Still miss her like crazy!

[Ben9394]

There is not a day that goes by that i dont think about her, its been a month and it feels like its been forever, i still cant come to terms with how and why it ended this way, i still wake up and look foward to talking to her, to tell her i love her like i would every day, to go from being so happy or so i thought, or so i was told should i say, To literally nothing, like we never even happened... i was told a fair few years back by someone to never fall in love with someone who is also your best friend, why? Because when it ends you lose that person you love, that person you have a burning desire to see happy and do your best for them, but you also loose a best friend and thats worse, to lose someone you thought would always be there to listen to you, someone you always thought you could trust with anything and someone you thought would never hurt you and just forget about you and move on. I was still young when i got told this, probably 15/16, had never fallen in love and thought to myself what the s he on about, but now i realise what they meant, when he said you lose everything he was 100% right because you do, she was my world and i

genuinely thought i was hers too, Theres no way to contact her now which i suppose is for the best because deep down, although i dont want to admit it, i know i mean nothing to her now and if i could talk to her ide either get ignored or i would get blunt answers and not hear what i expected. Thats tough... to know someone who said all the right things, made you beleive you were important, helped fix you, helped build your confidence back, told you all the right things about wanting a future together, no longer wants to even engage in a conversation thats a horrible feeling and what i have been through i would never wish on anyone no matter who they are. The choking on your words trying to tell people how what why and when, the shaking and anxiety when you see them or drive past them, feeling sick thinking what little i actually got told, what else was i lied to about, how little did i actually mean to her when she was saying all these things to me, whispering in my ear she loved me and saw a future of us two together, the truth of how someone feels will always come out, the thought of them in a place now where you dont exist is horrible, you managed without them before but now you just struggle coming to terms with the fact they dont want you anymore, when they were and to an extent still are, everything you wanted, from the start i told myself not to get too attatched but i couldnt help it everything about her i loved, even down to the little details, it drives you crazy, i have no way of stopping myself think of all this torturing myself every single ing day. Still no sleep still crying at night in my room by myself all alone because youve been made to feel like you caused it all punishing yourself thinking if i had done something different would she still be here. when during it all i was told i had done nothing wrong, i did so much for her - bent over backwards to help her in every way - was told she appreciated everything i did and its how she wanted to be treated.

I should be moving on, like she has but clearly she meant alot more to me than i ever did to her, shed tell me about how her friends had there hearts broken and how horrible it was and i remember thinking she cares alot, she wont do anything like that to me...she did, she told me about ex boyfriends and how it didnt work and i said are we different and shed reassure me that what we had was different, special, better than any previous relationship.

i just cant i had found the girl i was happy to spend the rest of my life with and she just ripped that from me with no real explanation im heartbroken and dont think ill ever heal properly from this. I cant talk to anyone as i feel ill look weak still hooked on someone who just got up and left without a second thought about me, i quite often lie in bed and just write and write and write down how im feeling like im talking to her or someone who wants to listen but it gets me nowhere. I want her back, i want the old happy us back i hate this

[loip9114]

How long ago was the breakup? It sounds very fresh still.

One thing I believe you might start doing to make it easier for yourself is to give yourself some space and slack. It seems that you are really hard on yourself in this whole breakup. This is the time to really be your own best friend, be your own lover as it were. All the things and signs of affection you'd normally want to give to her. Give them to yourself, talk to yourself when you're down as if you are comforting someone you care about deeply. Also try to stop focussing on 'moving on', this is of course a point were you would like to be at this moment in time. But you are not there yet nor are you ready to be there. If you rush yourself or push yourself to get there you might just make it longer for yourself. If you focus on the step by step process you might find it a lot easier to get through. Focus on where you are now and what you feel now. As you said you write it down. Look at those feelings and see if they become less or find ways to give them more expression. Sometimes writing helps, but also crying, shouting, screaming, dancing or shadow-boxing might all be ways to get it out. Try other things as well.

I liked one phrase that said 'If you are using a technique/tactic for weeks/months now and it does not seem to get the desired effect. Thinking I need to do it harder, better, faster and stronger, just might not get the desired effect. Possibly it is time to adjust your tactic'. For me this meant to shift from constantly obsessing and doing everything to release the tension, emotions and feelings to letting time take over and trying to be patient. So possibly the tactic you are doing now has worked for a while, but it ran its' course for now and you might need something else.

 

Also accept that all these feelings you are feeling are natural and all part of healing and grieving. Wanting her back, feeling guilt and shame, sadness, anger, rejection betrayal etc. They are all part of this process. You need to go through them all!

Another possibly helpful tip is to try and stop yourself from going in the 'what-ifs' and 'why's' for now. 'What if' is in my opinion never a very useful question, as you are thinking about what if I did this or that? Would it be better? You cannot know! you had to make a step a decision, and you decided to do one thing. You cannot change what has happened, so ruminating about if you'd just done that all would be fine is not helping you. You didn't do it, accept that. Live with it (easier said than done), but do not torment yourself thinking that if only you'd have said 'I love you' 10 times more a day you'd still have her. Most likely that's not it. Most likely it is a whole pile of reasons and things that didn't work why the breakup happened. Knowing what went wrong and how it went wrong, and what you can do better is definitely useful to know. But for now, you should not bother with that for now. To truly see what went wrong you need to have clarity, and that only comes when you're healed from this heartbreak.

