Disrespectful Husband & Insulting Inlaws

[DoneWithTheBS]

My husband and I have been married less than a year and I am already wanting a divorce but I'm not sure if I am making the right decision.

Right after we were married, my husband accepted a job that required us to move to one of the "fly-over" states from the east coast. I really didn't want to move so far from my family and quit a pretty high paying job...but I did it to support my husband who really wanted this job. My husband came to this area first and found an apt that would accept a short term lease while we were looking for a house to buy. I arrive sight unseen to this apartment. It is literally in the ghetto. I bawled my eyes out when first arrived. My husbands job requires him to travel a lot and even internationally for weeks at a time. So, I am left alone scared for my life in this apartment. It was so bad that my husband even took our valuables to his brother's house for safe keeping. (Notice he leaves his wife and pets though in this crap hole apartment). I even once had a drunk guy knocking on my door with a bloody hand asking to be taken to the ER. Now, I am jobless but my husband said my number 1 job is to find a house. So I work months with a realtor looking almost everyday for houses that would meet our needs. (We can't live in a subdivision because my husband owns tractors and big trucks that would be against neighborhood restrictions...so 90% of houses were eliminated). Realtor and I worked months and months trying to find a house. Well a house comes up for sale that will work for us as far as location but is 100K more than what we wanted to spend, had radon issues, outdated and get this...had NO INTERNET ACCESS (because this is bum f**k middle America). I told my husband this house was not healthy, overpriced, and most of all I will require internet access for any job I have. My husband goes against my back and signs a purchase contract for the house! I am furious and I told him I wasn't putting dime of my money on the down payment because this was a unilateral decision on his part. He doesn't care...signs loan papers requiring PMI payments now because he doesn't have the 20% down. Otherwise, we wouldn't have had to pay PMI with my down payment money. He did add my name on the deed after I told him I would not do a dam* thing to that house because it was his house and not mine.

 

Fast forward a month later, I kind of let the whole house purchase debacle simmer down...and I focus on updating the house and getting some kind of internet. (internet is cell tower based, super expensive, had to buy boosters and it still is slower than dial-up when the towers are busy...so freaking stupid). Anyway, I use MY money to repaint the entire house myself, refinish all the cabinets, new hardware....etc...Doing ALL the work myself. For a house that I didn't want. Now, my husband was happy I was doing all this work, knew I was busy everyday with the house, and he is still traveling all the time. He says he is OK with me not working a corporate job right now. Money is fine, I have savings and I am using MY money on all the updates. His brother and sil come over to the house, make snide remakes about the house (it still needs more work) and while my husband is not in the room they both tag team me....giving each other a smart ass smirk while asking me "How's the job search going"....I told them I'm not looking for a job right now and I'm working on the house. They just give each other a smirk. I'm smart enough to know that was a put down disguised as a question. I though they were jerks and told my husband ...he acted like it was no big deal. A few weeks later my husband calls his sister who lives on the east coast for her birthday...they haven't talked for a year just because they have never been really close. All she asked about me was if I had found a job yet. Later, His mom called asked what I was doing to the house...then if I had been looking for a job. Before thanksgiving, I told my husband nobody in his family had better ask about me finding a job and I expected him to stop them from their passive aggressive put downs. Well guess what...out of nowhere....his stuck-up bil gave a sly glance over to his wife before asking "how's the job search going".....I try my best to compose myself since I am in his house. I tell him i'm not looking for a job...Im working on the house, I have plenty in savings, I'm OK.....I then told husband we are leaving and walk to truck....My husband came out to truck and says..."WHAT?" to me....I told him about his bil and I'm done with them and I'm not going back inside....husband says to me ...."well I'm going back inside....I'm not going to be rude to my family." ...I'm his family...they are the ones being rude and disrespectful to me unprovoked. On our drive home, I told my husband their behavior is unacceptable and I don't think it is right that he cares more about their feelings than mine. He is allowing his family to cause a rift in our marriage. He did nothing but stonewall me the whole time and for 2 days after the fact. His brother called him asking why we left, and husband BLAMED ME and said I just think everyone is against me.... I have had it....hate his family...and I'm ready to move back east. I have quit 2 jobs(1 of which I had for 12 years) for this man, moved to 2 different states, sold a house all so he could further his career. He treats with such disrespect and allows his family to do the same. I don't know if counselling would even work....cause I will still hate his family. Should I just divorce this man and start my career and life over. He already has a career, house, etc...he doesn't have to start over. I'm so pissed and don't know what to do. I feel like marrying him was such a mistake and has cost me so much. I just need to vent and maybe get some advice.

[ThatwasThen]

Forgive me but I think you're making too big of a deal out of them asking you something that is none of their business and if you feel THAT strongly about it why not just kindly tell them that you'd appreciate if they stopped asking you that question and the minute you start actually looking for a job, you'll let them know since they seem so interested in the subject.

 

Leave your husband if you don't love him but I see no reason why you should leave him because your in-laws are idiots. I will say that I would have probably left the minute he bought a house that didn't suit either of us and had a radon problem to boot but that's just me.

[ThatwasThen]

Adding... stop using your savings to pretty up the place because it looks like you won't be there much longer.

[DoneWithTheBS]

What makes me the most angry...is he could stopped their smart remarks a long time ago when I told him about the brother and sil ganging up on me in my own house. All he had to do is call his brother, ask if it happened, and tell them to stop. Didn't even have to tell them off. He just wont stick up for me. Also, the sil is a huge drama queen, controlling, bossy, obese, beast. She bragged about "stirring the pot" when his other brother was going though a divorce. She relishes in other people's problems and tries to create drama at any chance. She I think is the source of all this....I feel like she is telling his family something along the lines of I'm a lazy, kept wife, just using my husband and eating bon bons all day. Which is so not true...I have more money than he does and NO debt except this stupid house. I can only guess she is jealous...and wants to try an knock me down a rung....if I have to take up for myself....it will be very very harsh...he shouldn't put me in that position.

[ThatwasThen]

And all YOU had to do was to tell them to stop by yourself. You could have done it without any undo drama.

 

I'm sorry I'm not being very sympathetic but other then being on your side as far as how disrespectful to your partnership is was for him to buy a house you weren't both jiggy with, you are sounding very immature and unable to fend for yourself in a very easy to rectify situation.

 

Try to chillax and then set some boundaries with your in-laws wherein you politely nip any intrusiveness from them in the bud. Perhaps if you stop giving them all of your personal power, you'll even feel differently about your husband.