6 Mo. Update, Advice, and Encouragement

[valavoo]

*Note: WOW I DIDN'T KNOW THIS WOULD BE SO LONG, HAHA. Welp! It's long. Sorry! If you don't feel like reading the whole thing just pick a section and go for it. However, the basic gist of my post is two things

1. You can want your ex back and also move forward/live your life

2. Repeat number 1

 

 

Hello Hello!

 

It is I, Valavoo. First I just want to apologize and say that I'm sorry, this isn't a success story thread ;o;. If that's what you're looking for there's a giant thread for that being updated semi-regularly on here!

 

FIRST, SOME FACTS:

 

- No, I'm not back with my ex at this time

- Yes, I 100% still want him back and am still in love with him

- Yes, I do still believe that it will happen. There is doubt in there but I think we can never be 100% sure of anything, as chance is literally always a factor in both a negative and positive sense.

 

But guess what? I'm also fine. I'm okay. I'm pretty happy. I would just like to explain to you my thought process at this point, in hopes that it can provide encouragement to those of you going through pain. While this is more directed at people who vehemently want their ex back, I think that it could also be helpful to those who are just getting out of a relationship. I'll try to divide it into sections so that it's more clear.

 

WHAT TO DO WHILE NOT WITH YOUR EX

If you prefer, what to do 'in the meantime'

 

When people say to focus on yourself during time apart from a lover, that is 100% what you should do. I think that you might feel like you're betraying your ex by doing fun things without them, but you're not! Honestly do things that make you happy because you matter, too. Do things that you can get lost in in terms of enjoyment. For me, that's certain types of TV shows and reading, along with focusing on graduate school. If you feel like picking up a new hobby, do it! If you want to continue the same things you've been doing...do it! Just as long as it brings you enjoyment in some form and is not destructive to your mental or physical health.

 

In my opinion, you don't necessarily have to date or get into another relationship while apart from an ex. I have absolutely no desire to do so and I think that I can have a fulfilling life without that aspect. You can, too. I'm sure there are people who would say this is me 'holding out for my ex', and if that's what it is then so be it, but I think the most important thing to look at is the fact that I am pretty dang happy. There are other ways to learn about yourself as a person and about relationships than jumping into a new one. In addition, I think that even if you've sworn off dating (EVEN IF it's because of your ex), fate has a way of throwing the right person into your lap anyway.

 

If you DO want to date, however, do it! Just be sure you're honest with the person you're dating about your feelings. If you aren't ready to commit to someone new, don't. You definitely want to avoid hurting someone else.

 

Dealing with not being in contact is another important thing. If you don't want to forget about your ex, then you need some personal strategies to help you deal with not being able to tell them about that terrible day at work or that funny video you saw. My strategy is to literally say to myself "I'll tell him later." Because the fact of the matter is, even though you may be feeling like you're missing out on milestones and quality time...you totally can make up for that at a later date. You'd certainly tell a new partner stories about the past (I would) so you can tell an "old" one as well. Plus, it's better to have things to talk about than to tell your ex all you did was sit around staring at a wall waiting for them to text you.

 

ON 'MOVING ON'

My literal least favorite term ever.

 

When people come on here looking for advice on how to get back with an ex (or anywhere for that matter), they're often given a black and white picture that consists of two options. Option 1 is 'make a move', and option 2 is 'move on'. The scale is tilted far in favor of Option 2, simply because there's not a lot you can do unless you were the one doing the dumping (which is where Option 1 comes in more often).

 

I've always preferred the term 'move forward'. To me personally, moving on means you essentially forget about your ex and give up hope AND desire of ever having them back. Some would say that's the best way to go, but I don't think that feelings can be turned off so easily (or even with months of concentrated effort). Moving forward is the notion that you can be okay without your ex but you would not be opposed to the idea of having them back in your life romantically (or, like me, still very much want them in your life).

 

The advice that has always confused me is 'give up hope for the best chance at getting your ex back'. It's always read as a thinly veiled trick to me, one that intends to get the person to move on and then not want said ex anymore. I personally think that unless you fall out of love with them or realize that they really truly weren't right for you (and maybe even sometimes in this case) you will have a part of you that wants them back. It may be a part the size of a speck, but it is a part. Otherwise so many people wouldn't let a past lover back into their heart.

