so hurt and confused, someone please help!

[mandy45]

Hi there, wasn't really sure where to post this but I could really use and outsider's advice. For the past 10 months I've been in a long distance relationship with a wonderful man. Our relationship was super unlikely and started out kinda crazy. We both went to the same college together and during the last week of our senior year met each other and ended up having an undeniable connection that continued to grow over text and call despite the distance. We somehow naturally ended up in a relationship and, despite the distance, have continued to have an amazing connection. At this point we've gotten pretty serious, and for a while have been discussing him moving in with me.

 

He lives on the west coast and I'm on the east, and until now, we've been doing pretty well at long distance. We've visited around every month or two for over a week each time. We have always communicated really well, and while we've had some struggles, we've always come out of them stronger. This past year has been incredibly difficult for the both of us - I sold my family home, moved out to the city, lost both my cats, and my parents are in the midst of a very messy divorce - not to mention graduating from college has been a rough transition. He has been very depressed, he had been living with his mom and her boyfriend, but the boyfriend ended up being really horrible to them and kicking them out of the house so he ended up staying at his mom's friend's house. His mom also has MS so of course her health has been something he has always been very concerned about. The longer he has stayed where he is, the worse his depression has become. He has lost all motivation to do things - he no longer works out, studies, plays music, spends times with friends - all things that are very important to him. He has even lost 20 pounds of muscle in the time I've known him because he went from working out all the time to not at all. He played waterpolo in college, and loves to swim, but even though he got a pass to a pool near him he's only been a handful of times. His depression and lack of motivation has definitely caused some problems through our relationship, mainly me wanting him to go therapy, but we've been working through it.

 

We talked about him moving over here for ages- originally he wanted to come in September, then January, then it went to July, then next January, then, eventually, to April. In September he wanted to move over for a job he was interested in - but he waited so long to apply that by the time he did he was too late. None of the other plans were really set in stone until we landed on April, though I was of course frustrated that the date kept changing. We decided that he would move in with me in April and then after a bit move to Boston (where he has always wanted to be) and it seemed like the perfect plan. Months ago we decided on April, everything was looking good - he bought a one way plane ticket, he told his job (which has a bunch of locations throughout the country) and successfully transferred to where I am, he told all his friends and family and they were all supportive - and we talked about it, our excitement to finally be together and the move, all the time. I visited him in February for Valentines Day and things were really awesome between us, it felt more comfortable that it had been before, and we had a lot of fun together. Valentines Day was lovely, and he wrote me the sweetest card. He even got a calendar and had started writing out all the activities he wanted us to do together when he finally moved over. I even met his grandparents and told them we were moving in together. We were very confident in him moving over, and he talked about how excited he was to live in the big city with me and finally realize our potential as a relationship.

 

Since we'd last seen eachother things had been good, we've been talking a lot about the move and about our plans and were pretty solid. We both felt happy and confident in the relationship. Talked literally all the time about how excited we were to finally close the distance, made plans to do so many things. We had some issues because he had been getting closer with coworkers and I wasn't used to him hanging out with girls one on one, and there was one girl I was wary of because I thought that they hung out for too long in too private an environment to be comfortable with. But he apologized, agreed, and we set healthy (not restrictive) boundaries on how to hang out appropriately with girls, or in my case guys. I still felt wary of this girl so he was waiting until I felt better to spend time with her. Shortly after that my roommate said that she was moving out, I suspect because she felt uncomfortable living with us - even though I'd asked her so many times about it and told her if she wasn't then we would figure something else out. I was very upset and stressed about rent, and he was completely there for me - told me how we would struggle together and make this work together and that he is not going anywhere and is here for me. In an effort to make me happy, he posted on facebook about our relationship and wrote about how much he cares about me and how wonderful I am.

