How to reconnect with my ex bf after 4 months

[janedawson]

So I started hanging out with this guy I knew for almost a year but we only got closer in the end of last year and ended up dating for 4 months and never made the relationship truly oficial. We had lots of things in common and I never felt so good with someone. But after 4 months he broke up with me saying "it's not you, it's me"/"still want to stay friends", saying that he couldn't be physical with anyone by that time (he was going through some family issues).

 

Since then (it's almost been 4 months) we talked little from time to time and even go out as friends once, but since I still had feelings for him this situation really hurt me and I decided to back off for the past month. We even had a drunk conversation when I told him I still liked him and asked him to tell me to give up and he did tell me that "nothing was going to happen between us again". I thought I'll never hear from him again but on the past few weeks he left some public comments on my social media and even started a private conversation but then stopped answering and this made me think a lot of him again… some weeks ago we sent me a sweet happy birthday message but then didn't bother to continue conversation when I thanked him.

 

I know deep down I still have some feelings from him and I really want to keep him in my life and still feel the need to hang out with him. So I've been thinking of asking him out to a concert next week but I'm afraid he'll just say no and I'll make a fool of myself. What do you think? Some advice on how to reconnect?

 

Ps: for those who believe in astrology (I find it funny honestly, I'm a cancer girl and he is a taurus guy)

[wis]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds almost identical to what I just went through with a girl. It's so hard. I would say do something before he finds someone else. Couldn't hurt to ask, right? Just be prepared to be rejected, like happened to me several times.

[ThatwasThen]

I know deep down I still have some feelings from him and I really want to keep him in my life and still feel the need to hang out with him.

That's because you are still in touch with him and allowing him to keep you emotionally bonded.

 

ZERO contact is the way for you to get over someone who has clearly told you "nothing was going to happen between us again".

Start your journey of rehabbing from your addiction to him with cold-turkey, zero contact withdrawl. Soon enough your "need to hang out with him" will have faded to indifference to him, which is where you need to end up on that journey.

 

Start heading for that blissful place called "indifference" so that you can be open in heart and mind when a good guy comes your way. You'll not see him if you're stagnating still in your addiction.

 

P.S. You don't try with someone who has told you outright that nothing is going to happen with you again. Trying with someone who has told you that is just being abusive to YOURSELF. Have enough self respect to know you are above being demoted from romantic girlfriend to just friend.

[Tomthumb88]

Sound advice above me but I'm slightly less severe...

I'd say to communicate to him (briefly) how you feel about him, that your willing to try to make things work and that he should contact you if he wants to try again.

Then proceed to go NC and go on as though you'll never hear from him again.

[ThatwasThen]

Sound advice above me but I'm slightly less severe...

I'd say to communicate to him (briefly) how you feel about him, that your willing to try to make things work and that he should contact you if he wants to try again.

Then proceed to go NC and go on as though you'll never hear from him again.

She already did that:

We even had a drunk conversation when I told him I still liked him and asked him to tell me to give up and he did tell me that "nothing was going to happen between us again".

[Tomthumb88]

Somehow I missed that...

at least he's forthright unlike my ex.

Ok.. forget what I said above.

[janedawson]

But since that drunk conversation (where he did said he wanted to be friends but every time we talked the conversation ended up in talking about the past relationship) I did the NC thing and he started commenting and liking my social media posts, send me a message to show me a song out of the blue, stuff like that and I though "maybe he could be friends" again… my friends said he's just keeping in touch to remember me of his existence because he sort of "communicates" but not in a way that gives space for us to meet or hang out again, if that is the true he's just playing with my emotions and is hard for me to believe he is actually doing that.

[janedawson]

I'm sorry you went through an identical situation, it really sucks. I think I will give this one last try… if it doesn't work or if it still hurts seeing that he's not that interested anymore I'll give up for good

[Tomthumb88]

Mine returned, we had a few long conversations where we obviously had a connection and chemistry and it looked like we were finally moving back into sync and.... then we were right back in the low value limited contact you are speaking of.

Now I'm back in NC and moving forward as though we'll never speak again.

I'd ignore all that LC because it's not enough to either give you what you deserve nor is it completely letting you go.

I still have strong feeling for my ex so I feel I left the door open and you could do the same but don't expect anything or you'll never be able to get on with your life.

