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No friends or family


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Im feeling really down and out right now. Its the holiday season. (Christmas time has always been my favorite time of the year) it's supposed to be the time when family, friends and loved ones come together to be thankful for each other. But i really dont have that and im feeling kind of alone right now. I do have 2 kids and a wonderful fiance' who is my best friend but thats pretty much it for my friends and family. I have no one else. Dont get me wrong im extremely grateful for that because i know there are people with less but i just wish i had more family. I cried watching "Home Alone" today, ( im really not that kind of person) when it got to the part where he asks Santa to just bring his family home, i cried like a baby. Im just feeling really sad in general. And i wish i had someone i could talk to. other than my fiancè, i have no other friends. And it would be nice to have a girls night or something like that. But i dont have that.


You see, over the past 7-8 years I have slowly dropped every friend Ive ever had from my life, For one reason or another. Good reasons in my opinion that I still stand by today. For example... One because she tried to sleep with my kids father if he would pay her bills. (Also why i dropped him, along with other reasons).. One because she stole from me. One because she was fake in general, talked about me behind my back, put me down and make me feel like every chance she got. And so on and so forth. Everyone of them gone one by one. Im the kind of person that if i decide to cut someone out of my life its because they forced the scissors upon me. Now i have a really hard time making new friends because i dont trust anyone and i think everybody is blurry.


I do have a big family but nobody's close. Never have been. They are scattered all over the states and most of them dont talk to each other. Everyone just lives seperate lives. The family that is close by i dont want anything to do with. My mom cut them out of our lives when i was 11 years and when i turned 23 i tried to undo that only to find out the NUMEROUS reasons why. I have my mom but i had to put her in a nursing home last month because i couldnt take care of her. (Even though i know i made the right decision because shes getting alot better and getting the care she needs it still makes me feel like a complete failure).. I have 2 brothers.. 1 is in the military and is stationed far away. He has a baby on the way so im going to be an aunt but where hes so far away im afraid of how little im going to be apart of the little ones life. His life is somewhere else along with the other family members scattered everywhere. Plus me and my brother are argueing right now. My other brother is here and we're close but hes making some bad decisions and the big sister in me tries to guide him. He gets sick of me "lecturing him" now hes distant and it seems like everything else is taking a priority over what little family we've got left. Hes already stated he wont be here for thanksgiving because he made other plans so it will be just me the kids and my fiancè at thanksgiving. And I have to work Christmas so thats gonna suck..


Also im in the middle of trying to plan for the wedding but i cant bring myself to start on invitations because the thought of having no one to send them to is too depressing for me to handle.

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