Should I try to move on?

[mochiparakeet]

tl;dr - I love him, he may or may not love me, it doesn't matter because he's with someone else he'll probably never leave. All I want is some honesty and a friendship. I don't know if I can obtain that

 

I have a close friend I've known for six years now. We're both university students and currently live in different towns. I told him a few years ago he was like a brother to me and I really appreciated him. I was in the middle of working up the courage to end a long-term relationship that wasn't working out. Even though the guy I was dating was his best friend (and they're both still inseparable) he told me to do what makes me happy and leave if it wasn't right for me. He stood by my before hand, and got me through it after the breakup.

 

 

To be honest, he's tried to break me up with or push me away from every guy who's gotten to close to me. To be fair, I tend to have bad taste in guys. The nicest guy I've ever been with was honestly his best friend, but it really didn't work out.

 

In the process was when we got pretty close. We'd text a lot about politics, television shows, pretty much anything. He was normally a pretty reserved and stand-offish type person so I it was pretty cool he had chosen to trust me and be friends. We had always picked on each other a bit, and were a bit sarcastic and liked to have a good debate (in a fun way), but I wouldn't call it flirting.

 

Needless to say, I fell in love with him. I already had really strong feelings for him even before I was dating his best friend (who was also one of my best guy friends) But man...this really sealed the deal. He was a very Mr Darcy-type, which is and has always been my kryptonite.

 

The issue is he's dating my best female friend. They've been dating and madly in love for two years, and had massive crushes on each other a year before that. I would never ever do anything to hurt her. She is the kindest, most gentle and selfless person and I planned on never acting on these feelings. I completely kept them to myself for years and didn't tell anyone.

 

Then this past year I started dating this other guy. I knew right off the bat he was a little ...much. But I liked him a lot. We had a very fast relationship and he seemed just as enamored with me as I was with him. My friends and family all immediately disliked him. But I persisted. He was really crude, sexist, and downright malicious but I thought he'd mellow out with time. I know, I was being blind.

 

So I introduced my new boyfriend to the first guy. The one I had had feelings for forever. And my old friend immediately loathed him for good reasons, I might add. He could tell my new boyfriend thought very little of me and was off his rocker. He messaged my new boyfriend for a few days after they met, feeling him out and pretending to get along with him and then sent me all the messages. The things my new boyfriend admitted to him were deplorable (he admitted to being a proud racist and sexist and pro-Hitler etc). And yet I still defended him for some stupid reason. The boyfriend also said some pretty unfavorable things about me.

 

I ended up breaking up with the guy. And again, my friend stuck with me through the whole thing and gave me advice. Then over the course of six weeks the boyfriend got in my head and convinced me to get back together with him. He was a really good emotional manipulator, and I was trying to "make my own decisions" by not telling any of my friends about it.

 

My friend was really upset. The rest of my friends thought I was being stupid, but generally had a "whatever, its your life" type attitude. Not him; he was furious I didn't tell him personally we were back together and instead he found out by social media. He said I was lying by omission. He was mad all that time he spent helping me out of that relationship was wasted and had little respect his opinion. I stood by my decision, and he quit talking to me. For half a year. Completely iced me out.

 

Meanwhile, things got bad for me. My boyfriend was extremely emotionally manipulative and abusive. I was living alone at the time and worked 35+ hours and in school full time. I was separated from all my friends and family except my boyfriend, and on top of everything I was suicidally depressed. I ended up checking myself into a mental clinic where I was medically diagnosed with servere general anxiety disorder, severe depression, and mild social anxiety. Of course, my boyfriend said it was "all in my head" and I was "making something out of nothing" that I should "stop complaining and telling him every little thing" and of course my counselor "knew there was nothing wrong with me and just wanted my money/to get me on pills to mess me up". I tried talking to my mom but my boyfriend insisted she was paranoid and hovering and was only trying to control my life. Which, in actuality, was what he was. My friends were really scared for me but none of them could reach out to me without him knowing or get me alone without him. He was taking over my life.

 

I finally found the courage to break up with him. I came home from school, quit my job, started to get my mental health back on track and was seeing all my old friends. I'm happier and in a much better place. Meanwhile, my old friend ended up reaching out and bluntly apologizing for cutting me out and getting angry at me (only after his girlfriend/my best friend finally caught wind of what was going on and suggested it to him). I ended up confessing to him that I had feelings for him only for the sake of being honest and trusting people again - something I've been working on as a part of recovery. He said he already knew. We agreed to mend things between us and he said things were better. But we're still not talking like we used to (we're actually not really talking at all, despite my very desperate-looking constant attempts) and I know its my fault.

 

I know there's a rift between him and her now that he's moving schools away from her and they've had some long-distance issues already. I would never want to take advantage of that but if there's even a slight chance he may love me one day it keeps me going because I don't think I've ever been so in love with anyone and its killing me. At the very least I want the same honesty I gave him - does he or did he ever have feelings for me? I'm just desperate to know, just for some closure. Multiple friends of mine have suggested he may have feelings for me, or was jealous of the others guys I've been with, without them even knowing about my feelings. I've always thought there was this...unspoken thing; romantic tension. I know I should just get over it and be okay with not having him in my life, that I need to stop being dependent on people, but I wake up thinking about him and go to sleep thinking about him and I just wish I could go back in time to when all of us where friends in high school and nothing was weird or broken.

[Hollyj]

Damn, what happened to girl code. You have crossed so many lines.

 

Why not focus on yourself and get to the bottom of your poor self esteem - why you chose abusive men. Stay clear of men for a good while, and consider therapy

 

I also suggest you stop all contact with this guy, and consider the girl you say is your friend.