Wife wants Divorce

[jayp]

Can anyone give me advice on how I should feel right now? My wife just told me that she wants a divorce and does not want to work things out. I suspect that it is because of another man. She suddenly did a 360 on me with her attitude.

[Shadows Light]

JayP.... Well... question is HOW do you feel about it? You're asking how you should feel. What makes you think it has anything to do with another man??? Becuase usually thats the first conclusion people jump to when they are faced with your situation. And... from personal experience, I can tell you that, although my husband would have said the same thing...."taken by complete surprise, total attitude change, 360... etc etc... " Our situation had been brewing for a long time and had been swept under the rug repeatedly. He'd been told over and over and over again.... "How long do you think I can take XYZ situation? How much more can I put up with? etc etc etc" and all fell on deaf ears.... until.... he got the paperwork in hand.

 

I'm sure you are devastated. Give yourself time to breathe. Give her a little space. And think things through. Let the dust settle. If there are children involved.... please don't use the kids as weapons.... and don't

use friends and family as ally's or pawns to win her back. You'll only end up pushing her further away.

[apollocreed71]

I had the same thing happen to me. We are divorced now. Only you and her know what has happened in your marriage, so only you can have a idea of why she wants a divorce. Good luck.

[brando]

I cant tell you what to feel. I hope you r feeling something. As far as what you can do.... nothing. Having gone through this myself... if i was in the situation again, i would simply act as happy as i could, i would say to her i think you are right, this marriage has definitely taken a wrong turn, and a divorce may be the best thing at this point. First of all i think she would sh**, secondly if you could pull it off, it will save on the drama.

 

I resisted the whole dilemma, did all the things dumpees do, then i realized my insecurities, my wounds from my entire life, i never dealt with properly, it did no good.

 

Try to be nice, and understanding. Your still married and this is part of being a partner. Just dont be a doormat. Take care of yourself, but try not to argue... it is just as hard on her as it may be for you.

 

Hope this helps.

[cleverme123]

If she wants a divorce and she offers no reason for it and doesn't want to reconcile there is not much you can do. I would let her intiate the paperwork and pay for it, if she wants it that bad, let her pay the fees. If she is with someone else and that is the reason that will become fairly obvious, being married and seeing someone else your vision is always cloudy.

[Utah_Jack]

Dear jayp:

 

Right now you're probably reeling from the shock, and thus feeling utter bafflement--bafflement leading to desperation.

 

I'll tell you, my wife did precisely the same thing, not five months ago, that your wife just did to you. She did agree to go to counseling sessions with me, but, after just two sessions, it was abundantly clear that she was simply doing this as a perfunctory and "gracious" leave-taking to let me down easy. Her mind was made up long before she did me the courtesy of telling me her wish.

 

She gave me all sorts of vague reasons for why she wanted a divorce--reasons that to me didn't seem to justify the "nuclear option" of divorce. I suspected there was more to the story, and asked her many, many times if there was someone else, to which she always replied, "No." I did, however, discover, through a quite suprising and upsetting turn of chance events, that she was seeing someone else. By that time, though, I had given her my car, all of our savings, and half of our possessions (You can read my story in greater detail in my "The Sorrows of a Thwarted Young Werther" post in the Divorce Forum).

 

So if she's being vague, but no less adamant, about her desire for a divorce, then you can be reasonably certain that there is someone else.

 

I don't know the divorce laws governing your state, but even if she files for a divorce from you, you can still file for a divorce from her. If you do so, she will, depending on the reasons you cite for your wanting a divorce, have to sign an affidavit concerning whether she's involved with someone else.

 

If you can live with the uncertainty, however, you should just retreat, break contact with her as soon as you can, and see to your own interests, because, I tell you, it's already over; she's already emotionally divorced you, and has simply awaited propitious circumstances (most likely a guy who will console her through the process, knowing what he'll get or is already getting in return).

 

In this situation, there is The Leaver and The Left. I was, like you, The Left, and The Left has a whole heap of unique emotional issues to deal with, which The Leaver doesn't.

 

I don't know how much you love your wife, or how committed to her you are, but it you force yourself to retreat, you can avoid a lot of future unpleasantries, because the potential is there, my friend.

 

You've already lost her; she's already gone. All the divorce is now is simply official state recognition of what she already has done in her heart. It's deeply grievous, deeply sorrowful, I know. Mourn your loss, but don't let her see you doing so. She has all the cards, and nothing short of a change of heart on her part is going to bring her back to you, for which there's always hope. A thin hope, admittedly, and one you shouldn't count on too much.

 

Please know that I completely empathize with your situation. I myself am still deeply in love with my now ex-wife; I feel every day the wounds she's inflicted on me. If that is not how you feel now, that's how you will feel eventually.

 

Feel free to contact me anytime.

 

Yours in spirit,

Utah_Jack

[igotapregnantwifeand4dogs]

ive learned that once a woman make up her mind that it's over..it is..for good.

 

all the couseling and such just drags it on.

 

breakups are like bone fractures... do them quickly and they heal quick...do them slow and suffer.

[butterflycloud]

I see a lot of people have responded to you but Id like to have my say....

I am a woman who divorced my husband- and I regret doing it!!

 

Maybe you can see your wife in me. This is my story.....

