Flipper15 Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 I've come here tonight to try and get some advice/ vent as I have tears coming down my face. I have posted before about my 4 years relationship with my ex that ended in a row at Easter this year. We lived together and were planning on settling down. It ended at Easter over a row because of his family ( who never saw eye to eye with me but he never stuck up for me). It's the only thing that got in the way of our relationship. I tried and tried again with them, but they are so close knit I'm sure his sister had it in for me as she said we had a perfect relationship and hers wasn't. She close to her brother too, but she has a partner herself. And if anything we always sorted them out, comes to me though and it's a no no. At Easter I was also suffering grief. I had only burried my friend that week who I found out had committed suicide. Never had to deal with that at 33 years old before and seeing my friend who was the same age in a coffin was haunting. Proir to this my nana suddenly passes away. I had also been diagnosed with PTSD after nearly being killed at work. There were tears and hard times but I battle through. I went for PTSD treatment, although my ex threw this in my face in a row so I began to shut down. He had also started his dream career which took him away Mon-Fri and was training meant to be for four months but because he failed exams it ended up being 6 months. I said one stupid thing at Easter after a row he brought up about his family again. Suffering so much lose I couldn't believe he was arguing with me over it again when I tried and tried and tried with them. My head was spinning as it is and him screaming and shouting at me I told him to leave for the final time. I have since apologised and he forgave me and seemed to understand my head was all over.....but not now. April and May he was nasty to me, I mean brutal. Said some horrible stuff. I tried to return to work but with so much going on, I had to return home as he also pulled the tenancy on our house when I was away. He knew I was away, when I told him though he got angry and of course flipped and pulled the plug on the tenancy. May he shows up at the house unnannounced. Walked in with his key. Which I said was out of order as he'd moved out and it's scary the life out of me. Coming round for post on a Saturday night? Anyway then he fails some exams at work, had a go at me for it, tells his examiners we'd broken up after 4 years of a serious relationship and he moved out and his head was all over. Basically used that as an excuse. Come end of May/ June.....the Manchester bombing happened. He texted me in a panic and wanted to know I was safe and that I could always call him whenever I was scared and to be careful. He then rings me and explained he'd failed even more exams and was a crying mess to me on the phone. I said you need to sort out whatever is on your mind. I made him stay in the career as he was going to give up. I'd fully supported his career right from application, even re taught him maths, lifted his head up when he thought he would fail the medical and so on. The texts hat came after that were vey alarming to say the least. I grabbed my keys to drive down there as he was a utter mess. Thankfully he'd driven back home to his parents where he was staying at the weekends. He let it all out that he was putting on a front, misssd me and my family, missed us and so on. A crying mess he was. He agreed that he needed to see a councillor and that we should also both sit down with a third person and get everything out on the table. I didn't know what was getting to him but it sounded like he was failing to tell me something. He said in a email I could always reference too, that we were too close to drift apart and have been through too much to just not try and to never not know each other. I didn't know where it came from. I had reservations as I said but you can't move back in, I don't trust you not pulling the plug on the house when I'm away. I said I worry for the future, what happens if we get marry and pressure gets to you and you run off. What if we have kids we spoke about and hot all pregnancies and you run off. He said I need reassurance I won't get hurt again. I said I need reassurance you don't do a hunk everytime stuff gets tough. Anyway he wanted to take me to the Manchester mermorial but I was too scared to go so soon after what had happened. Another time we were meant to meet and didn't. Anyway then he had one big chat with his mum. At 34 her word still conkers all it seems. I left him alone for a weekend no contact at all because I thought being with his family may ease him because he got in such a mess. But still planned to meet up again. But whatever she said, he turned on me and said let's be friends for now see what happens in the future. I have to concentrate on my career it's important to me and it's my only chance at my dream. I couldn't believe it. Total turn around. I spoke to his friend who told me she's seen him and he was really upset. She said I've never seen him as happy as when he was with you, but you've both tried to get around things and it's causing emotional strain. Then she kept digging at the family thing. She said but maybe you