 

Also a tip I gave someone else is try and start updating your vision of her. The girl you currently have in your head is your 'girlfriend' the memories of her, while those memories should always stay there, you need to update your perception of this person. Because the one you love, the girl you want to be with is in your head. That girl is your 'girlfriend', that's the one you want back. But unfortunately, she no longer exists. There is this new person there, which is the girl you now know as your 'ex'. This person bears a striking resemblence to your 'girlfriend', but is not your girlfriend, she's your 'ex'. And this ex is the one that currently exists in this world. Your girlfriend does not. As you said your 'ex' might not care about you, might not even respond to your texts. That is the person that is here in the present. You're 'girlfriend' evolved into your 'ex' and by doing so stopped exsiting. The one you want back (your girlfriend) is no longer there, the one you DO NOT want back (your ex) is the only that you could get back at this point. I hope you can understand where I am trying to go with this, but update the vision of this person in your head. Because you are in love with that image, but it is outdated.

 

And about dating best-friends, it can definitely be very tricky. But my ex also became my bestfriend during the relationship. To me it also feels like I've lost my best-friend in the whole world, but we were friends before the relationship.

 

I hope you can do something with my rambling, that it might give you an idea where to start/go. I wish you all the best and remember you can do this! Do not think you are lost or broken. It might feel like it, but you are not. You are currently here and you are whole. You're just really really hurt.

[misterjister]

I'm genuinely feeling for you Ben and I'm sorry you're having to go through this right now. I've been there myself a couple of times and it takes a long time to heal from the pain you are going through.

 

All you can do right now i think is to try and improve yourself in anyway you can. Do it for yourself firstly. Anything that you can do whether its stopping biting your nails, buying some new clothes, getting a haircut, however small the things are just try to make things better anyway you can for now.

 

It might seem odd but when the bad feelings got on top of me so bad one thing I would do is some press ups. I'd just drop and do a set of 10 at first then it was 20 (im not a keep fit fanatic so it was a challenge) On my worst days i was doing well over 100 press ups in a day/evening.

Or maybe go for a walk. Listening to the radio or just tunes helped me a bit too sometimes.

 

I think you've got to try and distract yourself sometimes cos the feelings take over your life man, and it's not good long term I think you you know it isnt.

 

You'll still have the thoughts even when doing other things but by forcing your brain to have to cope with other stuff it can lessen the intensity.

 

Sending good vibes to you fella.

[Ben9394]

Thanks for all the positive replies folks, its nice to know theres somewhere i can open up about how im feeling and know theres people who have felt the same and willing to listen and help so thankyou

Ive had previous relationships before but this one i am struggling with, i think im struggling so much at the moment because my work is super busy at the moment (i am a farmer) and im working 7 days a week 15/16 hour days and whilst alot of people think great it will take your mind off it, it doesnt, i sit in a tractor all day thinking and re-analysing everything untill the point i make myself feel so down about it all thats all it is is a long old day on your own with nothing but time to think.

When im not busy i go to the gym usually but i just have no free time at the moment and it couldnt of all happened at a worse time!

I had a bad breakup before this one and was very reserved about opening up about it to her but i did and she showed me she cared, gave me confidence in her that i could trust her and she went and did the same thing.

She is an ex and not the person i thought she was, certainly not the girl i fell so in love with and i tell myself all the negative points but it takes one thing to remind me of a positive we had and im back to square one

I do feel im getting better im certainly not the person i was this time 4 weeks ago, i have bad days, esoecially the last few. Im just gratefull theres people to listen to me even if its just rambling

Thanks

[ShatteredMan]

Ben: Its only been a month. We've all felt the pain and anxiety that you're experiencing right now.

 

So here comes the part where you go No Contact:

 

1) Disable your Facebook and social media accounts immediately. This will keep you from creeping her site hoping to see what she's up to. It doesn't matter and it will multiply your pain exponentially if you see something that further triggers your anxiety. Furthermore, your friends that want to get a hold of you know how to do this. You do not need social media as a communication channel. (Just look at what it has done for Trump!)

 

2) Do not stalk her by finding ways to bump into her around town

 

3) Don't talk about her or try to find out what she's doing from mutual friends. This will send signals indirectly to her that you're all busted up and displaying weak behavior to them....which in turn will reinforce her decision to break up with as being a good thing.

 

4) If you don't work out or have some form of a physical activity that you regularly do, start doing this immediately. Think of it as an investment in yourself in terms of bettering yourself in terms of being able to attract the next great woman that you will bring into your life. (And this will happen if and when you're ready)

 

5) Don't try to date anyone for a while. Let your mind and heart heal. As someone who tried date half the women in the city (erroneously thinking that it would "fix" my broken heart), I can tell you that its just a waste of time and money. Anyone you sleep with at this point will not fill the space in your mind and heart that you gave to your ex.

 

6) Start hanging out with your buddies more, but avoid talking about her. Your friends are not therapists, they don't want to be therapists, and you're going to ruin their good times with your lamentations. (I know, I did this...)

 

7) If you are unable to sleep, eat , go to work/school (keep going at all costs!), please seek counseling through a professional therapist. As I mentioned previously, don't rely on family, friends or coworkers for this. A professional will be a non-partisan observer and will help you work through this situation. Asking for professional help, doesn't mean you're crazy or weak. It takes a lot of strength to ask for help when you're going through this.

 

8- Avoid booze and drugs. I didn't drink for four months after my break up and I'm glad. It helped me work through my issues with a clear head. Besides, when you're drunk or f'd up, you just wake up feeling like hell and your pain and misery will be laying there right beside you.

 

9) Start reading books on relationships (in addition to any therapy you choose to get). I can send you a list of books that I found helpful.

 

Speaking for many of us who have shared our painful, sad stories out here, we feel for you and are rooting for you but don't think you're out of the woods yet. You need to choose how you're going to deal with this ordeal, what kind of man you want to be when you've dealt with the pain and healed from it....and what kind of woman does the newer, better man (that you will be eventually) want in his life. Hopefully it will a woman that is everything your ex is not and never could be.....