Girlfriend not affectionate

[KyleWilliam]

I just discovered this site and read through some past forum postings but wanted to reach out ofr feedback on my specific situation. I 'started' dating this girl about 4 months ago. I say 'started' because we actually had a very short dating relationship about 5 years ago, but she was seeing another guy at the same time (unbeknownst to me) and she 'chose' him over me. That's a whole different subject, but let's fast forward 5 years forward. Late in the spring, she reached out to me to re-initiate contact. Everything went well, and we started dating again. At first, it was a normal dating relationship, but then she injured herself and I sort of mocved into her house to take care of her. We basically went form seeing each other 1-2 times a week to living together in a month! She eventually had a 'talk' with me and told me that because she had basically lived alone for the past 10 years, that this was a bit much for her and we needed to add some space so we both continued doing the things we loved as individuals, as much as doing things together. I had a tough time with this, particularly because of what had happened in the past, but it seemed perfectly reasonable. She told me she had never spent so many nights sleeping next to somebody as she did me, and that it was a big adjustment. That month we lived together was awesome from a physical contact perspective, which is what brings up my anxiety about how things are going now.

 

I've noticed that she is far less affectionate then I am. She never initiates any kind of hand-holding, or kissing, or hugs. In talking with her adult daughter (not about this specific topic) I get the impression she is just less emotional (dare I say a bit cold). This sort of surprised me because at first, she would often initiate intimacy. I do know that in her childhood, her parents were very strict and there was not love/affection. It was essentially all business. I also know that she was not very well appreciated in her 14-year marriage (which ended 10 yr ago).

 

We are both 50 yr. old, so it has nothing to do with being immature (I don't think). We now see ea. other on weekends, so we are sleeping in the same bed probably Fri-Mon, but the intimacy has decreased (I guess I should've expected that). She also does not like to be 'held' while sleeping, so while she often falls asleep on my chest, she will roll-over and we basically sleep on opposite sides of the bed. This was a specific request she made (she is also going through menopause and has night sweats which confounds the issue). When we are in the car, she never reaches for my hand. If I don't kiss her good-night, she will just go to sleep. I do not mistrust her in any way, nor do I think she is seeing anybody else, but it just strikes me as odd about this coolness. I know the initial spark eventually wears off, but this seems to have happened rather quickly. To be fair, we have basically crammed a year's worth of dating into 4-months. We also have a bunch of trips already planned between now and the end of the year, so I don't think she no longer likes me, but I'd be lying if I didn't say the lack of affection hurts. I think I could overcome it if I knew the root cause was something as simple as she's not wired the same way as I am, but how do I find this out?

 

From some of the posts I've read, it sounds like this is not as unusual as I thought it was. I read some response from women that were open about not necessarily being super-affectionate, but that it was not indicative of a lack of interest in their partner. I have just never experienced this before.

 

I guess my question is, can I ask her about this, and if so, how do I bring it up? We just had the 'talk' not too long ago about needing the 'space' between us, so part of me wonders if I should wait this out. We have a couple of weekend getaways planned over the next couple of months, plus we have a week-long vacation in the Caribbean at Christmas time that we just booked. I guess some of my own insecurities are present, but like I said above, I think this woman likes me, but am struggling with the missing affection-connection. And those rare times when she does initiate it, I am over the moon.

 

And to be perfectly blunt, I have never loved a woman like I love this one. Even 5-years ago, the attraction was instant (and I was summarily crushed by her). I don't dwell on that, partly because she is the one who reached out to me after all this time. But if she knew how I felt last time, and she knew I was crushed, why would she rekindle the relationship only to break me again? That's probably just my own insecurities talking. We are much more involved this time around. Aside form spending so much time together, I have met her adult children, we are going to FL next moth to visit her elderly father, I've been to multiple parties with her friends. I feel like I am part of the 'fabric' of her life, but am still stung by this lack of affection. Is that normal?

 

Thanks for any feedback, or shared experiences. I feel like I am somewhat adrift on an empty ocean right now.

 

Sorry for the rambling, long-post. I guess I grapple with a couple of different issue here and am just looking for a sympathetic ear.

[AtitAgain]

Here is what I will tell you - if it is common or not - don't know. What I do know is that my ex was like that, and regardless of talking to her about it, it did not change.

