Why won't she take my criticism?

[Freddy]

So I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost a year now. Near the beginning of the relationship she warned me that she had an anger problem, so going into this I knew exactly what I was getting myself into. During the first few months things were really great as they tend to be with any new relationship, however around 5 or 6 months in, things got really bad. We fought a lot but in the end I think we really grew as a couple. I also think that she has grown a lot as a person and has become MUCH better at dealing with her anger. I can only imagine it was very difficult for her to come to terms with a significant character flaw and actually improve upon it as much as she has.

 

However I still get frustrated from time to time about things she does, sometimes over things that I shouldn’t be getting frustrated about. When I voice these frustrations she usually gets very upset, in the past she would have immediately responded aggressively, but now it’s more defensive. In some cases she just doesn’t say anything and won’t speak to me until I ask her if she’s okay. Usually this results in a huge fight.

 

Now I don’t pretend to be the best at voicing my frustrations, and she’s made it clear to me that my criticism of her makes her feel like a terrible person. I try to be conscious of the way I come across; I try to phrase my criticisms in a way that sound kind. I’m not always great at this; sometimes what I say comes out wrong or I don’t take the time to carefully explain exactly what frustrated me. However, I feel that for the most part, I try to voice my frustrations in a calm, respectful way. Somehow she is still always telling me I do it in a mean way or that I make her feel like the worst person ever. I just am getting to the point where I feel like I can’t give her any criticism without starting a fight, or making her upset.

 

So I’ll usually keep my mouth shut, especially over little things that shouldn’t matter too much. At this point my options are: keep my frustrations to myself and feel walked all over, or voice them… which usually ends badly. I can’t accept either of those choices and I need to figure out how to communicate to her that my criticism of her actions isn’t intended to be malicious or condescending. I want to get to the point where I can say, “Hey, when you do X, it bugs me” without getting a defensive or evasive response. Ideally, she takes what I say, recognizes that I’m not attacking her, reflects on it, and either accepts my criticism or calmly explains how she didn’t intend it the way I perceived it. Is that unrealistic of me? Do I need to do something I haven’t tried? I want to talk to her about this but I don’t want to start another stupid fight… I greatly appreciate any insight.

[rosephase]

What are these criticisms you have of her?

 

In general no one likes to be criticized. If you have a running list of things she could do better... maybe you aren't the right partner for her. It could be that you just don't like who she is, or who she is annoys you. A year in is when you start sorting that out.

[willdation]

It could be with the way you are criticizing her and that may come across as angry too. Even though it is hard, you should never try and argue with a woman...just communicate in a mature and loving way....If she does not want to change and throws tantrums etc...leave her.... I once dated a girl who had extreme anxiety and depression, but she would always lash out at me with crazy anger over trivial things....She wouldn't change so I dumped her...and I only regret I did not do so much sooner...

[willdation]

It could be with the way you are criticizing her and that may come across as angry too. Even though it is hard, you should never try and argue with a woman...just communicate in a mature and loving way....If she does not want to change and throws tantrums etc...leave her.... I once dated a girl who had extreme anxiety and depression, but she would always lash out at me with crazy anger over trivial things....She wouldn't change so I dumped her...and I only regret I did not do so much sooner...now I have a girl that actually never once raised her voice at me ..she knows how to communicate.....so my life is like 10000 times better..... they say the quality of your life is greatly influenced by your closes relationships....