My boyfriend has sexomnia(?)

[Huldra]

I am a 21 year old female who have been dating my long-distance boyfriend (25) for 2.5 years. I will very shortly be moving and we will be staying together.

 

The first time I went to visit my boyfriend, we had a lot of sex, multiple times a day. Since that time I have been struggling with depression and anxiety, and my libido as taken a plunge. About a year and a half into our relationship, I started to notice that sometimes he would grope me and touch me in my sleep. He would even go as far as to rub his exposed penis on my thighs and rub me in-between my legs. When this happened I usually just pushed him off and said "no", and he would roll over and sleep. I didnt bring this up to him until my recent visit (I would forget that it happened, because I was so groggy in the middle of the night). I remembered this time because he would go as far as rubbing me. When I told him, he looked at me with a blank stare and told me he had no recollection of this happening. I told him I had done research about it, and I read about a condition called sexomnia. He said he was really sorry and would never do something like that to me without consent.

 

We sort of didnt really talk about it after this, and I brought it back up again randomly after a few months because I was watching something on TV that had made me think about the incidents. I thought I had given him time to figure out what he was going to do about it because it makes me feel violated and like I'm a piece of meat (I told him this). When I asked him what he was going to do about his sexomnia, he didnt know what I was talking about. When I asked what he was going to do about him sexually assaulting me in his sleep he said he didnt know.

 

He didnt know.. For some reason I was feeling all kinds of emotions at once from his answer. Anger, sadness, disappointment. I lashed out on him really hard, and I asked if he had even done any reasearch on it. He said the only things that you can do is to sleep in separate beds. I asked if we could have our own covers (so that we're not under the same covers and close to each other at night). He said he didnt like the idea but that he'd do it. He says he cant afford a doctor or sleep specialist right now, but he hasnt even looked into what the cost would be to see any of them (He's going through his last year of college). He says he doesnt know how long he could sleep in different beds because he says it seems so lonely.

 

I feel so angry. I feel like if he truly was ashamed and regretted the things he had done that he would be more apologetic and less defensive about it. Im in a really tough spot, amidst of selling all of my things to move (half of my things are over there) and breaking things off would leave me in an extremely difficult situation. I dont want to break it off with him either, because in all other aspects he is a very loving person and takes good care of me through my hard times.

 

After fighting about it, and lashing out at him horribly (I of course regret this) I told him I dont care, and that I'll just kick him off if he tries to do it again.

Of course I do care, it bothers me tremendously.. Does anyone have any experience or advice for me with this situation? I dont know what to do, and it makes me feel like a piece of meat to be used when he wants. I believe he is asleep and not actually aware of what he is doing, but I cant help but resent him for it happening.. I know that doesnt really help the situation but I dont know how to deal with it

[hannahs]

I have had these situations before. I would ask my partner the same thing in the morning and he wouldnt remember anything. It didn't happen every night, but from time to time. It is honestly an unconscious thing. I always write this off as a funny thing and I think that you getting mad on him because of this is not fair. He cannot control his body when he sleeps. If this bothers you both a lot, I suggest researching on this and then seeking advice from doctors. Maybe there is a medicine for sleep abnormalities? Support your boyfriend in this and don't get mad on him, it is not his fault.

 

And it doesnt mean he doesnt respect you, he might respect you a lot, but his dreams or unconscious mind might have influence in this.

 

I think that you both wont solve this without doctor's help or sleeping separately.

[Rezie]

If this is his last year of college. Then why not sleep in different bedrooms till he graduates. Then you could look into sleep specialist together. Make it your problem as a couple instead of his problem. Alternatively a lot of universities have a doctor, nurse or psychologist at the uni for free (or cheap) so maybe pay a visit there and then see what they say.

 

You shouldn't be worried about being sexually assaulted in your sleep. Maybe before he wasn't sure about what you felt like and he didn't process it. It's a difficult subject and hard to probably accept that you do this type of thing unknowingly.

[Creacion]

It's affected your well being. It's time to dump him sexnomia or no sexnomia; it's not your issue.

[j.man]

"He said he was really sorry and would never do something like that to me without consent."

"When I asked what he was going to do about him sexually assaulting me in his sleep he said he didnt know."

 

Yeah, so this topic comes up sporadically on these forums, and every time, I notice the same theme. "Boyfriend has no idea. Boyfriend is really sorry.... " Yet boyfriend continues to sleep in the same ****ing bed.

 

Sorry, but if I were a guy who legit suffered from "sexomnia" and knew there was so much as a 0.01% chance I could end up sexually assaulting the woman I love, you better believe I wouldn't be sleeping in the same house as her, much less the same bed until I was medically and psychologically cleared. Nor do I believe any true sufferer who loved their partner would. Hence why I do firmly believe all these cases brought here are BS. Dude's got blueballs and can't be bothered to rub one out. He'll keep pressing while justifying it as never actually having penetrated you until one night you give in.

 

Sorry, but my advice is to leave-- yesterday, if possible. Even if he has a condition, that he "doesn't know what he's going to do about sexually assaulting you" is simply incredible.