 

If this is a big deal for you, I would seriously consider how to proceed. This was a big issue for me, because I am a touchy-feely person... and yeah... feeling like the person I am with does not appreciate, or desire to touch me... its hard. So I empathize.

[KyleWilliam]

Thanks. Did you ever think that the lack of affection was some kind of 'exit strategy', or did you believe your ex- was committed to the relationship, even if there was this incompatibility?

 

Am I being needy to even talk about it to her? I feel like we are still 'learning to dance' with each other (her words exactly) and I don't want to come at her with this while we are still navigating through this space issue thing.

[AtitAgain]

She was definitely committed to the relationship. It was just her personality/how she was brought up. She was brought up with just her mom, and she was not an affectionate person. Her mom barely ever told her that she loved her (even though she did, and was a good mother overall - caring for her needs, etc).

 

In her case it was not a matter of - "I can't stand this person anymore/want to be away from him" - it was really how she was as a person. Even before we had issues, she was just like that.

[KyleWilliam]

I think my wrestling with the affection stems form the idea that she is not 'committed' to the relationship, but her actions, for the most part, seem to suggest that she is into the relationship. I read some posts where women mentioned thy tended to be much more affectionate tat the outset, and it slowly cooled. I could never imagine not wanting to kiss this woman all the time. Ugh.

[KyleWilliam]

I should also add, all the erotic, playful texts that I got in the beginning are also a distant memory. If I get 2-3 texts a day while at work, they are strictly business. I struggled with that as well, but got past it.

[AtitAgain]

You just have a couple options Kyle:

 

1) Live with it like it is no big deal. It is how she is.

 

2) Talk to her about it, and see where it goes.

 

Aside from that I would work on yourself - confidence, gym, etc. If you are attractive/your best self - she will be more attracted to you. If things don't work out with her - you will have plenty of options later.

[Giblesp]

To be honest, she doesn't sound like a good partner for you. At age 50 you must be particularly non tolerant of things that are not going the way you want them.

 

I'd let this one go. Why are you choosing a woman of 50? Would the idea of a younger woman be appealing?

[abitbroken]

I think there are some things that you are confusing -- there is a lack of a affection and there are things that happen when you are in a mature relationship (regardless of age --- i am talking past the honeymoon stage). In a mature relationship that is past the initial infatuation state -- you will stop getting erotic texts because the person is using good judgement (everything can be forwarded these days) - where in the infatuation stage someone might have done something they weren't comfortable with or was more impulsive.

 

Signs of a mature relationship

 

- Not sleeping glued to eachother -- heck, i have a hard time breathing in certain positions, and she could not be able to really fall asleep because of your movements. It may seem sweet to hold eachother all night, but it doesn't make for restful sleep. Its exhilarating to pull all nighters but when things progress and you are ALWAYS sleeping there by routine on specific nights - sleep is primary.

- The lack of erotic texts. Someone infatuated could have lost their head a little and did something risky. Erot- ic texts are risky. What if your boss saw it? What if it went to the wrong person by accident??

- holding hands and having a hand on eachother constantly in public can be a sign of insecurity - it is not always natural.

-having to hold hands while driving --- you ever heard the public service announcements of keeping your hands on the wheel?

 

Signs of someone who is not physically affectionate

- they don't initiate physical contact much

- they shrink away from your physical contact

[abitbroken]

btw, why don't you change your routine a little? If you are always the friday through sunday guy - why not go on dates instead of just coming over all weekend. if a performance is on a wednesday night - go do that on a weeknight and then make specific plans on the weekend instead of just ending up at her house the entire weekend. In otherwords -- bring the spark back. be unpredictable and unexpected.

 

This actually sounds like a very solid relationship - some of the things you mention are realistic expectations and some are unrealistic.

[abitbroken]

also, i encourage you to read the 5 love languages. She CLEARLY loves you -- she is introducing you to adult children, bringing you around the family, you spend weekends with her, you communicate daily and you have sex. However - the ONLY thing that computes with you is PDA. Maybe read about it so you can shift your focus to SEE what she is doing to "love" you and show care. Also, it has nothing to do with being raised in a home that is not affectionate -- there could be three kids in the same home and one turns out to not be affectionate unless having intimate bedroom moments, one could be the opposite and could overly crave it and overly give it, and one could crave it and may not know how to give it. And some people with affectionate families are very unaffectionate people.

