Messed Everything Up

[feeling lost1]

To give some background, I work abroad, and about six months ago a woman joined my workplace. She is truly an amazing person, and we hit it off straight away, similar interests, and would spend evenings together sharing pretty much everything, - in short, we were in a relationship for the past six months.

 

And herein comes my monumental screw-up.

 

When we were with other colleagues, I didn't show her a huge amount of affection. Workplace relationships are frowned upon where I work (I've seen people get fired/moved to a different part of the company because of them), so, ironically, I didn't want to mess things up by publicly showing how I felt about her when we were out with colleagues. And to top it off, a month ago she told me that she loved me, and I didn't say it back. Not because I don't love her, but because I didn't know how to respond. The reason being, I've lost everyone I've loved in life from a very young age, so for me to say "I love you" to somebody takes time, because with that comes an admission to myself that I'm vulnerable to being hurt again. To going through that grief of loss again. I did try to show her in every other way that I loved her - I just couldn't say the words at the time. Ironically, I had bought a ticket to her home country as a surprise for New Years - it's something she told me a while back would make her year, and that although she didn't think it would happen, she would love it if I did.

 

It all came to a head last week. A disagreement in work turned into something more, an argument where we didn't speak to each other all weekend. For the last week, I tried to make things right, to explain why I couldn't get the words out at the time. I don't blame her for this - I understand why she built a wall around her heart. Meeting up for the past few days (we do several things together still), I can feel her frustration at me no matter what I do or say, and yesterday, when I couldn't just sit there and take it any longer, and spoke up about it, she told me she feels nothing for me.

 

I am gutted to say the least. Emotionally crushed.

 

For those of you reading this thinking that it's a case of another idiot guy who didn't realise what he had until it was gone, then perhaps you are right.

 

I do believe she loved me, very much when she said it. I know I hurt her (probably as much as I am hurting now) when I didn't say it back to her. Part of me believes, or at least, wants to believe that she still does love me - that you can't just get rid of love after a few weeks. Of course, an equal part of me right now feels that it's gone forever, and that when she says she feels nothing for me now, that it's true.

 

I know that it wasn't just the "I love you" moment that was the problem - it's a culmination of my actions. the indifference she felt when work colleagues were around. I know that she probably felt in limbo, and that I made her feel that way.

 

How I actually feel about her is that I do love her, very very much, and did from quite early on. I love who she is, not just what she is, if that makes sense. I wanted (still want) a future with her, and if everything kept going well, a life and kids together.

 

This isn't my first relationship, despite how my words might come across. I've broken up with people before, and have been broken up with. This is different. This just really has me upside down right now, and I would do whatever it takes to make this right.

[Mrs34836]

Tell her your real feelings - don't be scared to tell her exactly what you said above. I bet she's just confused and thinks you don't like her. Or if she is interested in someone else it's good to know she isn't real now instead of later after more time is invested. Best wishes for you! I hope it all works out.

[MissCanuck]

What was it you fought about?