The proverbial "one"

[Nebular]

I was just wondering at this; is there like a moment where you realize the person you're dating is "the one". I wonder this because I felt that about my ex, he felt it about me, like the powers that be created us for each other. But then according to him he grew bored with the relationship, and instead of trying to do something about it, he fled the scene.

 

Now I am dating this other guy. We've been "dating" per-se since mid feb. and been officially a couple since 26th of March. There was something very different about this guy when I first met him, he was very unlike the other guys I had dated. We connected right away and without effort. We felt very comfortable around each other. To me it's like finding a shoe in a perfect size that took little to no breaking in. I mean realisticlly (yeah lets prove she's a bad speller!) in reality we're in the "honeymoon" phase. It's all new and squeaky clean.

 

But before I started dating him, I'd just see him every other week at a friend's house for a game night. I'd get really nauseated knowing I was gonna see him...shaking, the whole adrenaine thing. I could hardly look him in the face. I just knew there was something gonna be very different about him. The ex really hijacked my mind (as they so often do) and so being a spiritual person I prayed that A) the next person I meet is it, and 2) that it would be just as obvious as the nose on my face that he is it.

 

It would seem this is the case. I could go on, but I digress. What do you all think? Is there a proverbial "one" and if so, how do you know when you've met them?

[Royltnxile]

Nebular,

 

I know exactly how you feel. Thats the way I felt with my g/f for the 3+ months we dated. Everything just felt perfect, easy, and comfortable. Hell, she was even more into me than I was into her at first...everything just felt right and was proceeding very pleasantly, no conflicts and hassles. No "I love you's" had been exchanged but the relationship felt like it was heading in that direction

 

Then she pushed me away out of the blue on Valentines Day because she felt we were heading that way too. She has lots of self-issues that have nothing to do with me, and I think she honestly ran for no reason because of them.

 

She very much felt like she had the potential to be "the proverbial...one".

 

Now I just feel lost and bewildered. My mind is swamped with thoughts of her and my heart saddened with the heaviest sense of loss I have ever known...and I"m 38 years old!

[Day_Walker]

There is not "a perverbial one" instead there are many out there, outside factors influence the types of relationship we have with the many people we are compatible with.

[xxserialkisserxx]

I thought that my boyfriend of 8months was what you call the proverbial one.....and I thought that he felt that same, becuase we are with each other everyday practically all day becuase we live a few houses away...and we say the i Love you's every five seconds LOL but when I confronted him about something more serious ( sex) he wasn't into it, like we do all that can be done except that but he wants to wait until he's married, which is totally fine with me in a way but hes already made it clear that all though we are in love were young and this relationship should be fun becuase as soon as he ends school it'll basically be over...this was a heartbreaker because I end school in December coming up and I can't stand to think of it ending with him. in conclusion everyone has a "proverbial one" it's just that not everyone has found them yet..

[xxserialkisserxx]

Good Luck in finding them!!

[disEnchantid]

this is something I have been grappling with myself. My current relationship is on the rocks after having broken up and reconciled previously. During the time we weren't together I felt like I had lost "the one" and that was only reinforced when we got back together, that idea that we were somehow "meant to be" despite all the hurdles and despite the now almost 3,000 miles of distance between us. As I try and decide whether to throw in the towel already and end the cycle of misery or to continue to hold onto the one person I have ever felt this close and connected to until it either fixes itself or drives itself fully into the ground, I console myself with the following.

 

If there is such a thing as "the one" and two people are truly "meant to be" then who is to say we won't come together again in the future when circumstances are more conducive to a positive relationship. Or, on the flipside, what if those feelings inside that make us feel someone is "the one" is nothing more than good rapport combined with chemical reponse that causes us to feel "in love." If so, there are potentially dozens of people out there who would feel like "the one" to us, and if something isn't working out with one of them, there is another "one" in our future.

 

The concept of soulmates is romantic, but ultimately flawed. It is an ideal, but not realistic. It helps people co-exist if they believe that person is the only one out there for them, but it also keeps people in bad, unhealthy relationships based on low self esteem and/or co-dependency.