guys can sort it in the future. I've seen women come and go in his life and he's never been as happy as he was with you. But then he started this whole let's be friends see what happens in the future my work is the most important thing. I said yes but your 34 and still have a personal life! Anyway we were in contact on WhatsApp and text. But he started to say things to me saying I should be a clavant and wasted in my career. So I said something along the same lines back and I get blocked! Same as text! Even on the phone! He had me down to email basically. Facebook we weren't fb friends but were talking on messenger. Seemed to get somewhere and it was starting to come out so I thought. But I went to sleep one night and the neighbour who saw me in a total mess, messaged him when he was drunk. I woke up to a message full of anger and abuse off my ex, yet he said nothing to the neighbour and just then blocked me on there too! I didn't even do anything. Emails went back and forth and he was saying these decisions take time, I don't k is about us, I have to concertante on work, I have to pass my training it's impetitve I do on only I can put it right. He started to uncover stuff that upset him when we were together but picking hole out of me and refuse to say it was the family. July he turns up at the house again. We briefly spoke but I was also a mess. It was the day before my birthday, no nana, no friend and no my now ex I'd also received news form the doctor only half hour before he turned up. Which frightened me. So I was already anxious and once again he'd not warned me he was coming round. We briefly spoke and I told him I was getting grief councilling and he said good you need it. He said I was going to ask you to meet me in two weeks time for a drink and talk. He said my passing out is next weekend and my family are coming down. He said my group will pass out but I won't I'll be there until September. I said I love you and miss you I'm so sorry. He said I still have some feelings but not quite the same as I used to I'd have to get to know and trust you again. Then he said see what September brings with us, but my work is more important to me than anything right now above you, above my family and my friends. I said how can you say that when I helped you! Even in June! He's aid that's the way it is it's my life and my dream. He said I'll contact you and se you in two weeks. But then it ended in a emotional row and he physically hurt me he took me in the house and seemed to have a panicked attack and said your going to call the police now and loose me my job. Let me take you to hospital. I said no no I'll be fine. Reason I didn't go to hospital was because I would have to tell the truth and yes he would have lost his job. He said this is why I can't do this because it gets like this. I said what! I said in the past these rows have only happened because of your family! Nothing else! But you won't tell me what's gone on! He said please let me know your ok. I said you've blocked me. You've blocked the one girl whose meant the most in your life more than a girl you were going to marry, you wanted a future with and been so close to we were two peas in a pod and have just had me dangling for months. He said please be ok email me. I emailed him as I felt bad for him being upset and he said he didn't know how he felt but was full of remorse and guilt. He said he didn't know about us as he didn't like the side of me that came out nor him. I said there you go it's me again, me me me, always my fault. I said you turned up announced again and wonder why I'm so anxious with everything going on. I said I didn't go hospital because of your job, you said I'd use it against you and I haven't, yet your blaming me! He said I don't know I really don't know. Anyway that week he's telling me over email these decisions take time and so on. Weekend after his parents go down for his passing out. Now he didn't actually pass out like his pals and I know this would have hit him really really hard inside. A workmate (I have them all over the country) then tells me she spotted him on a dating that weekend a new profile. I confronted him and he laughed at me and told me he wondered how long it would take for someone to see him, wanted to see if he was enough for someone, and to pass time. I said what?! You told me you weren't that type of guy! When we split you said I'm not he type to go out dating especially after us you wanted to sort us or at least have a conversation. We've had no conversation face to face properly over what's gone on. He said I'm concertatinf on work and passing time having general conversations. I said it's only been a few months and we were in a serious commitmed relationship and I've been waiting to sit down and speak properly but then because the rest of the lads in your class are doing it you do? It broke me so much because he told me he wasn't like that. Only a month before was he crying his eyes out. Anyway he was clearly on their chatting away. Still emailed me but constantly picking faults out of me personally. Said he'd not met anyone or anything like that. Was concertatinf on work. Said I was a nice person and so on. I spoke to his friend who then lets ALL out. She said it was all to do with his