Looking for Advice Post Breakup LDR

[thebaker]

So just a summary, it was a long distance relationship. We met lets say in January but didn’t get together for about 6 months after,

We only lived 1hr away by plane. we were together for abt 8mths

it was great, small tiffs here and there but communication was always good and we over came them. We met up once a month. We both did long distance before so knew the challenges, communication was a bit much on my end thinking i was compensating for distance. I was told that it was becoming overwhelming and she wanted time to think, so i gave it. Then it turned to breaking up a week later

she broke up with me basically saying distance was to blame ( combined with work stress at the time).

Moving along its been about 2 months since, I attempted NC but always last about 1 week maybe 1 and a half and then I would send a message just saying hi and wishing her well. She always replies. Only once have I asked to verbally chat where she said she was trying to move on……. but she wants to be friends ( im good with that). Since then we have chatted briefly via messages and its been ok. We haven’t blocked each other from social media and there are photos of us stil up on her Instagram ( so im taking this a s good) Im just looking for advice as to how to navigate this. I really would like to reconcile and I know things take time and staying positive while Bettering myself and being happy as well. Most of the advice I get is to cut contact..

Looking out for some advice

[MissCanuck]

it was great, small tiffs here and there but communication was always good and we over came them. We met up once a month. We both did long distance before so knew the challenges, communication was a bit much on my end thinking i was compensating for distance. I was told that it was becoming overwhelming and she wanted time to think, so i gave it. Then it turned to breaking up a week later

 

Can you clarify what this mean, exactly? What did you say or do?

[thebaker]

Well i was compensating for being away by wanting to be in contact often. We spoke every morning and night and inbetween sometimes during the day.

If she went out id like to know how it went and who went etc I didnt want to come accross like i was keeping tabs but it came accross like that we spoke about it and fixed

my actions ... hope that clarifies

[Hell_On_Heels]

I have the same dynamic in my LDR. My job is often stressful, and I'm tired/drained when I get home. I want to relax, and not talk to anyone for a while (I'm extremely introverted so too much interaction is tiring for me).

 

My BF is by himself for most of his day, so he wants to talk at length every night.

 

I recently did the same thing your GF did. I asked for some time off because it was too much to handle, with other stresses added in. He gave me the time, and would text me saying, "Call me tonight if you want to." I'm pretty sure I would've broken up if he hadn't given me that space/freedom.

 

He hated it, and we have discussed it. We're finding the right balance so that each of us gets what we need. It'd be easier if our need for connection remained constant, but of course life gets all in there (work, kids, families, hobbies), and so our need and our time is constantly changing.

 

He also goes through a series of questions about my day. It would've felt like I was being grilled except he always starts with, "Did you eat?" I've come to realize that his questions are an act of caring, not interrogation. It's how he stays in my daily life, stays connected.

 

We now have a series of questions we ask each day, and we often provide humorous answers.

Did you eat?

Yes, Cheerios.

Cheerios is not eating.

It involved chewing, so it felt like eating

(and we laugh)

 

The biggest thing for us is that he makes it clear he's cool with whatever I do. He asks a lot of questions about my day, but he never judges me. He has the same happy reaction if I'm out with girlfriends or in my pajamas all day. As long as I'm happy, he's happy. At the same time, we are making plans to eventually live together, next year.

 

As for our level of daily interaction, some days we text during the day, sometimes we don't, depending on how busy we are. We talk every night ranging from 15 minutes to an hour. I usually call him because my schedule is less steady than his. If he isn't able to come home on the weekend, we often talk for a couple of hours instead. Our conversations are rarely intense...we're currently having an ongoing fake fight about who has the best dragon, Game of Thrones or Reign of Fire.

 

I can't say where your GF is with her thoughts and feelings towards you. Since you're still in contact, you have an opportunity to show support for her - whether she needs space, or whether the two of you need to come to an agreement on how often you talk, etc.

 

I would not express a desire to reconcile. Instead, keep showing support for her and the things she is doing. If she opens that door, let her know that you want her back, and you want to be a stronger couple. Nothing overwhelming....very open, if that makes sense.

[thebaker]

thanks for your perspective. We are in contact but i initiate. like every 7-10 days Im glad im not blocked completely blocked.

She did say a while ago she appreciated how ive been ( no begging and respecting wishes). I wouuld like if she reached out.

Good call on not expressing a want to make up. I do want to call and say i miss you...but ill wait

thanks again

[Moesta86]

Just wanted to check what your plans are for the future? She says the long distance is the problem. If you she took you back, are you willing to change this? Are you both willing to compromise and move closer where she could have you by her side? I understand calls and text messages makes things easier but if she sees no future perhaps she doesn't want to waste anymore of her time... and or yours? I wish you all the best in sorting this one out and hopefully you get the answers that you need to be able to do that.

[thebaker]

Just wanted to check what your plans are for the future? She says the long distance is the problem. If you she took you back, are you willing to change this? Are you both willing to compromise and move closer where she could have you by her side? I understand calls and text messages makes things easier but if she sees no future perhaps she doesn't want to waste anymore of her time... and or yours? I wish you all the best in sorting this one out and hopefully you get the answers that you need to be able to do that.

 

 

With regards to the future. I have a business which technically i can still operate. I am very willing to make changes and give up everything to be there and create a future together. I would like to believe that she still has feelings for me. and part of her not reaching out is just her keeping herself from showing it.( again this is my belief). I initiate the conversations and it stems from gut feelings to reach out.

There are no rule books by which to abide when it comes to these situations, everyone is different. Get advice yes but go with your gut and how you feel.