 

So I'd been dealing with that and all was smooth sailing for the most part, until he went to a work party, got really drunk and ended up kissing that girl I disliked. This happened the day after publicly posting how much he cared about me on facebook. He called me the night after and told me he didn't feel like he should move here, I was blindsided but knew that something had happened and he told me all about it. He was really drunk and she was the aggressor, and he told me right away and felt horrible for it. We talked all night the night he told me. The conversations were rough, he was close to saying we should break up because I deserve someone much better than him and because he didn't understand how he could do something like this to me if he loved me as much as he had thought. We talked a lot and eventually got to place where he felt horribly and wanted to make it up to me in anyway possible. The next night he was still having doubts about moving and said that he didn't think he could go through with it. I was so upset that I had him talk to both my mom and I about it. The move makes sense for reasons other than our relationship because it is the better move for him financially, career wise, for his friendships, and in general for his mental health as he's been dying to get away since he went back home. We decided that, in order to make it easier for him, we would give it a try for 3 months and if it didn't work out he could go home - but if it did he would stay. He, again, felt awful for continuing to hurt me and apologized a ton and promised this was it. I was really hurt and upset about everything but after talking to my mom and sister about it, decided that I should give him another chance.

 

After that I was obviously stressed and not really up to trusting him but he continuously reassured me that everything would be ok, that he would never hurt me like this again, and that we would make it through this. He didn't, and still hasn't, hung out with any girls one on one and sent me sweet texts of reassurance all the time. Things were hard but we were making it through. Additionally, he was still stressed about making the big move, which I of course understood, so I talked him through his anxieties as well and supported him. He was so grateful for my support and told me so often how he loved me, wanted to be with me, and wanted to give his all to our relationship. We had finally gotten to a point where I was starting to forgive him a bit and he was starting to calm down about moving over. This has all been over the course of a week and a half. This past weekend things were going really well for us, he kept telling me about how he was packing his things and planning his remaining time there. I had a really rough day on Sunday (things with my dad and other estranged family members) and he talked me down and was really helpful to me in that time. We facetimed and things felt normal! He had sent me a bunch of incredibly sweet and thoughtful gifts to give me a more tangible expression of his love and we opened them together. We talked excitedly about how we'd see eachother in 9 days.

 

Next day, Monday, he sends me a super sweet text in the morning and then I don't hear from him much. I reason with myself that he's at work and oftentimes can't text while he's there. We already made plans to facetime that night. Still I couldn't shake the feeling that something was up. When he called me he told me that we "need to talk" so I of course knew something was wrong. Turns out he can't move over, and told his work that he is going to stay (without telling me beforehand), and also knows of an apartment with a work friend he could live in. I was so upset that I just hung up on him. He called me again and I screamed at him for being so hurtful and horrible and completely blindsiding me and destroying all our plans together. He said that he wants to stay for his job, mainly his coworkers, (one of whom he cheated on me with) even though the job itself pays very little and is also available on the east coast for more money but less hours. He also said that he didn't want to leave his mom, even though if he moved out and was working like he is now (6 days a week to make any kind of money with this job) will not see her much. Especially if he only stayed for three months, being away that long wouldn't do any damage to their relationship. He also didn't want to lose the opportunity with this apartment with his coworker, even though staying in my apartment he wouldn't have to be paying rent for. This was originally the whole point of him moving over, to save money and improve his finances. In living there for the past 10 months, he has saved barely any money and that's without paying for rent so I'm not even sure how he's expecting to make ends meet supporting himself.

 

We talked for 4 hours, I told him all the reasons why moving over still made the most sense for him and it didn't seem to be making much headway. I told him I thought that his depression was preventing him from making such a big move, and then he was not acting like himself because normally he would never do something this hurtful (twice). I told him I felt like he was having a mental breakdown, and was self sabotaging all of his plans because he was scared of making a change. He agreed and told me that he knows he's not himself right now, and that he's acting in ways that is isolating him from his friends, me and his mother. He cried to me telling me that he wants to change and wants to give me what I deserve, and promised on his mother's life that he would come over and we would work through this.

 

In the morning I wrote an email to him telling him all the reasons why it makes the most sense for him to come over, putting the emphasis on him instead of on our relationship. He told me he was also planning on writing me a letter. We talked on his lunch break and he sounded like he had decided again, after swearing on his mother's life, that it was best for him to stay. He also told me that he wants to be with me still and that he loves me. I told him I didn't want to talk about this until he had had a chance to read my email and respond to it. He wouldn't be getting home until around 11 my time and so he wouldn't have a chance to read or respond to the letter for a bit. He texted me when he got home saying that he looks forward to reading my email and told me how much he cherished this relationship and how he's so thankful that he's had me in his life for this long. He said that he would take his time and respect my words and respond in the most heartfelt way he can. I didn't respond because I was asleep. In the morning he texted me that he was still in the process of writing a response email to me and said that he didn't want to rush this message and wants it to be clear and warm, much like mine was. He said he'll send it to me at the end of the day. I told him that I also wanted to talk to him about this all, and regardless of anything, see eachother in person even if it isn't for long. He agreed to coming to see me for a week if his work allows it (which is total bull because before Monday he wasn't even supposed to be working there at that time).

