My insecurities are ruining my life, especially my marriage

[Marshmellow12]

I had a very rough/abusive childhood and consequently haven't had a relationship with my mother and adopted father in 8 years. I met the love of my life 6 years ago. We dated for 4 years, were engaged for 1 year, and have now been married for 1 year. I go through periods of being so insecure that it almost ruins my marriage. I'm still crazily jealous of my husbands ex girlfriend who is married with a baby. She is perfect in every way and comes from a perfect family. I stalk her on facebook and instagram daily from fake accounts. I constantly have thoughts such as "I'm not pretty enough for him, I'm too fat for him, I don't make enough money for him, my personality isn't good enough, why would he want to be with someone who basically doesn't have a family?"

I have tried therapy and it didn't solve anything. Does anyone have advice other than to go to counseling? I am scared I am going to ruin my marriage.

[ClumsyGuy]

Hello MarshMellow! I completely do understand the place where you come from. It's all due to the your rough childhood experiences. Now, honestly, I'm not at all qualified as a therapist or even someone who is good at giving an advice. All I can do is listen to your problems and help you boost your self esteem. After all deep down even you know that the real cause is your own self esteem and self image, isn't it?

 

You say that you often stalk his ex gf on Facebook and you feel that you ain't pretty enough for him. Let's examine the facts, shall we? You both dated each other for a fairly long time before agreeing to marry each other. That means that he already knows all your flaws and irrespective of that he decided to marry you and spend rest of his life with you. From a third person's perspective, it's easy to deduce that he's completely in love with you. It doesn't bother him whether you are fat, or you don't make enough money for him, or whether you have a family or not. He adores you in spite of all your shortcomings as an individual as well as a partner. Why's that? That's because you definitely have far greater positive qualities that you don't see in yourself but he could see them. He was not forced to marry you. He married you out of his own free will because he thinks you're awesome just the way you are, don't you think?

 

I understand that you fear your marriage might end because of your worries and the hard truth is, it may happen because people in general don't like to be associated with the ones who are always a mess. So, why to let all your fears come in the way and stop you from giving all the love and happiness that you both deserve? Work on your self esteem because you are lovely just the way you are. There's nothing wrong with you, all your insecurities are due to your childhood experiences - you just need to realize that with time. Remember, you attract what you fear but what you look at, disappears.

 

Try reading the book "6 pillars of self esteem" by Nathaniel Branden. I've heard it's a great book. If you have any questions, feel free to ask! Good luck!

[Marshmellow12]

ClumsyGuy,

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I have a lot of work to do on myself. It’s not even just in my marriage, it’s in other areas too. My low self esteem is effecting my career and I think it’s part of the reason why I don’t have any friends either. It’s almost like I feel like I’m not worthy of being loved/liked by other people. I enjoy being alone way more than I should. The happiest times for me are when I am home alone. I’m beginning to fear that this will be my life forever.

[Marshmellow12]

I also want to add for anyone who is reading this, I am not jealous of my husband’s ex in a way that I fear he will leave me for her. She is married and happy. My fear is more like a “how could he possibly love me more than he loved her, she’s perfect and beats me in every category?” Especially the fact that she comes from an amazing family and has great parents. I literally have nobody except for grandparents and aunts that live 3 hours away and I see once a year. She is also the opposite of me in looks. And she majored in the same thing my husband did, which is agriculture. And we have a farm that I have zero interest in. Her and my husband had everything in common and me and him have nothing in common. I wish I could stop these thoughts but I can’t.

[Butterflyxx]

Hi, I have the exact same problem with you about the ex. my boyfriend had a girlfriend few years ago who is the complete opposite of me, her family is rich, she goes to a great school, she has a better figure than me, and a better personality because i’m very insecure whereas she’s confident. i’ve seen her in person a few times just passing and omg she is so intimidating because i’m the opposite of her.

i too have a fake account and stalk her, and her school has a twitter page and daily posts pictures of what cool activities they do, and i just wonder why the heck my bf would have chosen me?!?

i try to take what i like about her to improve myself, for example i’m envious of the fact she does well in school, so i’m determined to get better grades, and i want to be more lighthearted etc just like she is (to improve myself).

 

i just hope you know that you are not alone.