family. That he will always choose family over a girlfriend. It's very important his family get along with his gf. Said why didn't I front it out with them which I did plenty of times. She said why not with the sister I said I have but she won't see me on her own. She said he didn't like the side of him that came out towards me over it. Said she'd seen him that weekend and he'd completely moved on form it all, not with anyone, not been on any dates, but that he didn't feel the need to talk to me anymore at all and doesn't want to unpick it all. She said I've hurt him and people do crazy stuff when they are hurt. She started to tell me to go to the parents house and so on. Asked me alsorts of questions. She admitted he's not lied but he's not communicate properly. She said her self he should sit down and speak to me, that she'd spoken to him about it and he said he not intrested and has to do it on his terms. She said the only chance you have is space. But she also said he wanted to be with someone socilable who gets involved with his family and friends. I said I am sociable! He's lying! I said I've always seen his friends and would do his family if they stopped being nasty towards me. I said I've tried and tried with them. I said but he can't can a relationships because of that. She said this has gone on for a while and he's been letting go for a while because he wants the perfect picture. I said what! Only last month was he crying to me saying he loved me and wanted to sort it out! I said we've been fine bar a few things but we've been through worse than this and pulled through. I said if the family was a issue why couldn't he stand up to them and tell them it was ripping us apart and just accept me. She said because it's his family so he wouldn't say that to them. Can't change who he is. I said no but that's chucking away someone you love for it?! Makes no sense we're not children. I had to move out of our house. He'd moved and finally handed the keys in. But gave no help at all, although some of his stuff still remained in there. He didn't helpt clean it throughout for new tenants. Didn't help towards cleaning costs absoulty nothing. I tried to call him from someone else's phone and I had to leave 3 voicemails as the landlord him said money should have come off the deposit for what I paid out for then split. But I had to soeak to my ex about it. No answers round those times which are the only times I called and gave up and left voicemails. I went to call another time and he picked up and laughed down the phone at me 😢And hung up. Myself and my whole family had to help do it all. I said for him to pick his stuff up he said nope. So I said I don't want to throw it away as it's not mine I'll put it on your parents driveway he said fine I don't care. WELL his friend then tells me it upset him! So making me out to be he bad guy again 😢 worse thing was it was the years anniversary of my Nana's death and my mum looked so sad. He knew this as well and still didn't think to be adult and help. I had to move out back to my parents, with my Nana's house next door it haunted me everyday seeing a new family in there as the house has been in our family for years and year and years. Emailed still went back and forth and he still said he'd met no one and concertrateinf on work. He knew his fiends and I had spoken and she told me all that it was to do with family but he still refused to admit it. Picked holes out of me instead. Said he didn't like photos of me and my male workmates (which he's met) on Facebook, said I always put my friends issues before ours, didn't like certain things about me and so on 😢 none of which he said ever said before. He then said the one ounce of doubt you had in me for passing the course, spurred me on and I've passed with flying colours ans that's because I distanced myself in over the moon thankyou! I actually read that email and cried. All I've ever done is support him 😢 He said I cant wait to move out of here, start my new career properly and new location can't wait it will be brilliant so thankyou I'm moving on on my own and can't wait. I just cried and cried. He said I might meet you I might not. Depends when I have time and I've got no reason to see you really. I said you still have documents form the house he said nah well I've got what I need. We will see. He was so arogant 😢 But this person he's turned into isn't the guy I knew at all. He was one for giving people chances, told me to open up more and so on. Yes I've suffered a lot of loss. But his sister suffered a bad time in her life and he said we need to be there for her and we were. His best friend the same. Comes of me and nothing 😢 He's moved to a new base now and seems to be living the life of Riley. At 34 he wanted to settle down and he's just now seems to think he's this great guy with loads of potential and husband new job will attract people like jack the lad basically. I felt I'd been kicked in the stomach. I had a message off a girl who he'd obviously been speaking to. She wasn't the only one either apprently according to her. She messaged me, because what he was saying didn't add up. Because she saw happy photos of us on his Facebook apprently so must sirloin have photos of us on there. Even though he's blocked me. Yet he kept all my family and friends on there which I told him to delete at it made no sense why he was friends with them all. She showed me the conversations he'd been having with her and other girls she knows 😢 Giving his new number out all over the show, flirting with girls, meeting up with them in random places yet couldn't meet me for half an hour 😢 even said to one of them "thank f*ck I'm out of the relationship I was blind when I was in it". It tor me up as I thought hold on if you were that glad why break down again me cry all those times. I felt sick. He'd met loads of girls, when he told me he hadn't and was concertating on work. 