Broken Up, Strange situation...confused and don’t know what to do

[Confused520]

I broke up with my boyfriend of 7 months 2 weeks ago. I’m in a weird situation and am really confused. Hoping to get some advice and comments from different perspectives as I am lost.

 

I am kind of more masculine than feminine. I don’t show much emotion and am very independent. I have some commitment issues. My last relationship, I was well taken care of and became dependent. When it didn’t work out, I had a very hard time getting back on my feet on my own. So I decided to never put myself in that situation again and kind of took the independent thing to the extreme. In this relationship, he was always the one contacting me, texting first, asking to hang out, etc. He did mention early on that it kind of bothered him. But I just explained that I don’t normally contact people unless I need something. I don’t text just to chat and if friends want to hang out or whatever, I just wait for them to contact me as I am fine being by myself. (I REALIZE NOW HOW RIDICULOUS THIS IS, But that is what I did...with friends, family, him.)

 

I was/am going through a rough time in my life. I lost something very special to me a couple months ago. For someone that does not normally deal with emotions, all these feelings were overwhelming. I never communicated how I was feeling and would fake being happy. But then it came to a point where I couldn’t hide it anymore. I would go through a roller coaster of emotions on the daily. He was there for me and supportive but I was getting depressed and negative.

 

It came to the point where I felt I was negatively effecting his life. Who wants to be with someone who is so moody. Happy one second, sad the next. I felt crazy. I knew I was acting crazy.

 

Within a 2 week span, I tried to break up with him multiple times. He talked me out of it the first couple times and then he just accepted it. He also had told me he loved me a couple days before the final break up, but I didn’t say it back. I feel the love and do love him, but in that current state of mind, I didn’t feel like I could tell him I loved him too.

 

I had a few days to myself and did some research on Grief. During this time, I had a really life changing moment. I understood my feelings, I dealt with them face on and was honest with myself. I learned a lot.

 

After dealing with my internal issues and getting some clarity, I also realized what a huge mistake I made. I felt instant regret and still do. I took him for granted.

 

I reached out and he agreed to meet to talk about a week later. This is where I am confused. I apologized for what I did. I told him that I realized I took him for granted and that I was sorry that it took hurting and losing him to realize it. I told him that I need to work on communicating better and that I do see what areas I need to work on and am trying to be more open and honest with myself. I wanted a chance to really try and make this work as he means a lot to me. I realized what he wanted and needed from me and wanted the opportunity to try and give him that.

 

His response to it all was that he is open to the idea of getting back together. But, he needs time and space. But that he wanted me to reach out to him whenever. And that we can still hang out and he still wants to be a part of my life. He wants me to text him and feel comfortable being myself with him. He wants to hang out and see where it goes from there. But at that moment, he felt that I am doing things on my terms and he wants to do things on his terms. He doesn’t want to be rushed. He said that maybe he also needs time to miss me or let the last imprint fade a bit. Or that maybe he needs to see my effort and patience to be certain.

 

So this is where I am confused...everywhere I look it says NO CONTACT. But in my case...I was no contact when I was IN the relationship and the change and effort I think he wants to see is for me to contact him first, since I wasn’t before. But he also says he needs time and space. So I’m not exactly sure how much contact he wants or what I should do.

 

He has not reached out to make contact. So I did text a couple times and he seemed a little cold. Not as engaged and the conversation didn’t carry on very long. I haven’t asked to hang out yet as I don’t really know if that is appropriate right now. I know I let my ego and pride get in the way of our relationship before and that is something I’m working on. But now, I’m lost. Is he punishing me? Is his ego and pride now clouding his thoughts because I hurt him? I don’t want to be too pushy and not give him the time and space he needs, but I also don’t want to come off as not trying or putting in effort due to lack of me reaching out to him. He says he’s open to getting back together, but when I do reach out, it doesn’t seem like he wants to talk to me. Should I just give him time and space for a couple weeks and wait for him to reach out to me (even though I know he wants me to reach out to him) Or should I continue to reach out even though it doesn’t seem like he wants to talk? How do I find that balance?

 

Thanks in advance for any advice/insight!

[DanZee]

OK. First of all, from what you describe you sound like you may be developing a bipolar personality. People who are bipolar can seem like they're on an emotional roller coaster. They have periods where they're intensely happy or sad. Periods where they don't feel anything and periods when they feel everything. You describe similar times in your life. You may want to seek counselling or see a doctor about this.

 

As for your boyfriend, you missed how NC is used. You go NC when you realize the relationship is over and you're only hurting each other with booty calls and so forth. You use NC when you've broken up for good or when you need complete radio silence to evaluate your relationship.

 

I think your boyfriend feels burnt out by you. He can't take the emotional roller coaster so he's stepped off. By waiting for him to text you, you've come off as unfeeling and uncaring. You've set the pattern, and now when you're trying to contact him he thinks you just need something from him or you're desperate. You can say you're going to change, but most people can't. Change takes a lot of time. Until you figure out whether you are bipolar or not, you might want to leave him alone and not bother him.