HELP! Im trying to get my ex gf back but...

[flynnz23]

Heres the shortened version of a long story. My ex gf and I were together for approx. 5 1/2 yrs. and we have a son who is now 14 months old. We have been separated for about a year and now I want her back. 2 months prior to this she had asked me to get back w/ her but I refused, and now she is living with another guy that she has been seeing for about a month or so. We both love and care for each other and she has said that we will be together but, just give it time. What does she mean by this? She says that she does NOT love this other guy but I feel that she does. Is she just waiting for things to go wrong with her relationship with this new guy before she comes back or what? I think about her every day and she says she does the same. We both agree that we should be together but she tells me to "give it time". I have tried the NC thing but its so hard. Should I persue this or just wait for her to come to me? We see each other a few times a week whenever I pick up my son or when she drops him off. I really feel in my heart that we will be a family again. Someone told me "if its meant to be, then it will happen". Any suggestions would be appreciated.

[twelve]

Welcome Flynnz

 

OK.

What I would do is ask her straight out what she means by give it time.

Stress that you have NO PROBLEM giving her time, but the fact that she is with someone else makes you very confused, and you dont want to wait around if she is witrh someone else.

Tell her you are afraid of being her back up plan.

Say you would wait as long as she wants and that there is no pressure, but this other person is making you confused and could she communicate more with you.

[coolcol]

If you really want her back you will have to pray things dont work out with this other guy, once another man is in her life she will have her heart and attention directed away from you until she decides her relationship will not work with this new guy

 

All you can really do is be as close a friend as possible without trying to control her or interfer with this new relationship.

 

You have a child together so use this time wisely when meeting her to pick your son up. explain yourself and how you feel about her and that you still love her, but try nor to pressure her into taking you back....

 

You will have to try to win her heart all over again but without getting between her and her new guy.

 

She may just be seeing how things work out with him and knowing your always there will not make her suddenly want to run to you.......the very fact she knows you want her back will make her realise you are always available and so she doesnt have to worry about loosing you cos she knows you are there waiting like a person who has nothing else in his life

 

You must try and stay strong(easy to say!) and be a man in control of himself and not trying to control her!

 

Its going to be hard until she decides what she really wants, you will now have to show her you are sincere and reliable, in control, confident etc, the more needy you appear the less appealing you will be to her.

 

Try and build up a friendship when you see her over your son, make her laugh, talk about good times, compliment her (even give her the odd present...dont overdo this or the effect will diminish!).

 

This is one situation you will have to let her decide my friend......like i said try not to let jelousy rear its ugly head, stay calm and confident, once she knows were you both stand then its up to her.

 

Telling her you will always be there will not make her suddenly drop another guy...why should she?

Instead tell her you love her and will wait a little time to see how things go but you cannot wait forever!

 

She must think she may loose you for good......make her understand this and give her 6 mths or so to decide......

 

This is probibly not good advice but if you want someone so much ....6mths is not long to wait.....if after 6mths she still cant decide...forget it....move on........easy said...hard to do!

[twelve]

good valuable advice there.

 

no presents though.

[flynnz23]

"Try and build up a friendship when you see her over your son, make her laugh, talk about good times, compliment her (even give her the odd present...dont overdo this or the effect will diminish!)."

 

What do you mean by "odd present"? Send her flowers? I have thought about having some flowers delivered to her work. Whenever we meet for our son, we spend a little time together talking, laughing, etc.

 

Here is a lil more info on her situation. She currently doesnt have a car so she is driving her guy friends truck, I think maybe he has lost his liscence. She has told me that she doesnt want to be a complete B**** to this guy and hurt his feelings and that she needs some time. I am worried that if I dont pursue this then she will continue to stay with him. I am not being aggressive about it, but she does know how I feel. Yesterday when she picked up my son she gave me a hug and a kiss. SHE made the move I didnt. (though I want to every time I see her) Thank you both for taking the time to respond to my situation. Its hurts me so much knowing that she wakes up to another guy. I pray that things work out because there is NO other woman that I want to spend my life with. This is a great forum with great advice. You are good people.

[flynnz23]

Welcome Flynnz

 

OK.

What I would do is ask her straight out what she means by give it time.

Stress that you have NO PROBLEM giving her time, but the fact that she is with someone else makes you very confused, and you dont want to wait around if she is witrh someone else.

Tell her you are afraid of being her back up plan.

Say you would wait as long as she wants and that there is no pressure, but this other person is making you confused and could she communicate more with you.

 

 

OK, earlier today she came over to drop my son off and I asked her straight out what she meant by "give me time". She said that I am not just a back up plan and that we WILL be together but there are some things she has to deal with right now. She said that her guy friend's mother just got her a job somewhere and she can't just be a total B**** to them. She gave me a hug and kiss and told me to give her a little time and that she promises that we will be a family again soon.

 

What do you make of this? I'm really confused and could use some more of your great advice. Thanks in advance.

[twelve]

It actually doesnt sound too bad, though im not belittling your pain in any way, I understand you must be feeling pretty bad about the siutation because she is with another man.

To be honest, it doesn't sound like shes really into him, and he sounds like a bit of a loser.

Things look promising, but do protect yourself please and meet other people and don't wait around for her, and let her see this, even if in your head you just want to be with her.

Be happy around her, confident, and successful, and busy.

 

Don't look to be too available for her all the time is my piece of advice.