 

Lastly, I want to debunk the notion that hope = / = healing. First of all, giving up hope like a light switch is not easy for everyone. Second, I am living proof that you can indeed heal from the pain itself while still having pretty significant amounts of hope. It is important to note that refusing to give up is a conscious choice, as is giving up. You just have to be at peace with the here and now, though that's not easy either! If you think that 'moving on' is the best option for your healing then you should totally do that, though I'm not sure why you'd be on the GBT forum if that was the case! Oh, I do want to say that I think SOMETIMES having hope CAN delay your healing. But again, if you can handle it, then go.

 

IF YOU FEEL FAR AWAY FROM YOUR EX

 

Might be because you are right now! I was talking with a friend and we came up with two different metaphors. Mine equated feelings with food that you've put in the fridge. Right now, they're in an airtight container and kinda cold, so they may feel duller at times and they may not smell quite as fragrant. However, it's totally possible to take the food out of the fridge and heat it back up again in a new relationship. My friend's metaphor places you and your ex on a spherical plain. You walk away from each other when you breakup, and it seems like your paths will not cross again. However, you don't know if the path away from your ex is also the path back to them.

 

Just food for thought.

 

 

HOW I GOT TO THIS PLACE

Or, why I'm okay with sometimes not being okay.

 

Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I have trouble believing and sometimes I miss him more than normal. He is indeed always in the back of my mind. However, what I've learned is that the way to get through something like this is to make decisions for yourself regardless. Do not decide to put off your planned trip to Europe just because you think your ex might call. If you want to believe, BELIEVE, and BELIEVE that things will work out regardless of what you do with yourself in the meantime.

 

The first thing I did (and what I'm still doing) is evaluate whether the relationship was actually good or whether I'm pining for something that never really worked. Once I decided that it did work, I took a look at whether I wanted A RELATIONSHIP or if I really wanted HIM. I decided 'him', and then looked at why, with all his faults and good parts and the fact that he did indeed break my heart. If you're going to go the path of keeping them in your heart, you had best be sure it's for a good reason.

 

Then do some self reflection. I do not subscribe to the idea that breakups are always the dumpees fault and that the dumpee needs to completely reinvent themselves to get their ex back. I think a lot of breakups take two people and a lot of them happen because of circumstance and/or bad communication. Even when there are issues compatibility, I believe that sometimes external factors and temporary changes lead to this lack of compatibility and can absolutely change around again. We as humans are constantly looking to improve, so if you want to work on yourself in terms of relationships then you totally can. If you feel there was something you could have done better in the relationship, then work on that and/or put it in your back pocket for when you are in that next relationship (fingers crossed with your ex for some of you, I know!).

 

Realize that you can indeed be happy without your ex but you don't have to be. Note that "happy without ex" does not mean "reject idea of ex completely." It's just remembering you are an individual human that can do things to make themselves happy. I think that it's okay to have external things that make you happy and of COURSE you're gonna depend on the one you're dating. Asking for indifference toward someone you love and calling anything else "too much" strikes me as odd. However, you did not do everything with your ex when you were together (I hope) and you don't need to do it now. I really love Pot Pies, and I'm pretty sure my ex isn't a pot pie. That's a ridiculous example but it does illustrate that there have and always will be things aside from a relationship that make you happy. Latch onto those!

 

RANDOM OTHER THOUGHTS

Things I couldn't really fit into other sections.

 

--All advice from strangers, including me, should be taken with a grain of salt. Only you truly know your ex and yourself, and the advice given on here can only have so much perspective.

 

--Blanket statements like "men do this" and "women do this" are blatantly false. Even if we see a situation similar to ours, it does not mean that our story is going to end the same way. Every human is different. There are a million factors that lead to breakups and 'fixing things' (I hate the term reconciliation at this point, hah). Humans are complicated as heck and so are relationships.

 

--I think you have to be prepared for something that is not easy if you really want to fix things. My ideal situation would of course be that 'I miss you' text, but even if that happened it would be a long road to repair the trust, rebuild the love, and fix the previous issues of the relationship. You, like me, should be prepared for tough conversations. However if you do get to the point of 'fixing things', know that those tough conversations are going to help in the long run.

