How NOT to break up!

[LukyVal89]

The breakup (part1):

Due to some financial pressure, and my inability to support my ex girlfriend, I had to let her go. I was 27 she was 10 years older than me. She was from Asia. She wasn't able to work here, and she wanted children and get married. I couldn't support her until she was able to work. I had to tell her that we need to end our relationship. We lived together for about 6 months.

The first 4 days after I ended things we only said a few words to each other. She told me she thought we should still try, I told her that I don't see a future but that I missed her.

 

The breakup (part 2):

So 4 days went by and I started thinking, she was important to me, I missed her and I wanted to talk to her when I got home from work and tell her I want to give us a chance....surprise, she was gone. All her things were gone, so I started freaking out. I called her, she was at the airport. She has found a job in China and was dead set on leaving me. I broke down and cried to her, begging her and asking her to reconsider. I even promised to marry her (The first big mistake). She said she had to go.

 

When her flight arrived in China, I called her again. She was just settling in her friends place. I cried again and asked her if there is nothing we can do to make it work. She only responded by telling me that she never really loved me and she has a good job there and she needed to take this opportunity.

 

Week 1:

Over the coming week following the breakup she refused to talk to me and only wanted to communicate via email. I kept writing her, begging her and told her how much she is hurting me to leave like this. I sent her a good 30 messages. She told me that she still sees me as her friend and if I don't stop distracting her she will block me. So I left her alone for about 2 days.

 

Week 2:

Then I wrote another email. I was calm. I thanked her for the time we had together and told her it was a good decision. She replied in a nice way. Telling me she was sorry that things went this way, but that she doesn't deserve me. I wanted to go NC from here.

The following days she kept emailing me nice and friendly emails. I ignored her for a week and didn't respond to 2 emails and some whatsapp messages. (At this point I should have really stuck to NC!)

 

Week 3:

This is when her third email came in. She told me it's not easy for her in China and that she feels alone. This is the email that broke me. I wrote a long response, telling her how much I still loved her and that I want things to work out between us. Her response was that her feelings didn't catch up to mine. I kept trying to reason with her, but I know that never works. This entire week I sent emails to her asking if there is really nothing we can do. She eventually ignored me.

 

Week 4:

At this point I started to realize she is done. She was moving on. But I was not ready to give up (big mistake). I asked her if she was willing to have one last phone conversation. She ignored me and I was really upset about it.

Two days later I wrote an angry email. I was so upset with the way she treated me since then. While she was not showing me any care to at least have a last conversation, I didn't respect her wish for space either. Her response was a cold "move on"

 

Week 5:

I told her one more time that I loved her and that I wanted to talk to her. Again she just ignored me. I was done. Or at least I thought I was. I couldn't let her go. But I had to. So I started going NC and also started seeing a therapist. Since then my therapist and I talked about my inability to let go. A lot of my behaviour had to do with a childhood trauma. Her just walking out triggered similar emotions. We also talked about her selfish and cold behaviour towards me. Reducing all interaction to email and treating me like we never had a relationship. That is her problem, that was wrong, but she will never understand that she has issues herself to just walk away like this. The silent treatment was emotional abuse and it tortured me.

 

Week 6:

NC

 

Week 7:

After 2 weeks of NC, I wrote her another friendly message. I told her I hoped we can remain friends, yet I wrote her a one pager (big mistake again). lol. She responded with two lines talking about her job and the weather. 5 days later I sent a friendly reply with some questions....no response.

 

Week 8:

NC

 

Week 9:

I asked her again if we could have a final talk. We haven't talked since the breakup and I was unable to handle that. I sent that message to her whatsapp, the next day she blocked me there.

I was upset again about how cold she acted and never responded. I wrote another email, I was so stressed and wanted to reach out. Partially I thought it was for closure to tell her what she did to me. I even told her about my inability to eat and sleep and about my past and the things I had discussed with my therapist. (another huge mistake). She responded in a very condescending way, telling me to get over it and that we all experienced heart break before and that she didn't read all my emails.

 

My last email:

At this point I had to get out of this situation. Just for myself and my sanity. I didn't want to leave things with an angry email. So I wrote one last email. It was nice and respectful. Telling her I will give her space and that I will work on myself. I also said I have no regrets fighting for her, and that I apologize for my behaviour. I feel like I had to do this to leave as a better man on a better note...

 

This was 2 weeks ago and now I want to go NC for at least another month if not forever. There seems to be no chance at all that she will ever come back, and I doubt that I will ever hear from her again. She also has been pretty busy dating and working hard too. Her life has changed completely and she is in a happy place. She is doing just fine without me. I don't even know if she got the last email. She may have blocked my emails as well at this point.

 

Anyway. This was an experience I learned so much from. I have made so many mistakes. From weeks of crying and begging, to insulting her, to trying to be friends despite being ignored. To showing her how weak she made me on a very personal level. At this point all I feel is shame and I wish I at least had the ability to show her that this is not me. This is the clingy post breakup version of myself that I wish had never been exposed. On top of it all, it was me who initiated the breakup, but it is only me suffering today even though I know that breaking up was the right decision for both of us at that time. But now when I think back, this is an issue we could have found a solution for. It was cruel, and I think I pushed away for good the person I wanted to speak to the most. Any advice on how I can redeem myself from this?

[MissCanuck]

I think you need to work on letting go of the idea of reconciliation.

 

She appears entirely uninterested, and really, how could this possibly work out? She'd have quit her job, uproot her life again, come back all the way across the world, putting her faith in you that you wouldn't break up with her again.

 

Compared to the alternative of staying where she is, with a good job, it seems extremely unlikely that she'd take that risk. Coupled with her lack of contact with you, and I think it's a healthier option to realize this one is over.

[LukyVal89]

Thanks for your reply. I agree with you. If she had any interest to reconcile she would have stayed in touch.

 

I would have been open to keep it long distance in the short term. I even had the opportunity to get a job over where she lives. I would be willing to give up my life here for her, but I didn't even feel that she would care.

 

What I don't understand is how someone can go from telling you how much you mean to them to just cutting contact in this way. She never exactly told me what she does now, she didn't tell me anything about herself since she left and most I know is from a common friend.

 

I know I need to let go, but this is so hard. It has been almost 3 months and I am still crying every day. How can I get out of this? I know there are better people out there. Why do I still feel like I want to reach out and at least have a conversation. And why is it so hard for her to do that?

[MissCanuck]

What I don't understand is how someone can go from telling you how much you mean to them to just cutting contact in this way.

 

You have to remember that the break-up likely hurt her a lot, too. It is not unusual for the dumpee to go No Contact, which you'll see if you browse through enough of these threads. She wants to move on from this. That's why she isn't talking to you. That is also why having a final conversation doesn't make much sense, since she has already made it clear that she is not interested in trying again. What more is there to rehash?

 

I am sorry, as I know you're struggling. But if you see it from her eyes, you will likely be better able to understand why letting you back into her life isn't a smart move for her. She's already back home and settled and probably doesn't want any further disruptions to her life.

 

You haven't made much progess in moving on because you're still attempting to talk to her, or at least get information about her from a friend. That needs to stop, if you truly want to progress towards healing.