so, why am i making this post?

[quark]

You know .. I was going to create another account to save myself from the embarrassment of those who may remember my posts from years ago. I am still with the same guy, still contemplating ending my relationship on a regular basis. My last post was in September of 2014. Again, how I was just ready to give up. A feeling that has plagued me intermittently throughout MOST of our relationship. There was always something that stopped me in my tracks from ending it though. A really good talk we had .. or a vacation we had planned .. Well, in October of 2015 he proposed to me. In the middle of the NYC Halloween parade. I said yes. I mean ... I still had reservations but in a situation like that you sort of have to?

 

I'm making this post because I feel like I have finally lost my feelings for him. You can't deny the evidence. The constant problems going years back. We never ended up going to counseling. I was close to setting everything up, but when he didn't seem interested in taking it seriously, or helping me find a counselor, my stubbornness took over and I said "f* it, why am I always the one who has to do the work??"

 

Believe it or not, his jealousy has actually settled down. But, we still have compatibility issues. I've all but convinced myself that it's totally over. This feeling is probably being expedited because I am crushing hard on someone else. I've tried to see if it won't go away--but it's been months. I've been living in my head a lot lately. Day dreaming about this crush. I missed my exit on the highway the other day. I've gone to bed thinking about him and woken up thinking about him.

 

So -- we're now engaged. We haven't set up any plans for a wedding at all. I tell people it's financial. And also, I have a brother who gets out of jail in April that I would like to have there. I don't wear my ring. In reality, it is a little loose on me and I have a knack for losing jewelry which scares me.

 

Why am I making this post? I don't know. Looking for advice on how to end a long term relationship, I guess. Engaged. Live together. Have a dog. How do I deal with the crushing feeling that everyone will judge me? Or pity me? How will I deal with his inevitable breakdown because he seems absolutely clueless that I am unhappy. I feel hasty for possibly pursuing this crush, but I just feel like it's what I want right now. And shouldn't I be doing what I want and not what I THINK I should be doing? Because I really feel like part of my dedication to this relationship has been adhering to what people will expect of me. I'm 32 .. maybe this is my mid-life crisis? I'm just starting to think that life is too short to not seize opportunities and do things you love and be with people who make you happy.

[Keyman]

Honestly, this should have been over back then. I don't knowhow you have managed to struggle on since then with only small rays of hope. Even accepting a proposal? Perhaps you have been fooling yourself into thinking it could get better.

 

As for the crushing on someone else, this is your bodies way of telling you that you need an out. There is a void inside you that needs filling and it has found someone.

 

So, what you need to do is end it. You have to put on your big girl pants and just do it. This process has run its course and it needs to end AND you are the only one that can do it. No doubt he will just keep drifting along.

 

Leave him. It needs to happen, we know it, you certainly know it, he probably even knows it. Do it. Then when it is done, do not go anywhere near another man for quite some time. You need to deal with and heal from this last situation. Get some more counselling and work on yourself and your happiness.

[quark]

It's like it suddenly just hit me hard that I kinda want out. My heart is beating fast and I have a pit in my stomach as I read articles about breaking off long term relationships.

In regards to why I accepted.. it honestly took me by surprise and there was so much going on too. I actually tried to give the ring back to him not even a month after it happened, because he said if I drink too much after work and drive home intoxicated again that we are over. Not that I disagree with those actions being horrible and immature..but who says that?! I said "maybe you misunderstood the 'death do us part' thing when you got on one knee?' and said the ring belongs with him and not me.

Also..my feelings change so dramatically that I scare myself that what i'm feeling isn't real. One day I could be thinking about the wedding or a possible business together and the following day wanting to end it and jump ship.

 

The place is mine, so I don't have to worry about going anywhere but I almost feel like it would be easier if I could be the one to pack up. Now I'll have to sit here as he gathers his things. What if he straight up refuses? lol What about the dog? Where will he go? His mom lives fairly close and I assume she will take him in. What will my mom say?

I can't guarantee that I won't be spending time with my crush. I wouldn't be looking for anything serious, but I do like to spend time around him.

Thanks for your reply!

[Keyman]

The place is mine, so I don't have to worry about going anywhere but I almost feel like it would be easier if I could be the one to pack up. Now I'll have to sit here as he gathers his things. What if he straight up refuses? lol What about the dog? Where will he go? His mom lives fairly close and I assume she will take him in. What will my mom say?

 

For most of these questions, you do not need to find answers for and even asking them has the potential to cause this to be delayed longer than it already has been. Everything should be focused on him leaving and anything else can be sorted out afterwards. But once he is out, then you are five steps in the right direction and you can sort out the dog and the like.

 

If he refuses to leave and his name is not on the lease, serve him eviction papers and then call the police.

[quark]

I'm stalling. I just don't know when the best time is. (There isn't, I know) He is downstairs sleeping on the couch because I wake up early tomorrow and he doesn't want to keep me up. His offer *shrug*

He said we should make plans to visit Spain next year. Somebody kill me. I can't handle blind siding him like this...but it's not like everything is okay.

Unless his idea of okay is not having sex in months and not even touching much in general. And hardly making conversation. Trying to convince myself that theres no way he could be happy in this relationship either.

Then I feel shallow, because I know part of my growing distaste for him is the weight he has put on. It's been 6 years since we started dating, so i'm sure i'm not the same size as before either. But I try atleast. I go to the gym (i asked him to join with me, no dice) I try to make healthy food choices and prep (he comes home with fast food and always wants to order pizza). I just feel like I'd reach goals and be in better shape without his interference.