 

--False hope doesn't exist. Hope is the absence of truth or lies, therefore it can't be true or false. It's something you believe in that requires no evidence, just like faith. That's like saying people believing in God is false faith because we don't actually know if God exists or not. I think hope is just the belief that something good COULD happen to you.

 

--Love yourself! Seriously! You're cool and I believe in you!

 

 

Note: Literally all of this is my opinion, and I'm aware of this. Much love to you all. I wasn't able to include all of my thoughts in here, but I hopefully

[Ganamede]

ote: WOW I DIDN'T KNOW THIS WOULD BE SO LONG, HAHA. Welp! It's long. Sorry! If you don't feel like reading the whole thing just pick a section and go for it. However, the basic gist of my post is two things

1. You can want your ex back and also move forward/live your life

2. Repeat number 1

 

 

Hello Hello!

 

It is I, Valavoo. First I just want to apologize and say that I'm sorry, this isn't a success story thread ;o;. If that's what you're looking for there's a giant thread for that being updated semi-regularly on here!

 

FIRST, SOME FACTS:

 

- No, I'm not back with my ex at this time

- Yes, I 100% still want him back and am still in love with him

- Yes, I do still believe that it will happen. There is doubt in there but I think we can never be 100% sure of anything, as chance is literally always a factor in both a negative and positive sense.

 

But guess what? I'm also fine. I'm okay. I'm pretty happy. I would just like to explain to you my thought process at this point, in hopes that it can provide encouragement to those of you going through pain. While this is more directed at people who vehemently want their ex back, I think that it could also be helpful to those who are just getting out of a relationship. I'll try to divide it into sections so that it's more clear.

 

WHAT TO DO WHILE NOT WITH YOUR EX

If you prefer, what to do 'in the meantime'

 

When people say to focus on yourself during time apart from a lover, that is 100% what you should do. I think that you might feel like you're betraying your ex by doing fun things without them, but you're not! Honestly do things that make you happy because you matter, too. Do things that you can get lost in in terms of enjoyment. For me, that's certain types of TV shows and reading, along with focusing on graduate school. If you feel like picking up a new hobby, do it! If you want to continue the same things you've been doing...do it! Just as long as it brings you enjoyment in some form and is not destructive to your mental or physical health.

 

In my opinion, you don't necessarily have to date or get into another relationship while apart from an ex. I have absolutely no desire to do so and I think that I can have a fulfilling life without that aspect. You can, too. I'm sure there are people who would say this is me 'holding out for my ex', and if that's what it is then so be it, but I think the most important thing to look at is the fact that I am pretty dang happy. There are other ways to learn about yourself as a person and about relationships than jumping into a new one. In addition, I think that even if you've sworn off dating (EVEN IF it's because of your ex), fate has a way of throwing the right person into your lap anyway.

 

If you DO want to date, however, do it! Just be sure you're honest with the person you're dating about your feelings. If you aren't ready to commit to someone new, don't. You definitely want to avoid hurting someone else.

 

Dealing with not being in contact is another important thing. If you don't want to forget about your ex, then you need some personal strategies to help you deal with not being able to tell them about that terrible day at work or that funny video you saw. My strategy is to literally say to myself "I'll tell him later." Because the fact of the matter is, even though you may be feeling like you're missing out on milestones and quality time...you totally can make up for that at a later date. You'd certainly tell a new partner stories about the past (I would) so you can tell an "old" one as well. Plus, it's better to have things to talk about than to tell your ex all you did was sit around staring at a wall waiting for them to text you.

 

ON 'MOVING ON'

My literal least favorite term ever.

 

When people come on here looking for advice on how to get back with an ex (or anywhere for that matter), they're often given a black and white picture that consists of two options. Option 1 is 'make a move', and option 2 is 'move on'. The scale is tilted far in favor of Option 2, simply because there's not a lot you can do unless you were the one doing the dumping (which is where Option 1 comes in more often).

 

I've always preferred the term 'move forward'. To me personally, moving on means you essentially forget about your ex and give up hope AND desire of ever having them back. Some would say that's the best way to go, but I don't think that feelings can be turned off so easily (or even with months of concentrated effort). Moving forward is the notion that you can be okay without your ex but you would not be opposed to the idea of having them back in your life romantically (or, like me, still very much want them in your life).