[ThatwasThen]

I'm sorry you went through an identical situation, it really sucks. I think I will give this one last try… if it doesn't work or if it still hurts seeing that he's not that interested anymore I'll give up for good

 

Gah! Why are so many women so easily made to lose respect for themselves? If you keep inserting yourself in someone's life that doesn't want to be there the way you want them to be, you are opening yourself up to be taken advantage of.

[shessofly]

"nothing is ever going to happen between us again"

 

I'm sorry you are hurting, but this is quite clear. The romantic side of this relationship is over. Go NC, stop following him on social media, unfriend him or whatever, so you can move on. Since you have been on friendly terms let him know you need space to move on and let him know you will not respond to any contact until you are past the point of wanting him back. It's torture to remain in contact with someone who will not reciprocate your feelings.

[janedawson]

Gah! Why are so many women so easily made to lose respect for themselves? If you keep inserting yourself in someone's life that doesn't want to be there the way you want them to be, you are opening yourself up to be taken advantage of.

 

I do agree with you. My point here was to approach him as a friend to spend some time again with him like that and maybe in the long term use this to reconnect in a romantic way if we both felt like. But I would be lying if I said I didn't have some feelings for him. Deep down I know I'm not in a perfect time of my life to have a relationship but I wouldn't like to lose him forever. I don't know if this is making any sense

[janedawson]

"nothing is ever going to happen between us again"

 

I'm sorry you are hurting, but this is quite clear. The romantic side of this relationship is over. Go NC, stop following him on social media, unfriend him or whatever, so you can move on. Since you have been on friendly terms let him know you need space to move on and let him know you will not respond to any contact until you are past the point of wanting him back. It's torture to remain in contact with someone who will not reciprocate your feelings.

 

He didn't say "ever" but yes he was clear about him not having romantic feelings at the time, but then why keep commenting my social media and sending me meaningless messages after that? He could've just back off for good…

 

But I guess is like you said I have to tell him a need more space, no communication at all from his side.

[ThatwasThen]

He kept sending you crumbs because you agreed to be just friends.

 

You do what you want, luv but know that you are prolonging the healing process by trying to keep him in your life. It is really quite impossible to be just friends with someone that you want more with. How are you going to feel when he tells you he's met someone new and contacts you ~ his buddy to tell you the good news?

 

If he changes his mind about being your boyfriend, he knows where to find you and since he is the one that broke up with you, it's up to him to do the pursuing of you back. If he actually does that, at least you'll know he is into it. Don't mistake his crumbs and "meaningless messages" as romantic interest.

[janedawson]

He kept sending you crumbs because you agreed to be just friends.

 

You do what you want, luv but know that you are prolonging the healing process by trying to keep him in your life. It is really quite impossible to be just friends with someone that you want more with. How are you going to feel when he tells you he's met someone new and contacts you ~ his buddy to tell you the good news?

 

If he changes his mind about being your boyfriend, he knows where to find you and since he is the one that broke up with you, it's up to him to do the pursuing of you back. If he actually does that, at least you'll know he is into it. Don't mistake his crumbs and "meaningless messages" as romantic interest.

 

Yes. you're right. I think I'll give up on the "concert" idea and focus on other things and other people in my life, 4 months is a long time I shouldn't keep this going on… He does know where to find me if he changes his mind. But if he continues with his "crumbs" should I just ignore it until he stops? Or is better to tell him "don't talk to me unless you want to give us a second chance"?

[ThatwasThen]

Yes. you're right. I think I'll give up on the "concert" idea and focus on other things and other people in my life, 4 months is a long time I shouldn't keep this going on… He does know where to find me if he changes his mind. But if he continues with his "crumbs" should I just ignore it until he stops? Or is better to tell him "don't talk to me unless you want to give us a second chance"?

Just keep sending him an appropriate emoji whenever he sends you some crumbs.

 

Actually, if his crumbs are keeping you stagnated then next time he sends you something you can certainly tell him to please stop contact as its just preventing you from moving on.

[janedawson]

Just keep sending him an appropriate emoji whenever he sends you some crumbs.

 

Actually, if his crumbs are keeping you stagnated then next time he sends you something you can certainly tell him to please stop contact as its just preventing you from moving on.

 

I like the emoji tip

 

Thanks a lot for your advice!