Complicated Break Up - Hopeful, but kind of hopeless?

[WhatTheWhat]

Hoping you guys can lend some advice for my story. It's a long one, so buckle up!

 

My ex and I have an interesting story. She is an extremely patient and caring person, but she also likes to live in the moment and has historically retreated from her emotions when they become tough/difficult.

 

She broke it off around ~2 months ago.

 

Backdrop to breakup: We returned from an LDR about a year ago and pretty much immediately moved in together. It's important to note that during our LDR, my mother died. I don't have a good father figure, and don't really have an emotional support system that I truly needed to mourn my loss. My ex tried, but I needed serious, ongoing help. When she did broach the topic, I pushed her away (I pushed everyone way bitterly when they tried to talk to me about it).

 

After the LDR part ended, symptoms of my depression flourished and our relationship suffered tremendously while we were living together: I played video games all the time as an escape, was tired all the time, had bad memory, and instigated regrettable fights when we were drinking together. It's important to note that I raised my voice/yelled during these fights. I did not insult her, but I was controlling and bitter. I am truly regretful and ashamed that I treated someone whom I love with such apathy and anger. I can say our arguments were not healthy and her friends(and some family) are aware of a lot of this. Before this time our fights were few and far between

 

Anyway, after a few months of sporadic (alcohol induced) arguments from around June - September, she told me she needed space and was to stay at a friend's house. She told me she sees me differently now, and I understand why. After discussing her issues w the relationship, it became clear to me what I had been doing and how I had been hurting her. I was accepting and understanding of her decisions, and we hugged and cried together when she told me.

 

I immediately started going to a counselor who has been extremely helpful with me opening up about my mother's death (and has since helped me with coping with this BU). She informally diagnosed me with depression and in the three months we have made considerable progress (I won't go into detail here, but am happy to if someone replies). I have thrown out the video games, no longer nap after work, controlled my drinking, and have revived my social life since counseling. My ex is aware of all these tangible changes.

 

Through the breakup, my ex and I have been in intermittent contact that have given me a lot of hope that we might reconcile. After a few weeks of NC, she would drop in and we would go get a beer together or just hang out. We have kissed/held hands through the break up. When we talk, the chemistry is still there and she says very meaningful things (I miss you/you are my favorite person/etc) that make me think she still considers us a possibility. She says she feels guilty about the break up, and that is why she comes around.

 

I instigated our most recent conversation, and us trying again (I mostly keep radio silence but ran into her). After our discussion, she seriously considered trying but then realized it was a false hope: Her big thing is how does she know my changes are sustainable and that she needs space and time to forgive me. We've had meaningful conversations about our communication and insecurity problems and what we could do to improve them if we tried again. She is actively engaged in these conversations and volunteers where she could improve. She also asks about counseling from time to time. I feel like if we had these talks 6 months ago we'd be so happy.

 

We agreed to take more space and time from each other, with the idea that we both know "we'll see each other again". I asked her to not speak to me out of guilt again. It is clear she wants to live her life and I am doing my best to do the same.

 

I also found out she started seeing someone right after our BU, but she later told me she did not like him and decided to stop see him (after I found out). Just this past Sunday, we took a long walk together to a dog park and spent about 3 hours together. No intimacy this time. I told her I'd like to see if we can just hang out without any expectations and see if we can have fun together.

 

Can a sympathetic ear lend their opinion on where you think she's at? Is she actually looking for temporary space/time, or is she just moving on from me forever? Are the events of this relationship/break up too bad for her to ever consider me again? I asked her to hang out with me again, and she said she needs to 'think it over' and that she may need more space between hang outs. If there is a chance, can someone tell me their best advice?

[reinventmyself]

Can a sympathetic ear lend their opinion on where you think she's at? Is she actually looking for temporary space/time, or is she just moving on from me forever? Are the events of this relationship/break up too bad for her to ever consider me again? I asked her to hang out with me again, and she said she needs to 'think it over' and that she may need more space between hang outs. If there is a chance, can someone tell me their best advice?

 

There is absolutely no way I can get in her head to figure out where she's at. Though I admire your hard work and introspection and maybe I am reading it all wrong but you attribute a lot of your mistakes due to depression and loss of your mother. I don't believe people are controlling due to depression and grief and the toxic ways in which you argued come from a matrix that runs much deeper. These are character issues. You can work through them but not easily.

 

It feels as if you might want her to believe that now that the depression and grief are past, so are the character flaws?

It's a hard sell. Is it possible? Yes, but no where near easy.

 

She's still entertaining you. That's a good sign.

Just keep doing what you are doing. Keep up the good work and manage your expectations some.

This may not end the way you hope it will. Be prepared for that.

[WhatTheWhat]

Thanks for your response. You make a very good point about my controlling behavior. I am also working on my insecurity with my counselor and learning to be proud of myself. Also, just being cognizant of what controlling behavior helps me understand how I was controlling with her in the past. My grief/depression led to me never wanting to do anything and laying around in the house and taking her for granted. My ex would go out, and then I would get jealous (there were some minor fishy things that she would do, but nothing I should have been upset about). So, I guess the two worked hand-in-hand?

 

I also understand tempering my expectations. That's gotten easier with time as she's continued to reject/lead me on with no concrete results.

 

Would you recommend letting her do all the contact initiation? I feel like this would be best, but wanted your opinion.