I (21M) have been constantly thinking about ending 3 year relationship with (20F) I can't figure out

[MacTheII]

I think I genuinely love my girlfriend and we frequently talk as though we will be together forever. She has done many things in the past (emotionally cheated on me once and broke up with me once before as well) which really made me question things. Somehow I always find my love for her again and we've been back together again for a few months now after she broke up with me for about a week.

 

We live together currently and we argue a lot. She hates when I play video games because I can't really interact with her when I do but it seems dumb to me because otherwise we'd just be laying around next to each other on our phones not interacting anyway.

 

She gets very upset when I don't suggest we clean the condo because she insists she always has to make us clean. This is true, I am lazy and usually pretty stressed about school but I never give her trouble about cleaning and I help clean and honestly I feel I do more than she does once we actually start cleaning.

 

Those are more logistical things that I guess we could solve if it came down to it but the far more important things follow:

 

She is not a very affectionate person at all and I am. She doesn't like hugs and she actively hates kissing. To kiss her is the feat of a demigod. She insists its just her but it makes me feel really upset because it makes me feel unwanted. Even if I could logically trust her about it not being me it still upsets me because I want to kiss her and hug her and make out etc etc and she doesn't at all. Sex is also an issue as I have a very high libido and she honestly couldn't care less about it. In the past four weeks we have had sex maybe five times, this isn't how i want to be living when we are only twenty!!!

 

To follow the ending of the last issue, I think she might be gay. Now, she is bisexual, she proclaims this but I don't think she is straight at all honestly. Given her physical issues with me and how often she points out other girls and things it makes me feel very unwanted. We intended to have a threesome type thing with this one girl she met on instagram and she has talked about how she ghosted us in the midst of our dry streak... How am I supposed to believe her that her physical things are all HER when she basically tells me she's fantasizing about this girl.

 

Beyond the physical I find that I'm emotionally let down by her. I have to pry an 'i love you' out of her when I'm leaving or if I just want to say it and hear it said back. She never compliments me or really says anything affectionate to me EVER. I have to dig opinions about my outfits or my hair out of her, it seems like she is entirely apathetic about me most times.

 

She takes her frustration out on me often, we work together and she will blow up on me if things get stressful and when she is playing Overwatch she will yell at me if she is doing badly or has a bad team. I feel walked on sometimes.

 

Despite all of this, and more that I don't want to elaborate on for the sake of organizing my thoughts and adding anymore to this massive post, I love her and we have fun together often. We have fun going out on dates and watching things together and I can get so happy that I feel foolish for ever wanting to end it. But this makes me feel like we should just be friends, because the more intimate things I want form a girlfriend I just find myself wanting for.

 

As far as her past infidelity goes, and the fact that she broke up with me, I have forgiven her. I thought I had forgiven her previously but still harbored animosity about it. I truly have forgiven her now though, there is no anger and I almost never think about it anymore but it does come back to me when we argue, almost as if like: why is she putting me through this? She cheated on me and left me for my friend, she should put up with any of my at this point. Which I know is abusive and unfair but I just don't know if I can lead a healthy relationship with her after what she has done, even if I have forgiven her.

 

This is all coming to a head because two nights ago I had a DREAM that we had broken up and I was so happy and felt such a large load off of my shoulders. I woke up and was actively disappointed to realize we were still together. I feel so stupid because of all the good with us but at the same time there is so much that she can't/won't give me and I don't want to feel this way when I'm only 21.

[Andrina]

Just the fact that your libidoes are drastically different should make this a deal breaker for you. Add on top of that her repetition of breaking up with you. Past behavior predicts future behavior. You're incompatible in many ways, including showing affection and how you spend your leisure time.

 

You've played house and found out what doesn't work for you. Go your separate ways. Take a good long time to mourn the relationship and concentrate on yourself before you begin dating again. The next time around, come up with a must haves list and a deal breakers list and stick to it.

[Josl]

Well, if you're really unhappy, break up.

 

If you don't want to break up (yet):The issue seems to be that you both want something better, but don't want to do anything for it (in very simplistic terms). You complain that she doesn't make you feel wanted/appreciated etc. and acknowledge that there's things she asks you to change but you don't. And you want her to want you, but she doesn't. But why would she, if you're to lazy and just hang out in front of the computer - with the best case scenario being you two laying next to each other on the phone? And I don't mean that as an offense, I just want you do think what you do that makes you attractive to her.

If there's still an chance to turn things around and you really want that - make yourself attractive to her. Some general suggestions: Try to be more attractive (working out, nicer clothes (in case you're hanging out in sweatpants)), surprise her with cooking dinner (in your clean apartment), or taker her to dinner, have an outing (concert, zoo, whatever she likes) or a daytrip or weekend away, or just clean the place some day while she's gone. Just do something nice and thoughtful for her without (!) expecting anything back. Don't see it as a trade, just do a genuinely nice gesture to make her happier. And if you're lucky, you can get that spark back. (Or keep your next relationship from losing it.) Best of luck!