 

Anyhow, these are just some of my thoughts on the issue. I don't pretend that they have any actual scientific validity.

[ShySoul]

If someone is "the one" then it will work out. If it doesn't then they clearly weren't the one. The problem is that we often get so caught up in our relationships that we convince ourselves someone is the one when they aren't. These false alarms can be hard and leave us confused, hurt, and bitter. But we have to pick oursleves up, learn from what went wrong, and realize that it was all a step on the road to our true soulmate.

[discordant_verse]

In the world of the Matrix, The One is Neo. Literally Jesus incarnate.

 

In the real world where we inhabit, the proverbial One is as fictional as that movie.

 

It is a fantasy and an illusion made up by people who think that if it is meant to be, it will "just happen" with little effort or work - as if a magical thing.

 

Once in a while you will meet a person who just brings out the best in you.

 

Once in a while, you will meet someone whom you just feel so "right" with.

 

Once in a while you will meet someone whom you just click with, someone with whom you just match with as if two matching pieces of jigsaws.

 

Once in a while you'll just meet someone with whom your heart gapes with such yearning you feel like you could die without them.

 

Once in a while you'll just meet someone and you will think, "OMG, he's/she's The One!"

 

All of the above are emotional illusions. Sorry kids. You gotta grow out of the fantasy world after a while; there is no Santa Claus. Love, life and relationships are hard work. ITS HARD. Dont hold to illusions. Look at this forum and you can see how hard it is to manage not just relationships, but ourselves.

 

The One is CHOSEN. YOU choose The One. They just dont appear in front of you like God reborn. YOU make the active, conscious and aware choice to invest yourself into your chosen One.

 

And it is very important to realise that The One can turn out to be Not The One. It takes two hands to clap after all. If for whatever reason, your chosen decides that you arent their chosen anymore, that's just the way it is. The One becomes Not The One.

 

You know what? This perspective of The One is the least palatable because it does not give people guarantees. Well, there are NO guarantees in this reality.

 

When you make an active, conscious and aware choice, you have to realise that you would try your very best to make it work, to the very best of your ability. And you take on the risk that it will not.

 

It is the fear of uncertainty and of change that the fantasy of The One is built upon. People WANT guarantees, people WANT it to be easy. Sorry. But that's not the way it is.

 

Regards

DV

[ShySoul]

DV,

 

I really respect you and your opinions. Sometimes you make me say "absolutely right," other times "totally wrong," and many times a mixture of both. But you always give me something to think about.

 

It's not that they are emotional illusions. All of those things can and do happen. The problem is that most people have misconceptions about things and expect everything to be perfect all the time. When they see it isn't, they give up on the idea. But if you slightly refocus what "The one" is, you'll find it's true. Someone could come into your life from nowhere and everything is wonderful, perfect even. That person could be the one. But you still have to put in the effort. Things won't always be easy even with your soulmate. But if you are truly meant to be together, then those hard times will be few and even when they happen you're love and desire to work things out will carry you through.

[discordant_verse]

Shysoul,

 

LOL. That's fine by me, mate. Its your perogative anyway.

 

Let's do the flip side.

 

Because there are no guarantees in life, one needs to have a little faith. Through whatever coincidences in life, you might come upon someone whom you find as a "most suitable mate" - use whatever nouns you want.

 

Relationships are based on trust and that's what faith is, a trust and/or belief that it would work out. And you put that emotional faith in your chosen one. However, when the faith becomes a blind one, we start moving into "illusion" territory.

 

I dont believe in "if it meant to happen" because you're giving up your control and passing on your responsibilities by saying that. If you want it enough, you make it happen. And that's where the issue of faith comes in. If you have a lot of faith that your relationship will work out, then you would put in that much more effort. If you believe that your relationship is worth it, then you would put that much more effort. But if your belief is undermined by conscious or un-conscious doubts, doubts that are not resolved or fixed, then you're in a sinking boat whether you know it or not.

 

Again, one must keep in mind that there must be two hands clapping. No matter how much faith you have, if it is not shared, then it wont happen.