txt him just thinking about you hope you had a good day.