 

The advice that has always confused me is 'give up hope for the best chance at getting your ex back'. It's always read as a thinly veiled trick to me, one that intends to get the person to move on and then not want said ex anymore. I personally think that unless you fall out of love with them or realize that they really truly weren't right for you (and maybe even sometimes in this case) you will have a part of you that wants them back. It may be a part the size of a speck, but it is a part. Otherwise so many people wouldn't let a past lover back into their heart.

 

Lastly, I want to debunk the notion that hope = / = healing. First of all, giving up hope like a light switch is not easy for everyone. Second, I am living proof that you can indeed heal from the pain itself while still having pretty significant amounts of hope. It is important to note that refusing to give up is a conscious choice, as is giving up. You just have to be at peace with the here and now, though that's not easy either! If you think that 'moving on' is the best option for your healing then you should totally do that, though I'm not sure why you'd be on the GBT forum if that was the case! Oh, I do want to say that I think SOMETIMES having hope CAN delay your healing. But again, if you can handle it, then go.

 

IF YOU FEEL FAR AWAY FROM YOUR EX

 

Might be because you are right now! I was talking with a friend and we came up with two different metaphors. Mine equated feelings with food that you've put in the fridge. Right now, they're in an airtight container and kinda cold, so they may feel duller at times and they may not smell quite as fragrant. However, it's totally possible to take the food out of the fridge and heat it back up again in a new relationship. My friend's metaphor places you and your ex on a spherical plain. You walk away from each other when you breakup, and it seems like your paths will not cross again. However, you don't know if the path away from your ex is also the path back to them.

 

Just food for thought.

 

 

HOW I GOT TO THIS PLACE

Or, why I'm okay with sometimes not being okay.

 

Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I have trouble believing and sometimes I miss him more than normal. He is indeed always in the back of my mind. However, what I've learned is that the way to get through something like this is to make decisions for yourself regardless. Do not decide to put off your planned trip to Europe just because you think your ex might call. If you want to believe, BELIEVE, and BELIEVE that things will work out regardless of what you do with yourself in the meantime.

 

The first thing I did (and what I'm still doing) is evaluate whether the relationship was actually good or whether I'm pining for something that never really worked. Once I decided that it did work, I took a look at whether I wanted A RELATIONSHIP or if I really wanted HIM. I decided 'him', and then looked at why, with all his faults and good parts and the fact that he did indeed break my heart. If you're going to go the path of keeping them in your heart, you had best be sure it's for a good reason.

 

Then do some self reflection. I do not subscribe to the idea that breakups are always the dumpees fault and that the dumpee needs to completely reinvent themselves to get their ex back. I think a lot of breakups take two people and a lot of them happen because of circumstance and/or bad communication. Even when there are issues compatibility, I believe that sometimes external factors and temporary changes lead to this lack of compatibility and can absolutely change around again. We as humans are constantly looking to improve, so if you want to work on yourself in terms of relationships then you totally can. If you feel there was something you could have done better in the relationship, then work on that and/or put it in your back pocket for when you are in that next relationship (fingers crossed with your ex for some of you, I know!).

 

Realize that you can indeed be happy without your ex but you don't have to be. Note that "happy without ex" does not mean "reject idea of ex completely." It's just remembering you are an individual human that can do things to make themselves happy. I think that it's okay to have external things that make you happy and of COURSE you're gonna depend on the one you're dating. Asking for indifference toward someone you love and calling anything else "too much" strikes me as odd. However, you did not do everything with your ex when you were together (I hope) and you don't need to do it now. I really love Pot Pies, and I'm pretty sure my ex isn't a pot pie. That's a ridiculous example but it does illustrate that there have and always will be things aside from a relationship that make you happy. Latch onto those!

 

 

--False hope doesn't exist. Hope is the absence of truth or lies, therefore it can't be true or false. It's something you believe in that requires no evidence, just like faith.

 

Very nicely written post. I still struggle with the hope/ no hope paradox some 9 months later. I was told to my face during a 3 minute conversation that I was not to have any false hope ! It still bugs me having been told that after 7 years loving relationship that was in my opinion salvageable.

Anyways great post!!! You seem well on your way to precious peace of mind !

[valavoo]

Very nicely written post. I still struggle with the hope/ no hope paradox some 9 months later. I was told to my face during a 3 minute conversation that I was not to have any false hope ! It still bugs me having been told that after 7 years loving relationship that was in my opinion salvageable.