 

BTW -- if she is going through menopause her body is changing and she may not feel like a lot of hot sex until she is through it sometimes. So treat it like a medical condition -- be patient -- there are different things she can use supplements and such -- but know this is uncomfortable for her.

[wom360]

Why did she initiate contact? The guy she wanted dump her? I couldn't personally be someone's plan b second choice. But you've got a serious case of oneitis. I disagree that there's evidence she loves you. People in love want to do things to make you happy.

[KyleWilliam]

Appreciate all the feedback. I guess I am wrestling with two distinct issues, thought I believe they are interrelated. The change in the affection, which I think began a couple of weeks back, could very well be just this adjustment. But I still feel like she is somewhat aloof (and dare I say 'mean' at times). My friends tell me that I read way too much into her minimal texts, but even this morning, I just got the feeling she didn't want me there. It's hard to describe, but there is this coolness. I only slept there because we watched the MNF game together, but nothing else happened. She told me she only slept until around 1:00 AM, and then basically laid awake all night. I know it wasn't my fault, at least not due to physical contact. When I do sleep there, i make certain that after she rolls over to her side, I do not follow (until the alarm goes off in the morning). I would be lying if I didn't say this was killing me (I can't eat/sleep myself - even when I am there I don't sleep that well because i have all of this anxiety about when is the 'shoe' going to drop. But then I tell myself, why would she bring you in so deep into her life if her plan was to simply go out with you for a while and then cut you loose? I hate being in love.

 

I like the recommendation about changing things up a bit. More than happy to try it out.

 

wom360 - Oneitis seems like an apt description. I don't know what happened with the guy she chose over me. I think that ended back in 2014 and it had to do with children. She never told me that directly, but at one point she was telling me that she was invited to the wedding of her friend's daughter in 2014 and she wasn't seeing anybody to bring as a 'plus one'. As far as what happened, a girlfriend of hers was going through a break-up and it had to do with the guy's young children. She looked at me and said that she was so glad that I did not have children, that they brought a whole different element to a relationship. I got the feeling that's what happened there. Only one time did that subject ever come up (when we had our talk about 'space) and I told her I was a bit afraid of her because I had no idea what I did wrong the first time. She said I did nothing wrong and asked me, "Who am I with now?"

[KyleWilliam]

And regarding the lack of sleep, which she was having issues with back when we first started chatting again, I hate to even ask her if she is 'all right' because she seems to get annoyed at that. Which makes me tinge could never ask if 'we were all right'. hmm...

 

I am avery patient man (5 years, remember?) and if the coolness, lack of attention, cranky attitudes, etc. are all part of being with someone who is going through menopause, I can weather the storm. The thing I cannot tolerate is any sort of dishonesty. If I am being strung along until after all these trips have been made, that would really make me angry. I would really be the perfect example of 'nice guys finish last'.

[abitbroken]

Appreciate all the feedback. I guess I am wrestling with two distinct issues, thought I believe they are interrelated. The change in the affection, which I think began a couple of weeks back, could very well be just this adjustment. But I still feel like she is somewhat aloof (and dare I say 'mean' at times). My friends tell me that I read way too much into her minimal texts, but even this morning, I just got the feeling she didn't want me there. It's hard to describe, but there is this coolness. I only slept there because we watched the MNF game together, but nothing else happened. She told me she only slept until around 1:00 AM, and then basically laid awake all night. I know it wasn't my fault, at least not due to physical contact. When I do sleep there, i make certain that after she rolls over to her side, I do not follow (until the alarm goes off in the morning). I would be lying if I didn't say this was killing me (I can't eat/sleep myself - even when I am there I don't sleep that well because i have all of this anxiety about when is the 'shoe' going to drop. But then I tell myself, why would she bring you in so deep into her life if her plan was to simply go out with you for a while and then cut you loose? I hate being in love.

 

I like the recommendation about changing things up a bit. More than happy to try it out.

 

wom360 - Oneitis seems like an apt description. I don't know what happened with the guy she chose over me. I think that ended back in 2014 and it had to do with children. She never told me that directly, but at one point she was telling me that she was invited to the wedding of her friend's daughter in 2014 and she wasn't seeing anybody to bring as a 'plus one'. As far as what happened, a girlfriend of hers was going through a break-up and it had to do with the guy's young children. She looked at me and said that she was so glad that I did not have children, that they brought a whole different element to a relationship. I got the feeling that's what happened there. Only one time did that subject ever come up (when we had our talk about 'space) and I told her I was a bit afraid of her because I had no idea what I did wrong the first time. She said I did nothing wrong and asked me, "Who am I with now?"

