Friends are tired of listening to me

[lizard1022]

I fear I am on the verge of a breakup and the anxiety is killing me. Together 2+ years. He has complicated family situation, has become impatient and tired. We bicker a lot because of it. Had a blow out a week ago. Talked with him a couple of days ago...said he didn't know what he was going through, didn't know what he wanted or how he was feeling. Admitted he missed me. Said we need to talk. Haven't heard about getting together to do so yet. The anxiety is the worst. Is he just finding the right time to drop the other shoe?

[MissCanuck]

What types of things do you bicker about, and what was the most recent big blowout related to?

 

I'm afraid to say that "we need to talk" is usually not good news. I would set a day and time with him to do so, so that you are not sitting in limbo wondering what is happening.

[lizard1022]

We bicker about his family situation. He has two grown family members (not his children) living with him, his ailing mother, our dog and one of the family members recently brought an additional dog. We had the blownout after his sister and her family showed up nearly unexpectedly and we cooked for 12 people. When everyone was gone, I was trying to relay some of the funny events and frustrations to him. He has been drinking and had no patience. In a nutshell, he thinks I do not fit into his family as it is currently. He feels responsible for everyone and has poor boundaries. It takes a toll of his mom, him and us.

[lizard1022]

He is less patient, therefore snaps at everyone, I feel disrespected. Told him so, he cannot believe that I think he would try to be disrespectful or not trust my opinions. Said he cannot apologize to me everyday. Said he agreed that we definitely needed to talk. Told him I thought it could be works theough. He said I may be right but was not overly positive.

Said we would talk this weekend but haven't heard yet.

[lizard1022]

Hmm, if he need space give it to him if the issue is hot don't meddle in especially family related thing. Just tell him if he is ready to talk you were just there and waiting for him.

Thank you. I just feel so devastated. I've known him my whole life and we finally got together a couple of years ago. I know I can do this so much better. I don't know if he's upset with his family situation also or more upset with me for not being more supportive. I'm so afraid he's thrown in the towel but just fears having to have the conversation.

[MissCanuck]

He is less patient, therefore snaps at everyone, I feel disrespected. Told him so, he cannot believe that I think he would try to be disrespectful or not trust my opinions. Said he cannot apologize to me everyday. Said he agreed that we definitely needed to talk. Told him I thought it could be works theough. He said I may be right but was not overly positive.

Said we would talk this weekend but haven't heard yet.

 

This stood out to me.

 

Does he actually apologize for something every day, or is this a figure of speech? He sounds drained but caught in the middle at the same time. Who lives with him, and why?

[lizard1022]

Plus I feel lost. Can't seem to get productive and get anything done. Just want to curl up in a ball. I know staying busy, etc is the right thing to do but I feel hollow.

[lizard1022]

His elderly mom lives with him (father died several years ago). She has dementia and literally follows him around the house. Two grown nephews live w him bc they had fallen on hard times. One has been there for 2+ years, the other 8 months though it was supposed to be for only a couple of weeks. The one nephew needed a place for his dog "temporarily" so she's there as well. Two college age daughters live on and off with him.

I don't think he is apologizing daily but i believe his perception. The apologybwouod be over me feeling like the one he takes things out on. Little patience or gratitude.

[lizard1022]

The other family members do little to help with mom. He has a sister who often visits w her family (the parents of the boys staying there) and she does little if anything to help.

[lizard1022]

I think I try to point out how this situation can be much better balanced and managed but he resigns himself to thinking he has no choice. Says I don't fit into the current situation. He's a major compartmentalizer and can appear very happy but I think he has mild depression. Everyone loves him.

[MissCanuck]

He has a lot on his plate. I can understand why his patience is low, as he feels a sense of obligation both to his family and to you.

 

I am not sure, do you live with him as well? If not, does he ever spend time with you alone at your place?