 

When I told my husband I wanted a divorce I was really crying out for help. I wanted him to know that I wasnt happy and that we couldnt go on fighting like we had been- I wanted him to see that I was desperate!! I never really wanted to get divorrced. Welanded up getting the divorce because he never really fought it and I thought that if he wasnt prepared to fight for me that he probably didnt care if we got divorce. Or it was his ego that stopped him from asking me not to go. I also had a lot of outside influence that kept on telling me that I deserved better and that he wasnt good for me- that also swayed me to believe that a divorce was the right thing to do.

 

So in a way I was 'brainwashed' by other people telling me what to do. I shouldnt have listened to them- I should have followed my own heart and given myself more time to think about it- I was too rushed.

 

So what Im trying to say is that maybe your wife is really giving you a desperate cry out for help. Perhaps she feels that she has had enough. Shre may be saying that she doesnt want councilling right now cause she is mad. She maybe feeling taht you have left the problems too late and that only now do you want to try and sort them out.

 

Leave her alone for a while...respect where she is coming from. Tell her taht you will give her space. Tell her taht you know things arent perfect and that the two of you should have sought help a long time ago. Make sure that she knows how much you dont want to loose her!!

 

Good -luck...thinking of you! Ask the angels to be with you and your wife right now. They cant change things but they can bring clarity...

[cameraguy]

Jay, read my situation..

 

link removed

[Justice33]

jayp,

 

I am sorry this is happening. I too went through the same thing 5 years ago. Friday evening everything was great. My husband told me he loved me. We had one of those relationships where in 7 years we didn't fight, we got along great and seemed head over hills in love. He wrote me letters about how much in love he was with me and even bought me a ring...all of this within the same month. Sat. afternoon ran around and I never saw it coming. I worked graveyard and sat morning we did our normal running around, but something felt off. I felt sick as soon as he walked in the door to pick me up. Standing in the hallway later that day i asked him if he loved me, which he had told me all the time, but like i said something wasn't right. He said yes and kissed me. We laid down for me to go to sleep, he was beside me. When I woke up he was gone. He told my daughter he'd "be back in a little while", I found him 3 days later at his mom's. He said he loved me but wasn't in love with me and moved in with a girl he started talking to the month before but knew in HS. I found her because they had been best friends and his reunion was coming up. I was devastated.

The point of all of this is,jayp, you never know when something will happen and how ever you feel is what is right for you. If it doesn't hurt, you do not love her and if it feels like it is going to kill you...I promise you will live. Things did not work out with this other girl. He found himself comparing her to me and decided he really did love me and that he had it much better at home. Their affair last nearly a year. It has taken alot of forgiven, not so much for cheating because anyone can make a mistake, but for leaving like he did. I will never feel comfortable in any relationship like that again. I have found a renewed love for him and things are good as far as I can see, although I am not dumb to think it WILL last forever.

You never know what the future holds. I do not know why she left or your relationship, but if it was good and she is adventuring out, she might be back. While she is gone though, work on yourself. Do what you want to do or what you missed doing as a single person and find a positive outlet ( I improved my credit and went back to school). Also, sometimes there is a little satisfaction and making someone who left think you are over them after a little while. Sometimes they think it is okay for them but when you move on they do not like it ( my husband didn't), he stayed the night at my house with the kids, he told me to stay there ( he'd still be intimate but not kiss cause it confused things lmao), I went out with the man I had started dating and stayed the night, he asked why I told him " I'd rather be with a man who wanted me then one who wanted sex), the look on his face was priceless. best of luck and if you need to talk please feel free to write.

 

Angel

[tinalynns123]

jayp

How you feel is not one emotion or feeling. I t is like being on a rollercoaster and no one will let you off, no one will let you take a breathe. I know how you feel, I am going through the very same thing. Is there another man? Is there another woman in my case? No one nos the answers but them. And do we want those answers? I don't for it will not change anything. I am sorry for you. No one should have to feel this pain. I have been married for 20 years. My husband walked in and said he did not love me anymore. Today is the third time he has walked out the door since March 15th, that is no way to live. So if I can give you any advice, it is to get started on your life, go out have a good time, don't be a yoyo. I hope there is not kids involved. If you start your life immediately without her, then if she feels she made a misstake and wants to work on things she will. If you tell her you love her and beg her to stay the farther she will go. That was working ok. But, I don't have the courage to stay with it, I wish I did then maybe I would not be alone tonight. Feel free to pm me or e-mail at my personal if you just want to chat, two people living the same nightmare.

[Libaksan]

I am in the same boat as you. I have been married 22 years and my husband walked out on me Saturday for the 2nd time in 3 months. He first told me it was because I am controlling and I needed counsling. Well I did that and was changing my ways even though I didn't see what he was talking about, but because I loved him so much I started believing that myself. I let him do what ever he wanted to. We even bought a house because he said he couldn't live in the city. I am thankful things fell thru and we never ended up getting it. He started seeing a counsler too and then we talked about seeing one together but it never got that far. He just told me that he didn't love me like a wife anymore, more like a sister. Well from time to time I think we all feel that way. He was a good hearted man but sometimes rough emotionally, abused as a child so maybe that made him emotionally rough. I am torn apart right now but I feel that this may be the best thing for both of us but I can't be sure. I really still love him. Help

[tinalynns123]

Mine will not get counciling. My father in law just called to check on me and my kids. He has no clue what his son is up to. And I dont' know it is not like him to do this and be so cold. I don't even know where he is and he did not call and check on his son to make sure when he came home from school he was ok with him being gone again. I can't stay on this roler caoster I will start looking for a lawyer tomorrow

I wish you better luck