 

1) This woman is going through menopause. Not being able to sleep may be because of that condition and has nothing to do with you.

 

2) Stop with the interpreting every time she is not being a snuggle bunny to you as "coldness". She is not "rejecting" you by rolling over -- she is trying to get in a position where she can sleep.

 

3) You complain that you "only slept and nothing else" after being up late watching something and defaulted into her bed. Not every night is sex. And its not like you went on a date or did anything to 'connect" more with her.

[KyleWilliam]

Fair enough. I do think I am my own worst enemy at times. A friend of mine said to me that I always seem to go 'dark' whenever something doesn't go exactly as planned with her. I am trying to walk myself back from the edge.

Regarding last night, I had no issue with crashing after watching the game. I didn't mean it to come across that I expect intimacy every night.

 

One last point of context, last weekend was out of this world. It actually felt like it did at the beginning of the relationship, but she said something that really struck me. She told me she was afraid of the impact that she had on my life. Part of tis is my fault because I was constantly telling her that she really changed my world (she did) but I'm guessing that was probably too heavy for her. It didn't ruin our evening, in fact we had a great night (this was two Fridays ago) but it made me little afraid.

 

On our 3-month anniversary (which just occurred), I hand-wrote her a card, and I told her how happy I was that she was in my life and that I loved her. I cut out a little saying from the Internet that said: I didn't say I love you to hear it back; I said it to make sure you knew. And this was/is true. She has not said that to me, and I think in her case, it is far too early. But I do love her. I don't keep telling her that, because I think it adds a little too much weight, but it is the truth. But for some reason I am saddled with these insecurities, like a teenager. This is certainly not my first time at the rodeo, but I can honestly say I have never felt this way about someone before.

 

Just having someone to 'talk' to about this does help. I probably mislabeled this thread because I think it has a lot more to do with my own insecurities than it does any missing affection, although I do believe one may be the by-product of the other.

[abitbroken]

Fair enough. I do think I am my own worst enemy at times. A friend of mine said to me that I always seem to go 'dark' whenever something doesn't go exactly as planned with her. I am trying to walk myself back from the edge.

Regarding last night, I had no issue with crashing after watching the game. I didn't mean it to come across that I expect intimacy every night.

 

One last point of context, last weekend was out of this world. It actually felt like it did at the beginning of the relationship, but she said something that really struck me. She told me she was afraid of the impact that she had on my life. Part of tis is my fault because I was constantly telling her that she really changed my world (she did) but I'm guessing that was probably too heavy for her. It didn't ruin our evening, in fact we had a great night (this was two Fridays ago) but it made me little afraid.

 

On our 3-month anniversary (which just occurred), I hand-wrote her a card, and I told her how happy I was that she was in my life and that I loved her. I cut out a little saying from the Internet that said: I didn't say I love you to hear it back; I said it to make sure you knew. And this was/is true. She has not said that to me, and I think in her case, it is far too early. But I do love her. I don't keep telling her that, because I think it adds a little too much weight, but it is the truth. But for some reason I am saddled with these insecurities, like a teenager. This is certainly not my first time at the rodeo, but I can honestly say I have never felt this way about someone before.

 

Just having someone to 'talk' to about this does help. I probably mislabeled this thread because I think it has a lot more to do with my own insecurities than it does any missing affection, although I do believe one may be the by-product of the other.

 

whoa buddy --- slow down! Its only three months. I wouldn't commemorate 3 month, 4 month anniversaries like you are in high school. I thought you guys were together a much longer time from what you wrote. I don't think the problem is that she isn't affectionate -- its that you are overly mushy and want her to be the same. She is a grown woman, getting to know you again gradually and in good time. Stop saying how happy you are and just keep up with the nice dates, mixing things up, etc. Nice dates can be cheap dates.

 

I think that you should hold off on the "i love yous" --- wait for her to say it. But she is already showing it to you.

 

Its weird that you say "i haven't felt this way before about someone" and on the other hand you tell us you are not happy because she's not handsy. So which is it??

