Can I put this behind me?

[harlin]

I'm in a three month relationship with a girl who had recent been dumped by her boyfriend of 3 years when we met. He had cheated on her halfway through their relationship, but they worked through it. We met on tinder and immediately had a sexual and personal connection and ended up meeting up and having sex, proceeded with talking non-stop texting for a weeks.

 

We both talked honestly about our past lives and for the most part sexual histories (omitting slightly sensitive details such as timing in the week or two before we met). She often cited her exes cheating as a change in her trust in men and was very vocal about honesty and never cheating on me, or telling me if she was looking to date other people.

 

About a month into our relationship I had plans to go visit my family for Canadian thanksgiving. The night before I was supposed to leave, I suffered a small depressive spell after waking up. We had planned to spend the day together but I wasn't feeling well and opted to go home, so she gave me a ride.

 

The day before she had informed me a male friend of her ex's (we'll call him Adam) wanted to catch up over drinks the day after I was leaving (My ticket was for on Wednesday, the drinks would be Thursday), and she expressed not really wanting to go. At the time I was extremely confident in our relationship, and told her she should go as she seemed to have got along with him in the past.

 

Fast forward to my time with my family for Thanksgiving, we were still talking relentlessly, and I offered her to come spend the weekend with my family for dinner. She took it light-heartedly thinking i was kidding but accepted. Later that day she went to the dinner with Adam, texting me on the way there saying she hopes he doesn't get flirtatious, hoping it was over etc. I told her to text me afterwards.

 

At around 1130 she text me and told me she was home and missed me, and said dinner was cool, he was fun. She said she told him about me and that he couldn't compete. I didn't ask if he hit on her but that seemed to imply he did. We texted for another half an hour before she came out and said he's bi. I almost but didnt ask how it came up. We continued banter and she started sending me nudes until i went to sleep.

 

The next day we made it official she was coming to visit my parents. She would leave Saturday morning as it was her friend's birthday party the Friday night. The Friday i decided to go to bed early (12 AM) to be fresh for our first weekend together, and wished her goodnight and fun with her friends.

 

At about 1:10 i received a facetime of her in an uber with her friends, with her showing me her underwear and saying she missed me. I held out as long as I could on the call, talking to ehr and her wasted friends and went to sleep.

 

She then came for the weekend and I feel that was a great turning point in our relationship. We became closer, better friends and had amazing sex 3-4 days in a row sometimes many times a night.

 

Fast forward to a couple weeks ago, we started having a distance growing. We had all but stopped sexting and having sex, which could be attributed to personal problem (she had recently had to find new work after being fired and I had some hang ups at work, holding back my ability to make money) so I chalked it up to that. We had a talk addressing it, because up until our second month we had an extremely active sex life and texting was a big part of it. She also began having trouble with cramps following sex, in which her stomach looking like something alive would be churning her insides. She was sad because she had had this problem in her last relationship, but up until that point we hadn't had the issue.

 

One night she received three missed calls at 2:30 in the morning form an unknown number, followed by a series of texts from the same number stating that the person need to talk to her, and if they ever needed anything it was now, etc. After finding out it was Adam the next day, I began to have my doubts about her drinks with with him as well as the night with her friends. I violated her privacy and checked her facebook messages where i found two conversations.

 

The first was with Adam, the day of their meeting. It started with him making blatantly obvious sex advances, and her laughing and asking if dinner would be as friends, which was reassuring. But the conversation after they met was interesting. It was had at the same time we were talking/sexting that night. He remarked about her being cold at dinner and said she must have feelings for me. Then he said thank you for letting me see your nudes, and thanked her for showing him the pics i sent to her. He then said he was bi and was turned on by all of it. At this point i was disgusted but read on to see him ask her, if she wasn't in a relationship with me, would she have ed him? To which she replied Absolutely, if not for my ex, or my new boyfriend. He then asked if we were sexting right then to which she said yes. At this point he made some crude comments about eating her cream and stuff like that, and she didnt respond.

 

The conversation with her ex was from the next day (Friday). Throughout the day they had been catching up (I knew they had maintained platonic contact). At 12:30 that night (after i had gone to sleep but before she called me) there were multiple messages from her asking him where he was and to come meet them at the club, etc. and a call made. He replied briefly he was tired and no and then the next morning asked her to call him and if everything was alright. But by then she was on the way to see me.

 

I brought all this up last night after admitting that i had been through her messages. I should mention we are very open with our electronics and both have our fingerprints in the other's iphones. We often leave our computers with each other.

 

She brushed off the thing with ex saying they had been arguing a lot before that day and it felt good to catch up and in the moment of being drunk she wanted to hangout as friends at the bar. She call said if i had heard the call i wouldn't be worried at all.

 

The Adam drinks situation was different where she said that was weird, and she didnt remember saying she would him, but she didnt mean it and was just trying to not be confrontational. She also said he took her phone to see some pics and ended up scrolling through and seeing the nudes. She was more apologetic about this one and seemed to be confused by it all, citing her drunkness as potential reason.

 

She said she wasn't hiding anything, because she left it in the open for me to find.

 

I'm finding it hard to reconcile the Adam drinks thing because she was constantly flopping back and forth between saying she knew he wanted to her and saying she was clueless until the dinner, especially considering she is constantly saying men never know when when someone's interested in them sexually and can't read signals, and she is very adept at reading people essentially.

 

All this happened a while ago, before our relationship was what it is now. That said, when i brought it up, I thought clearing the air would put my mind at ease and let me move on because I wouldn't and don't fault her for missing an ex of three years or going on a date with someone else after a month of seeing someone.

 

But her reaction and explanations are faltering my trust in her a bit and is causing me to doubt the stability of our relationship. I love her and am simply looking for anyone's insights as well as tips on letting the past be the past?

[Honeycomb8]

I'd let this one go aye. It's not just bc she slept with you the first time she met you. That speaks a different attitude towards sex and with her being so casual and deceptive with you in regards to this guy and her CLEARLY still having something with the ex, can you ever trust her again?

 

You deserve someone who doesn't do this and can be loyal.

Like YIKES I'd be running for the hills. =/

 

 

Also her with her recent breakup after a three year relationship, I doubt she's very emotionally avail and you're just going to be the rebound. I wouldn't stick around for this. I guarantee you, if you stay with her this behaviour will continue.

 

If I was dating someone I was taking seriously, anything flirty I'd shut down. I wouldn't be having dinner with the guy pretending that it's 'as friends' when I know it's clearly not.

Come on. Have some self respect.

[Jaque]

I agree with Honeycomb8. The whole thing sounds kind of hinky and it gave me a bad feeling just reading about it. It's a shame, cos you seem to really like her, but yeah, it doesn't sound too promising ...