 

How are you feeling now?

[flynnz23]

OK now I REALLY feel like ****. She called me earlier to confirm a time for her to pick up our son and we started talking about us. She basically told me that she will come back if/when her relationship with this guy now F***s up. She said that she loves and cares about me but she doesnt want to just give up on her current relationship right now. OUCH She said that we will be together EVENTUALLY. What is that supposed to mean??!!! Does she expect me to just wait for things to go sour? I cant do it. I would give ANYTHING for us to be together for our son and for ourselves. She said that she is tired of seeing our son cry when he has to leave my or her house, which I told her the same. It breaks your heart when you drop your son off and he cries because he doesnt want you to leave. I literally cannot sleep and dont feel like eating because of this situation. Where do I go from here??? My heart is in two right now. I know in my heart that we will be together again, but when I dont know. I cannot stand the fact that my son is spending time with another man other than his daddy. I dont think its a hard choice to make.....stay with this guy you've known for a month or be with your babys daddy who youve known for 5 1/2 yrs, whom you love and care about? Im starting to cry as I type this so please forgive me for any typos. She knows that I have changed and am trying to make things right but I feel I am too late. What is she scared of exactly? Any ideas???? She said herself she would do anything to have her family back, and now that its there for her she doesnt want it. I am sooo confused and hurt right now I cant even think straight. Please help!!!!!!! Giving up hope is NOT an option here.

[flynnz23]

??????????? OK She called me today out of the blue and I could tell that something was wrong by the sound of her voice. I asked her and she said nothings wrong. Then she started to cry and told me that she was sorry and that she wants us to be together but she doesnt know how to tell the other guy. I tried to comfort her as best I could and told her that things would work out and be alright. She told me she loved and missed me and I told her the same. It was a quick conversation, but I wasnt expecting it at all. Now I am confused at what I should do, what actions to take. Should I stay back and let her deal with her situation on her own or what???? I just let her know that if she needed anything that I am here for her.

[flynnz23]

Someone have any advice at all? I feel that progress is being made but Im unsure of what actions to take next.

[twelve]

I would tell her that you understand it is hard for her right now but she also needs to consider you in this.

Tell her it is painful living in limbo like this and tell her to make her decision.

It is wrong of her to muck you around.

Sounds like she wants you back but she has no guts telling the guy.

And that is not something you should have to suffer because of.

A tactful stern word and a huge backoff is needed here.

You need to make her thnink she could lose you if she delays too long.

[twelve]

ie dont be around whenever she calls if you are, only be there for your son

[coolcol]

Unfortunately it is impossible to get inside this womans head, she sounds a little mixed up and confussed........but to continue with this present situation the way it is could prove tricky

 

..........if she sincerly wishes to be back with you but has gotten herself deep into a relationship with a guy she maybe fears and doesnt love then she may feel scared and unsure what to do.

 

Or she may just be emotionally unsure what to do and which way to turn.

 

Take the inititave and ask her to meet you somewhere where you can talk together to discuss these issues.

You really need to clarify what it is she REALLY wants, you need to do this now, not next week or the week after.

 

If she refuses to meet you and continues to just tell you she wants to be with you but cant decide when then you will need to be firm but fair.

 

Tell her in a slow calm voice that you realise she is in another relationship but you think she is making a big mistake for you, her and the future of your child, you understand if she cant make up her mind but cannot be expected to wait and see how things tiurn out and that it might be best to give her some space to make her mind up......try not to contact her for a few weeks and wait to see if she contacts you.

 

If she continues with the ''I love you but cant make my mind up, we will be together someday routine'' then you must tell her ' Look I really love you but I cannot continue with these conversations without any definite actions on your part, maybe its best we leave things for a while until you are sure what you want......let her know you have other things and other friends that need your attention and its only upseting you all the time listening to her conversations and that you need time to think about things.

 

Remember actions speak louder than words my friend..........

 

Be frank, be firm and be fair.........explain yourself....then leave her to decide what she wants......

 

The time must come to put up or shut up......either she wants this guy or she doesnt...either she wants you or she doesnt....life may never be as simple as that but you need to know what she really wants, not what she just tells you when she feels low or down.

[Iceman26]

I usually dont write in these kinds of posts because I dont believe in this BS about getting back with exes. I make an exception in your case because you have a son with her.

 

Shes using you as a security blanket, period. You are her insurance policy, in case things dont work out with this guy.

 

The only one who can really give you advice in this situation is you. If you want this kind of instability in your partner, then stay. If you think she can straighten up, and can be stable enough as a good partner and the two of you make good parents together for your son, then try to work it out I guess.

 

I personally would be friendly to her, as she is the mother of your child, but I personally would move on. But thats me. Good luck.

[flynnz23]

I asked her to come over this Sat. to spend the day with me and our son and she was totally up for it. I told her that there are some important things that we need to talk about and she agreed. I am going to be upfront and honest with her and hopefully work things out. I will post here whatever happens. I pray that she will do whats right for us and our son. I cannot stand to see him cry when he leaves my house. If its meant to be, then it will happen. Thanks for all the advice. It is really appreciated. Ill keep you all updated on the situation.

[twelve]

So what happened?

[Liquidius]

I think that her relationship with the other guy is her problem, not yours.

She'll need your support, but she has to do this on her own. You should be there for her when she calls, but dont get involved with the breakup itself.