My Life and Emotional Issues

[Jackwagon]

Throughout my life I've struggled with my emotions and sense of self. When I was a young kid I was very clueless and naive when it came to social situations, and I would tend to lay everything out in the open. I didn't really know any better at the time, and my general awkwardness would often come back to bite me in the end. Little me began to become discouraged at the fact that I couldn't ever seem to do anything right in social situations (I had one really good friend who I've since lost touch with, the rest of my peers generally didn't want anything to do with me). Eventually I just gave up trying, and turned to secluding myself from everybody as a coping mechanism. I spent lots of my time alone on the internet and playing video games. School was very stressful for me, despite doing very well in my classes. Looking back I suppose I had a really bad anxiety problem.

 

Starting in 7th/8th grade is when I made the full transition from the loud and outspoken version of me from early childhood to the extremely reserved hermit version of me that still somewhat exists today. My family and I left the city we had lived in all of my life and moved to a smaller town a few hours away from it. That period of time was the most difficult in my entire life. My anxiety, fears, and worries for the future were always there, and I had never properly learned how to cope with them. I just needed a way out of all the stress. After a lot of thinking to myself and spending time on the internet, I developed a very cold, apathetic, and logical view on life. I reasoned that feeling the way I did wouldn't change anything in my life, and therefore was a waste of time. If I never felt anything or made any sort of commitment, then maybe I wouldn't ever be disappointed. I implemented this strategy in my day to day life.

 

It worked (to an extent). My feelings of anxiety practically vanished. As a consequence, however, all of my other emotions sort of just melted away with them. Life became painfully dull and boring. This change had very little affect on my social life and self esteem, at least for the time being. The little excitement I got out of life was from hiding in my room and playing games during all of my free time. Things would mostly stay this way until my freshman year in high school started.

 

Upon the start of freshman year I actually felt comfortable enough to talk with some of my peers (only took like two years to do it). My disposition reflected my general emotional state: dull and monotone. I was, and still am not, comfortable with sharing how I felt with any of them, but at least I was socializing with people for once. My major appeal was that I apparently have a pretty good sense of humor (spending over have of your life on the internet can do that to you). Freshman year was also the first year I joined my school's performing arts class. For the first time in my life I was actually popular among my classmates.

 

The school performing arts class is honestly one of the best things to ever happen to me. Everyone else in the class was so outgoing and friendly, it made it easy for someone like me to feel welcome. I honestly am not even that into theater, but my classmates made it worthwhile. To put on shows would require a lot of time and effort, which meant that I got to spend a lot of time with them. I had the time of my life. Sophomore year was even better. I had friends in every class, my peers enjoyed my company, and I got to meet a person who would become one of my closest, if not the closest friend I've ever had.

 

I'm now about half way through my junior year now, and this is still the case, but I still fight with my emotions. I still can't properly express my feelings to people, even the ones that are close to me. My overall lack of social skills and experience have left me crippled when it comes to any sort of relationship, romantic or not. I've never had a girlfriend, never left the state I live in (save for like 1 week when I was super young), I've never even stayed the night at a friend's house before. I have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to close and personal relationships, and it sucks. It bothers me that any time I should give an emotional response to something I can't do it. It worries me that loved ones may not even be able to tell I care about them and appreciate them because I'm so detached. It scares me that once I graduate high school all of the peers I know now may drift away, and I'll be alone again. I have my doubts that I'll ever be presented with circumstances such as these ever again.

 

If you have any advice for me, feel free to leave it here. I wasn't too concerned with what people on this forum were going to think about this, I really just wanted to vent a little. I would vent to someone in real life, but no one wants a life story dumped on them out of no where, and I don't want to seem like I'm begging for attention. I can justify posting it here because I'll most likely never meet anyone who reads this.

 

Thanks you

[dundermiflin]

Hey, your anxiety sounds similar to mine. I wish I had found something like drama to cope in high school.

 

You are very young still. I didn't have a boyfriend until my senior year in high school. You're at least very aware of your mentality and issues. You can work on things. You already found a way to socialize with friends.

 

How do you get close to someone; talk to them and spend a lot of time with them. Let them see if you are hurting, and if they ask, tell them about it. Do the same thing for them. Pay attention to them. Remember things they said and notice changes in them.

 

Try books and online articles about making genuine connections. Just keep at it! It won't be easy but who cares.

[catfeeder]

So glad to hear that you are progressing today, and I can appreciate the insecurities about growing beyond the place you've found some comfort. Your problem sounds more common than you may believe, because everyone shows their best face in public while hiding their own insecurities. This means that there are very few people navigating their school years without feeling like a bit of a fraud to whatever degree. This doesn't make you a freak despite feeling like one--you're in good company.

 

Consider that your school provides mental health counselling services paid for by your folks' taxes. Stop in to see your school nurse and ask her or him the name of your school counselor(s) and how to make an appointment. You don't need to be in a crisis to obtain counseling, you can simply explain that you're in an uncomfortable state and could using some help with learning how to navigate socially.

 

Head high, and congrats on the steps you've taken to expand your social scope. You are brave and smart.