One month after breakup

[1278]

I decided to journal and write now how I'm coping or how I just feel about my breakup. At first I didn't intend to post on here but then I decided why not.

 

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It’s been five weeks since I broke up with him, a day before a month since I last seen him, and over a week since I stopped talking to him consecutively and over three weeks since I implemented no contact. It’s really really hard. This is honestly one of the hardest things I’ve done so far. I need to heal. I want to become stronger and recover from this. I want to find my own happiness from myself. I miss him terribly. I feel as if I can’t stop missing him. It’s really hard.

 

I want to take this opportunity to grow, I need to take it as a learn experience. Looking into the future and seeing a stronger and more mature version of myself makes me feel hopeful and optimistic and motivated to grow and become a better me for me. I can’t wait for my breakthrough.

 

I’m trying my best to accept we’re over. I never knew how much I tend to deny the reality of things until now. The first month was really hard, but hindsight although I knew he wasn’t with me anymore, I found myself denying the finality of it by bargaining and plotting to get him back. This isn’t a time to concern myself and waste my energy trying to decipher what he’s going through or his emotions and his thoughts. This is an opportunity for me to grow and to focus on me. I’m still young and I have so much growing to do.

 

I do wonder about him. We used to be so involved in each other’s lives and to cut him out cold turkey feels unnatural and sometimes frightening. I think it’s because how much of myself I felt when I was with him not just physically but also emotionally. I never felt so much like myself with anyone except him. He was also my best friend. I felt more myself with him than my actual friends that it also surprised myself. I feel as if we were the same person. The way we did things. We were the same in a different ways. Looking back on it now, we were very similar people.

 

I’m trying to find ways to be mad at him so I can move on faster but the reality is he’s a good person. I know he cares about me, I know he never intended to hurt me, I know he’ll always love me. I wish the circumstances were different.

 

I remember a quote from The Office where Andy had said, “I wish there was a way to know you were in the good old days before you’ve actually left them” and that line resonated with me so heavily not only towards this relationship but just past good memories overall. I don’t know how much I can stress how grateful of the experience I had with him. This was my first love. It was innocent, young, happy love. We went to prom together, he went to all my dance shows and competitions, we went through graduation together, we started the college experience together although we don’t go to the same school. Everything about it was perfect and I would not change a single memory, thing, experience or whatever. I understand now why they say you never will forget your first love. The circumstances before college started was a perfect situation. Senior year of high school was perfect. There was no stress or obligations, there was nothing to worry about. I almost find myself embarrassed to say I miss that part of high school, and find myself wanting to go back.

 

Sometimes I cry because I miss him, sometimes I cry because I’m hurt. I feel hurt in many ways. I feel hurt in a sense that I feel rejected, I feel hurt in a sense that I’m loving somebody that can’t reciprocate it, I feel hurt in a sense of loss, I feel hurt that he told me he rather and wanted to have fun in college, or hang out with his new roommates instead of making any time for me. I understand it though, he never experienced this new found social life before. At first I found it hard to understand because he was so negative of moving away, and to have this new freedom made him feel pressured to have a relationship. I feel hurt that he walked away so easily. The love and appreciation he gave me wouldn’t have me even think these events would transpire. I feel hurt in many ways. Sometimes I get choked up because my feelings and emotions overwhelm me. Sometimes I feel like I can get through this and sometimes I don’t. I hate how it’s not linear.

 

I wish I can just feel better and not look back, but that’s not how it works. Although overall it gets better, some moments feel like it’s day one of the heartache. I want to be able to turn off my feelings for him, but it can’t be helped.

 

I think I’ll always love him. I do feel the love I have towards him was true love, because true love never dies, and although there will be a day where I no longer have romantic feelings towards him, that love will evolve into a love where I will always care about him. I’ll always love him, it’ll be a different kind of love one day but I’m grateful to be able to love. I’m grateful to be able to give love because it’s such a beautiful thing. To be able love somebody is special, to be able to love somebody makes me feel empowered, to be able love somebody makes me feel human.

[sublimek2]

Thanks for sharing this. I think a lot of people in the same position you are will benefit from reading this by being able to see that they aren't alone in what they are going through and feeling.

[sputnik123]

Thanks for sharing 1278.

To echo Sublimek2's thoughts, many people here are going though similar experiences.

Keep going, one day at a time...

[Young mind]

From my heart,I say this is perfection and you’ve never been on a path so good, your words resonate my thoughts almost 2 months of my break up, I am getting stronger and moving on, I and you will realize this is a step we needed in our life to shine, grow and become the greatest version of ourselves. Keep it up and never look back.