Anyways great post!!! You seem well on your way to precious peace of mind !

 

Aw I'm glad that you enjoyed my post. ;o; thank you for giving it a read. I am certainly on my way to peace of mind. It's still definitely rough sometimes but I'm fine. I just wanted to make a post that shows that healing can happen even if you still hope/believe in "reconciliation." In fact, some of the process of eventually being together again is to get to a point of peace of mind, at least that's what I think...

 

 

I hope you're doing okay though!

[Ganamede]

I have always held and believed in hope... at the core of my being.

I mean, what else do we have to get out of bed in the morning.

 

Your post was heart-warming because I absolutely felt your sense underlying hope.

Good things are surely ahead as for you.... as for us all here.

 

I really liked the metaphor about "walking along a spherical plane" congrats to your friend whoever came up with that one... It will remain with me I'm sure... brilliant !

 

In the end, I find it just seems so ridiculous that somebody else, under any circumstance, would try to dictate to you your absence or presence of hope.

 

Aaaaaaargh !!!!!!! ( it makes my blood boil)

This subject is at the root of every post on this site and I thank you again for the reminder that came from reading your entire post... it was well worth it !!!

[valavoo]

Are YOU doing okay? I don’t know your situation but I hope you’re doing alright.

[valavoo]

Another small piece of advice: I think that authenticity is important. "Acting happy" or "aloof" with someone you care about if you are not actually happy or don't feel the need to be aloof is not cool. Honesty is perfectly fine. It's not as black and white as acting like you don't care OR begging for them back. You can be in the middle. There IS a grey area.

[Ganamede]

On a low days I still struggle with the dreaded sameness of everyday life as a single person. Being blindsided takes me around 18 months or so to recover from...( Been through it once before. ) Only time and no contact does the trick. So I guess it's 9 months to go and I'll return into my own skin and find that elusive peace of mind.

 

Thanks for your concern Voo... And again for your long but heart warming post ! It was inspiring ! I think I'll give it another read !!!

[Minnie369]

Hi! I have hope everyday but its weighing on my mind and affecting my ability to study yet it doesn't seem to affect my ex at all. Recently, my 21st birthday passed and he knows it was really important to me yet he did not wish me happy birthday. It has been 2 months since he broke up with me and I really don't know what to do. Exams are in 2 weeks and during the 2.5 months of BU, we had LC mostly I initiated and he told me all the reasons for his decision. It seemed that he was really firm on it though he said nothing is impossible in the future and I vowed to change cause I was neglecting him (studies) and I did not know that being in love and being in a relationship was two different things. I feel like I need to compromise more and build on emotional connection than physical and fun times. I had to mature and grow which I feel like Im making positive changes but my ex said he did not want to stick around to see me change if it hurt him even more. The main issue is trust cause one year ago I liked someone else and almost broke up with my ex and he found out but we worked through it and I chose him everyday. It seemed that since that incident he became to detach himself from me even though he forgave me and know that I have been accommodating him. It was one of the issue why we broke up because he said he hasn't healed from it and during the one year after that he felt we were incompatible because of fights which I thought was normal because relationships have kinks to be worked out and I have been with him for 2 years. I'm not sure what to do we broke up with love but overtime I contact him, he seems so cold and told me to move on and that he's moving on. I don't really know how to hold on to hope anymore and I want to fight for him but I don't think now is the right time, most likely after exams but I can't concentrate. How do you handle grad school and your feelings? We both go to the same school and the same year. Thank you and your story and posts are a real inspiration to me. I really look up to you

[valavoo]