😢 thing is why lie? He's the one whose asked me before am I seeing someone and I said no he said he honest and I said no. I asked him he said no, but it's clear from these messages he was. I just can't cope 😢 I know it all happened at Easter, but I've had no closure at all, barley seen him to talk, he seems to be lapping it up jack the lad and I'm left broken. I had to sor true house out the lot 😢 I've tried to apologise for any of my faults, tried to show him how I've had help, how I am changing and what I've done to try improve myself. But without bumping into him he just avoids me 😢 I know it all started at Easter but it was 4 years of a serious adult relationship both 33 and 34. I hate myself so much even though I don't know what I've done. I've been there for him so many times and helped him and then he's been like this with me 😢 I felt so low last week, and my mum made a comment I left home. I've not told my family nor friends where I am. I've had panic attacks, not eaten properly, not sleeping properly. I've tried of get over it and get out and about but I just can't I feel like the whole world is on my shoulders with so much loss. Then the one who was there throughout goes and does all that and then tells total strangers he's glad he's out of it 😢 he wanted to settle down a ns still does apprently and have kids but it's almost like I was on a time limit worjbhis fakilt yet they were the ones who didn't accept me. Even before the split it was his birthday meal with his family and hebdidnt invite me, times they asked him round to theirs they didn't ask me. Christmas and everythinf 😢 Apprently hris upset and him and he was at breaking point but half the time he just ignored it. If you don't tell you partner what's up how are you meant to work it out. It's almost like this career was an escape for him which when I've said that he goes mad 😢 I feel so bad that someone's treated me that way, picked holes out of me, brought stuff up I never knew even upset him and so on that I wrote my final notes to my family and friends and him for when I'm gone. I've had sucidal thoughts which I'm embarrassed to admit but had to to my GP last week. I've not done anything the only raking that's stopping me is I don't want my family and friends to turn out like I have after my friends death. I can never get his dads crying eyes out of my head at the wake. The doctor wanted it amdit me to hospital but I refused. Instead she sent me for a urgent referal at a RAD clinic I started crying even in the waiting room. I said I feel like I'm going coockoo and he thinks I'm crazy and stuff, the nurse said no. Not at all. He's been horrible he knew you'd wre going through a hard time but he's made it ten times worse and has now got you in the mindset of your a horrible person. I said he's said my personality changes, she said no. I even asked my doctor if she thought that and she said no, you've suffered a great deal of loss in a short amount of time! Don't let him make you out to be something your not. Private counciling hasn't helped so nownim getting CBT therpy. He even contacted my best mate last week and said I'd left home. Acted like me nice guy. She agreed it wa the right things to tell her. Next minute he's throwing that in my face in a email and saying everyone still likes him 😢 The thing is this is not his nature to be like this with anyone. I loved him so much and thought he did me. We had a lot in common, background and morals. We got along well bar that family stuff. But I look back now and I see a lot of control he had over me 😢 but being this way is not in his nature with anyone. I've only ever seen him act temporarily like this with neighbour at new year after my ex was spying on us using a camera. He's never been like this with other ex's, he's always told people to talk after splits even my fiends when heyve had break ups, he's usually kind, compassionate, empathises but this man I see now just seems to want to totally get rid of me and pretend I never even existed 😢 I just feel so so so hurt. People say get over it. Takes time. It gets better. But it's not at all in 6 months I feel worse. I just don't undeatand what I've done to deserve it 😢 we've been through so many happy times and hard times together and been by each other's sides and so on. Wanted to settled, married, kids and so on. I was going to leave my career once he fully got into his. I just feel blindsided and not to even talk about it or closure I just don't understand it's like he's just ran away 😢 he's even accused me of stuff I haven't even done 😢 Link to comment
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