How can I get him back apart from NC?

[camillakilla]

It's a little bit long but I am hoping that someone can help me.

 

I had been in a relationship with my ex-boyfriend for about a year, but we dated in real life for 3 months and then he went back to Korea and we became a long distance couple for the rest of the time.

 

We broke up recently, at the beginning of May and we went no contact for about 2 weeks, I did kind of beg and plead a bit before going NC. He says he lost feelings for me and that he doesn't love me anymore, since the distance and time difference and balancing university, was all becoming really stressful for him. And when we broke up he seemed as though he was crying, and I cannot understand if he is just confused about his feelings or if he just needs to be more patient...?

He really genuinely loved me, and cared for me so much, was very affectionate and I can't understand how this person can suddenly give up on our year long relationship.. I am actually going to Korea in August for a month and he refused to meet me... I'm so confused... is he just bored of me? does he need a new girl in his life?

 

After a week and a half of no contact, I couldn't stop myself or hold myself from talking to him. As I was becoming depressed, and left my job because I became that depressed and couldn't focus... and I was crying everywhere I went, because it was a real shock to me, and I just needed him to explain properly like why he suddenly had a change of feelings... And because we are a long distance couple, I thought no contact would make it worse since he's already not seeing me or getting to talk to me much because of the time difference...

 

Then again sometimes I feel like he's just making excuses because he is bored of me... but doesn't want to say it in case it hurts me... so no matter what I do, it won't change his mind....

 

We are now talking as friends, as I told him going NC is too much for me since we would call and text everyday and he's become a routine in my life... so we are 'friends' and I can see his old personality come out like when we were still together.... like his usual self... he even talks to me in the tone that he used to when we were dating... but then today we talked for an hour on the phone.. it was going great for the first half an hour and then he said 'I'm just worried that maybe you think we will get back together...' and I just replied 'I know we won't...' but deep down inside I was hoping we would...... and I poured my heart out for the rest of the conversation which I shouldnt have but I couldnt control... and cried... and yeah I just don't know what to do now.... I am so confused....... and I think the answer is he has lost feelings completely but I just want a way that could potentially make him fall for me again?

[Annia]

You can't do anything for him to fall for you again besides getting yourself together and moving on. If he wants to come back fine and you'll be in a much better position to decide if you want him, if not it's fine because you have already moved on. He made a decision and you need to respect his decision as much as it hurts. You can't convince anyone to want to be with you: “A man convinced against his own will is of the same opinion still”

 

I can assure you that staying friends with him contacting everyday only increases your hopes and is probably not going to get him back, he even said so. He knows you're there whenever he wants even though he said he doesn't want you, so he enjoys the attention and the phone conversations but that doesn't make him interested and he said so thousands of times and even said he doesn't want to see you in person. Do you want to talk with someone who talks to you only so that you don't break down again and not out of genuine feelings? Besides you're showing him despair, neediness and extreme dependance by begging, pleading and not accepting the break up nor doing NC to move on and cool things off. Do you think these traits are attractive in a girlfriend? I'm sorry but that's how exes think when they break up and the exes can't keep their head high and accept the break up.

 

You might think that being present like this helps him remember why he was in love with you or helps him not to forget about you, but in fact it prevents both of you from processing the break up and really think about what you want to do and it shows him that you can't live without him, which is not something that someone wants to feel they're responsible of, so that repels people.

 

And I can also assure you that if you keep attached to him like this and don't stop talking to him out of fear of losing the connection, one day he'll tell you about a new girlfriend and you'll be devastated. Being friends with or pretending to be friends with exes so soon after break up and while you're still hurting only does worse than good.

 

I'm sorry to be this harsh, but if you want to be happy again, even though you might not see it now, you really need to do everything possible in order to move on. Since it was long distance it'll be even easier to move on because he's far away and you won't have to deal with him on a more daily basis. Besides he was ok with NC so if you ask him to go NC and move on I'm sure he'll be respectful and won't contact you in order for you to heal. To move on besides NC is really important to work on yourself, try to see what's there to learn from all of this, hang out with friends and reconnect with people you neglected during the relationship , hanging on to old hobbies or try new ones and activities where you can be with people. Taking sometime to grief and cry and let it all out is also good, but after a while one needs to keep on moving.

 

Since you're so depressed and are even letting the break up affect your job and other parts of your life, I'd suggest some counseling too.

 

Good luck and I hope everything gets better.