Hi! I have hope everyday but its weighing on my mind and affecting my ability to study yet it doesn't seem to affect my ex at all. Recently, my 21st birthday passed and he knows it was really important to me yet he did not wish me happy birthday. It has been 2 months since he broke up with me and I really don't know what to do. Exams are in 2 weeks and during the 2.5 months of BU, we had LC mostly I initiated and he told me all the reasons for his decision. It seemed that he was really firm on it though he said nothing is impossible in the future and I vowed to change cause I was neglecting him (studies) and I did not know that being in love and being in a relationship was two different things. I feel like I need to compromise more and build on emotional connection than physical and fun times. I had to mature and grow which I feel like Im making positive changes but my ex said he did not want to stick around to see me change if it hurt him even more. The main issue is trust cause one year ago I liked someone else and almost broke up with my ex and he found out but we worked through it and I chose him everyday. It seemed that since that incident he became to detach himself from me even though he forgave me and know that I have been accommodating him. It was one of the issue why we broke up because he said he hasn't healed from it and during the one year after that he felt we were incompatible because of fights which I thought was normal because relationships have kinks to be worked out and I have been with him for 2 years. I'm not sure what to do we broke up with love but overtime I contact him, he seems so cold and told me to move on and that he's moving on. I don't really know how to hold on to hope anymore and I want to fight for him but I don't think now is the right time, most likely after exams but I can't concentrate. How do you handle grad school and your feelings? We both go to the same school and the same year. Thank you and your story and posts are a real inspiration to me. I really look up to you

 

How do I handle graduate school and my feelings? Hmmm. Well, I think it all goes back to focusing on yourself. At any given point in time, humans are not 100% without burden. If it weren't my ex, it may be something else that's bothering me. So accept the duality of life - part of it will be happy and part of it will not be. I think what helps me the most is hyper-focusing on the little things that make me happy, like my favorite TV shows, smiling at people on the street, eating food that I like...that kind of thing! And I'm really truly enjoying graduate school so there's that, too.

 

I'm a little lucky there because we do not attend the same school nor are we in the same year. I would rather not give exact ages/locations juuuust on the off chance he ever finds these posts, though I've taken every precaution to keep my identity ambiguous.

 

Anyway, the fact of the matter is that people come back from the nastiest of breakups and sometimes they don't come back when the breakup was amicable. So everything is up in the air.

 

What I WOULD say is that you might not yet be giving the relationship enough space. If you keep contacting him and he seems cold, then that's only hurting both of you. It's really hard for both of you to get perspective if you keep talking to him and asking for him to come back and insisting you've changed, you know? After you've given it a lot of thought, think abut what it is you really truly want.

[Batya33]

I don't agree in focusing on "yourself" if that means you're not being other-directed -either in friendships, social activities or volunteer work. And a side benefit is that, to me, you gain far more self-knowledge and insights by not being focused on yourself.

[valavoo]

I don't agree in focusing on "yourself" if that means you're not being other-directed -either in friendships, social activities or volunteer work. And a side benefit is that, to me, you gain far more self-knowledge and insights by not being focused on yourself.

 

By 'focus on yourself' I mean more 'take the focus/your energy off of your ex'. Deal with the things going on in your life, which would also mean being present and participating in life where you are.

 

I would also say that self reflection is important, though, and sometimes humans don't have the emotional bandwidth to come outside of ourselves. So long as it doesn't happen CONSTANTLY, it's okay to sometimes not be okay.

[Batya33]

By 'focus on yourself' I mean more 'take the focus/your energy off of your ex'. Deal with the things going on in your life, which would also mean being present and participating in life where you are.

 

I would also say that self reflection is important, though, and sometimes humans don't have the emotional bandwidth to come outside of ourselves. So long as it doesn't happen CONSTANTLY, it's okay to sometimes not be okay.

 

I think self-reflection is important especially if it's done in the context of mindfulness/yoga/exercise but I think a lot more is to be gained on that front through being other-centered. I also take issue with the dichotomy of "focus on yourself to take the focus off your ex" because I think it's so important to have a varied enough life so that it's not a choice about being focused on one or the other. Certainly our relationship is a focus but it should be one of several or many.

[valavoo]

I think self-reflection is important especially if it's done in the context of mindfulness/yoga/exercise but I think a lot more is to be gained on that front through being other-centered. I also take issue with the dichotomy of "focus on yourself to take the focus off your ex" because I think it's so important to have a varied enough life so that it's not a choice about being focused on one or the other. Certainly our relationship is a focus but it should be one of several or many.

 

^^^^ Yes! It is not black and white, one or the other.

[Batya33]

^^^^ Yes! It is not black and white, one or the other.

 

It's so easy to see it that way after a breakup "he was my life but now I have to focus on myself". Write the country music song (yes I'm a fan, not trying to offend) and then put that mindset off your radar. And if you do get back together in the future you want to be in a place where not only does he have to show you that now he's ready to be with you but he also has to be ready to fit in with your changed life/changed interests, etc.