 

My boyfriend also has his elderly mother and her disabled sister living with him. He took them in when his parents divorced a few years ago, as they had no other place to go. I applaud him for it, though it can be difficult at times with them always around. But, I know they are part of the deal - until alternative arrangements are made, they're not going anywhere. I can either accept it, or not. Because I love him, I do the best I can with it. We spend time at my house when possible, so we can be alone.

[lizard1022]

I do not live there. We spend less time at my house than before because we got a dog about three months ago. Dog is not allowed at my place. We started spending all of our time at his place and that's when things completely bubbled over. I try to do things for him to give him a break but I'm afraid it may have been too little too late.

I just don't know how I will say goodbye to all of our friends, his family, his children, our dog. We live very close to one another. Reminders all over the place.

[MissCanuck]

Wait and see what he has to say before assuming you'll be saying goodbye to everyone.

 

But ask yourself too how well this was really working for you. It doesn't appear as though his living circumstances will be changing any time soon. Would you have been able to continue as is?

[lizard1022]

At times I felt like I could stick it out bc I really do enjoy them the majority of the time. Other times I think about what it would be like if they moved on. Mostly I just feel regret that I didn't support him in the way he needed. Feeling very sad and wishing I would have been given another chance to be more supportive and less judgmental. Said we would talk over the weekend. Haven't heard...he easily gets caught up in other things but was hoping he'd touch base. The waiting is so hard. Now I'm trying to figure out if not hearing yet means he is conflicted or if he just hasn't gotten around yet to telling me he's done.

[lizard1022]

It took everything to get through the weekend waiting to talk, and now nothing. He promised we would talk and waiting for that text to get together seemed like an eternity. He is not one to just ghost me but I feel sick I do not have hope for this anymore.

[MissCanuck]

Why not just call him and ask when is a good time for him to talk? It's not unreasonable to communicate about this, particularly after he said you'd talk this weekend and then didn't follow up.

[RainyCoast]

if he literally said he thinks you don't fit into his family situation, he was likely suggesting a breakup.

 

i think he has so much going on, he hasn't the energy and attention to extend to you. you are resentful and feeling redundant, because, well. you are. i can't imagine caring for that many people and keeping a partner happy. this works if the other is beyond patient and self-sufficient, if not helpful.

 

i'll be damned if he isn't burnt out.

 

if you have indeed not been supportive of him, and then you also complain of the lack of energy/affection spent on you, i can see why it's too much. when times get tough, you want either someone who is helpful or at least tolerant, or no one. you don't want someone who adds their expectations and needs to the pile, while making you feel bad for managing a chaotic situation poorly.

 

please don't barrage him with comments on how he could keep this "better balanced and managed", especially not coupled with "if he were more proactive instead of this resigned". are you caring for his family? are you keeping this balanced and managed?

 

don't be an armchair critic, this is a heavy, messy load he has and he's trying his best. now i do believe one doesn't get much from a relationship where the other is too depleted and busy and stressed to leave. it's okay to expect...more, but not of someone who can't give it. so if the situation leaves you with much to be desired, perhaps you should move on for both of yours' sake.

[Prolargent 5x5]

Set a time between you and talk about your problems at the earliest time

[lizard1022]

I appreciate everyone's honesty I see where I have been selfish and judgmental. I still get a lot of good out of the relationship: I believe he does too. I would love to reengage with this new insight. I would love to do it differently. I do not know if he will give me that opportunity.

[lizard1022]

Wish me luck...asked me to go to dinner tomorrow! I will keep all of your thoughts in mind. Thank you so much for responding to my need.

[RainyCoast]

good luck lizard, thinking of you!

[lizard1022]

THANK you!

[lizard1022]

I am so happy to share that I was able to express my mistakes and regrets to him. We are moving forward with better understanding. I know that we do not know one another, but when I needed an ear and some clarity, you were all there. I am grateful for you and second chances.

[RainyCoast]

that's a good second start lizard! wishing you both well.