Can't Move On After She Left Things Like This

[DannyBoy55]

Hi there, this is a pretty intricate situation, so I need to paint the best picture that I am able to.

 

I was with my recent gf for nearly 3 years in a relationship that went long distance. I had never connected with a person in the way that we connected. We had a solid mutual understanding, communication was the cornerstone of our relationship, there was a deeply profound bond along with passion and romance. I've had long term relationships before, but this blew me away.

 

Everything was just fine with the long distance, I trusted her and she trusted me, we spoke every single day for hours, and things carried on as usual. The situation was so that I could not travel to see her for quite a while due to several reasons, but the main issue here is the fact that she was married (arranged marriage) at the age of 18. She hated that marriage and when I met her around 3 years ago, she had not long moved out of the house with him, she was 33 then. He is a real sociopath, he won't give her a divorce even to this day for example. He used to stalk her, so when she changed her job, he would find out and send flowers and things to her, and when she wouldn't respond he would then threaten her. He has been violent to her on one occasion also. The worst part is that he doesn't care about the 2 daughters they have, ages 11 and 13. He only ever uses them as pawns, and if for example one of the girls ended up in hospital with semolina (which did happen) he wouldn't even visit or ask how they are. To put it simply, he is very selfish, delusional and controlling. When he found out about me, he promised me that he would kill me if he ever saw me, even though she made it clear hundreds of times that she never really loved him and that she wanted out of the marriage years ago. I even helped her through these times when I was in my own country, and we went through the motions of using an agency against domestic violence to make her safe from his abuse.

 

He said that he will not give her a divorce, and if she tries to leave the country he will take her daughters away from her, legally he can as it's that kind of backwards country. She needs to renew her passport anyway. So she is kind of bound to that place until her daughters are old enough to legally do what they want, she's also a struggling single mum in a backwards country so she's broke. So she could not visit me, and I was having financial issues as well as the notion that he would kill me if I was seen. I also feared that if I went there and he found out, it would have caused the ultimate problem for her girls, they have been through enough and don't need extra issues regarding their dad.

 

So as you can see, she could not visit me and I could not visit her, for the time being anyway. Then she met this friend online who was able to meet her and to which clicked with her personality. Whilst they were talking before he came to visit her, she told me that she had to tell him that he didn't make her happy like I did, and she said he was being very pushy, saying he would come and 'steal her heart' and arrange for her to have a passport - but once they met I guess she weighed up her choices, there is a guy she gets along with, willing to meet her, probably able to help her financially and maybe support her emotionally as a single mother. So I assume that she somehow wanted to switch off all emotion towards me by straight up blocking me out of sight out of mind. If she didn't care about me as much or if she had no problems in letting me know the situation she would have done, even in a text. This is why her actions were the first and only time I have ever seen her this way, not just with me but with anybody.

 

It is now 2 weeks since she dropped the bombshell on me that when this 'friend' came to visit they really clicked, and she may be falling in love with him. I cannot get over the fact that I was stuck in a situation where we could not meet, and she could not wait. Obviously she feels trapped in life and this person has enabled her to a new life in some respects, maybe to take her away with her kids to a different country, I'm not sure. But I can't move on, I can't let go of who she is to me, even though she has acted in this way towards me. I seem to be grasping at hope that one day she will realise that she threw away something between us, that she will see the errors of her ways. In the last message that she sent (voicemail) she was crying stating that she told this guy how important I was to her, that I was her soulmate, and that I would always be that to her.

 

I don't know guys, I'm just really left hanging and unable to move on, this situation is far from straight forward and ideal.. I'm doing ok with exercise, friends etc, but there are times where I just can't let go and shake my thoughts of 'what if' or 'maybe later she will..' I love the girl in a way I have never felt before. I've adopted no contact for a week now and she's doing the same obviously. It sounds trivial but made me smile just now, she even has a tattoo relating to our relationship on her body, the only tattoo she has. So she was serious about us I know that much. But yeah time heals all wounds, but when things have been left in this manner, the mind cycles through various scenarios over and over, it's not fun at all..

[MissCanuck]

I think this woman was playing with you, OP.

 

She could find absolutely no way to meet up with you and he husband refused to divorce her and apparently threatened to kill you, yet a she had a male friend come to visit? That doesn't add up. I also very much doubt she told her new lover how much you mean to her. I don't mean to sound unkind, but it really looks like she was pulling the wool over your eyes about several things.

 

Give yourself more time. Your hurt is still fresh, as this all just happened. Whatever you do, stay out of the contact with her. She doesn't sound like the most honest or sincere person.

[DannyBoy55]

I think this woman was playing with you, OP.

 

She could find absolutely no way to meet up with you and he husband refused to divorce her and apparently threatened to kill you, yet a she had a male friend come to visit? That doesn't add up. I also very much doubt she told her new lover how much you mean to her. I don't mean to sound unkind, but it really looks like she was pulling the wool over your eyes about several things.

 

Give yourself more time. Your hurt is still fresh, as this all just happened. Whatever you do, stay out of the contact with her. She doesn't sound like the most honest or sincere person.

 

 

Well here's the thing, throughout the entire time I knew her, she has always been compassionate and caring, not only to me but to everybody, that is just her nature. She has never shown deceit, manipulation or things like this, to anybody. I knew her better than her family as well. Her husband said this to me, actually to me on the phone, because he took her phone away right around the time the long distance began and she moved back to her kids, and saw my messages pics etc, and in fact printed them off to take to his lawyer. I have been on the phone with her when she has been in tears because of her husband, seen the physical harm he caused on that one occasion, and everything else that followed, he's a real monster.

 

I know it sounds crazy but she is blunt and open with almost everything, she told me about this guy a few weeks before they met, his name etc, so I do think she has told him about me also. But that doesn't matter anymore. I still believe that she has jumped at the chance for a new life in a different country, because somebody she clicks with has come along and offered up opportunity. She may have strung me along a bit for a week or 2, knowing something may happen and wanted to keep her options open, which is deceitful for sure, but I don't think she had this planned as I know her too well. A girl who has zero tattoos and doesn't like them all that much, wouldn't get a tattoo on her body relating to me and her if she was just playing around.

 

Don't worry I'm not going to contact her, the several time I did when this was first taking place, I regretted right after. I just cannot seem to put a final line underneath everything, because it has happened so fast and so out of character. She was very desperate financially and due to her position in the country she lived in, I think she may have jumped to convenience and the chance at possible love as it was there. I just need to stop grasping at the situation and asking myself question after question.

[MissCanuck]

How much time have you spent with her in person?