[KyleWilliam]

My apologies about the timing. While we dated for about 3-mos. back in 2012 (hen she left me for another guy), we have had no contact until she reached out to me on LinkedIn this past May. I should also clarify, it wasn't a 3-month anniversary card, though I did give it to her on our 3-mo. anniversary. It was more a 'thank you' for a blissful, unforgettable summer. Again, I am certain I am into this way more than she is. She does leave that card on her nightstand ;-)

 

I will absolutely heed your advice about not telling her how happy I am and what an impact she has made because I think this causes her undo stress. I also know not to use the 'love' word again. I'm thinking back to how things were in the beginning and we really didn't see each other that much, but when we did it was like fireworks. If I think with my head and not my heart, I think I probably came on like freight train. Like you said, she is a mature woman who has lived alone for the past 10 yr. She is the one who told me we need to 'learn how to dance' with each other and that there is 'no finish line' that we are racing towards, I just need to step back and let things progress naturally. The only emotions I can control are my own.

 

As far as how I feel about her, that is a true statement. It's not that I am not happy, I'm just anxious, partly because of what happened 5 yr ago, though I trust her completely. I do not think for a moment there is anybody else involved.

[KyleWilliam]

Just an update on what's been happening. All of last week I stayed in my own house. I wasn't avoiding her, but I knew she was going to the gym and out with friends so I wanted to give her the 'space' she asked for. I did ask her if she wanted to go out on Friday, and she said yes, even suggesting the restaurant. We never made it out on the date, but that was due to logistics and nothing else. But I still went to her house and we had a nice night. She even thanked me for giving her the space last week. I told her that if it was important to her than it was important to me. She also told me that there was something she wanted to get off her chest and said "if this is going to be a long-term relationship, I have to be able to tell you what's on my mind without you getting defensive." I thought that reasonable. The thing that was bothering her was that a couple of weeks back she was having some minor out-patient surgery, and I showed up unannounced to take her there. That did not go over well, although she said nothing at the time. She reasserted that she was very independent and that she did not need me to help her with these types of things. I guess it was a good thing for her to tell me this, and I definitely liked how she said "if this is going to be a long-term relationship" which I took as forward-looking.

 

I think giving her the space is being well-received. We are going away this weekend, but I am also going to break up our routine starting next week. Right now I see her Fri-Mon, and then we are apart Tue-Thu. I am going to heed the advice given here and make it less predictable.

 

I have a question about this. A friend of mine told me that I was 'too available' for her and that there should be times when she wants to get together that I tell her I'm busy doing my own thing. Not in a 'mean' or 'aloof' way, but he seems to think that if she knows that I am always going to be at her beck and call, it makes me less interesting. Any thoughts on this? It seems a little bit like game-playing.

 

Sorry for the long reply.

[AtitAgain]

I have a question about this. A friend of mine told me that I was 'too available' for her and that there should be times when she wants to get together that I tell her I'm busy doing my own thing. Not in a 'mean' or 'aloof' way, but he seems to think that if she knows that I am always going to be at her beck and call, it makes me less interesting. Any thoughts on this? It seems a little bit like game-playing.

 

I think your friend has the right idea, but it shouldnt be game-playing. You literally should be busy enough that you will not be available all the time. Get a life, go to the gym, get a hobby, go out with friends, etc. If your life revolves around her and you are always available for her, then yes, that makes you less interesting. You become just like a puppy that whenever you come home is happily there waiting for you waving his tail.

[KyleWilliam]

So it's been about a month since I last replied. The advice folks on this forum provided about giving her what she asks for (space) certainly seems to have been appropriate. We spent last weekend down in FL visiting her dad (her 22 y/o daughter came with us). And it was a great weekend. At one point, the three of us (me, g/f and her daughter) were sitting outside at our hotel bar and her daughter told me 'thank you', that she had not seen her mom so happy in a very long, long time, and she knew it was b/c of me. That was as good as if my g/f had said 'I love you'. Wow. Was pretty amazing for her to just come out and say that. And the weekend before we went to FL was utterly amazing as well. It literally felt like June-July all over again. A lot of affection, passion...So I feel like I am in a better place now and want to thank folks here.

 

I do have one question, and I realize that we are now only into this 'phase' for a short time, and maybe this is a question that deserves a new thread, but it does look like she really likes this 'weekend only' approach. We text and talk ea. day, but I definitely feel like we probably won't see much of each other during the week. Can this type of arrangement last? I guess I sort of know the answer to this, which is probably - if both people are getting what they want from the relationship, then it definitely can last, as long as everyone is honest about what they want/expect.