 

I'm so confused, and so so hurt, and I truly don't undestand what happened to the man I love or even if our relationship is going to continue. We had planned out the next 7 months of our relationship and were about to be moving in together and now I don't even know if we'll stay together! I told him that if he doesn't come here, after everything else he's done to me in the past week and a half, then I would have to seriously consider ending our relationship. But it seems that he has already made the decision to stay where he is so I really don't know what to do. I'm afraid that he is going to end our relationship over this email he's writing me, but I don't even know if that's the case.

 

I really think that what happened is that things were about to get serious, he was about to make a huge change in his life and he completely freaked out and self-sabotaged - starting with kissing that girl. I think his depression has gotten the best of him and that he is staying where he knows simply because he is scared to venture out of his comfort zone. It should be mentioned here that he also wrote a post on facebook the day before cheating being open about his depression and saying he's ready to finally start being proactive in his life, even if that means doing difficult things and being uncomfortable or struggling. He told me, as well, that he was ready to work for our relationship in every way and that he wanted to struggle for us and make this relationship, and this move, something amazing. I'm starting to think at this point that he might actually have a mood disorder like Bipolar or Borderline, because he has been so all over the place and so back and forth in making this decision. I'm concerned about him, and I'm heartbroken at the idea of him not moving here, or worse, not being a part of my life anymore. The way he has been acting this past week and a half is so unlike anything I've ever seen from him before. For the rest of our relationship he has never treated me like this, and he has always been thoughtful, considerate and kind to me and to everyone. We get along so well and have a crazy amount in common, we're into the same music, we had the same major, we're both political activists, we watch the same tv shows, have similar senses of humor, enjoy being outdoorsy and adventurous, the list goes on and on.

 

I was so excited to take the next step in our relationship and now I'm so confused. Does he want to be with me? Does he love me like he said he did? Do we have a future? If he's not moving over should I really end things with him? If he says that he'll move over later should I believe him? It honestly feels like he is always going to freak out about moving, and is always going to come up with reasons not to in the last second. I really want him to go to therapy, but I'm not sure how to get him to do that. I just have a million questions running through my head and I am a total mess right now. I can't eat, I can't sleep, and I'm about to be entirely alone in my apartment for the first time when the original plan was to be living with one of my best friends and my boyfriend. I need some sort of outsider's perspective on everything that has happened because none of it makes any sense to me. I love him so much and I genuinely thought we had a future together, the day before he kissed that girl we were jokingly talking about kids names together.

 

If someone could please offer any advice, insight or help I would really appreciate it. Right now we haven't been talking much until we both send those letters because the conversations just end in us both crying. I'm just so concerned about everything, and I fear that, even aside from our relationship, not coming here is going to me a huge mistake and result in him never moving over - which has been his plan since before I entered his life.

 

Also I'm sorry this is so ridiculously long!

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. LDRs are difficult even with frequent visits. Also this seems like way too much too soon for dating only 10 mos and no less long distance, no?

 

It sounds like he was hesitant all along to move away from his job, friends, family and home. It also sounds like he was planning all along to get a place there and stay with his job. The move may have been to risky for him after dating long distance only 10 mos and with family issues at home..

 

It doesn't sound like he was stringing you along or sabotaging this but that he didn't know how to let you down easy and say he really didn't want to move.

 

Hopefully you can find a new roommate and sort things out in your mind in time.

For the past 10 months I've been in a long distance relationship with a wonderful man. He called me the night after and told me he didn't feel like he should move here. Turns out he can't move over, and told his work that he is going to stay (without telling me beforehand), and also knows of an apartment with a work friend he could live in.

[mandy45]

Thanks for your support. Just wanted to let you know that since he went to college on the east coast, all of his friends are actually here which is why it was his plan all along to come here. I also told him that if he wanted to stay and take care of his mom I totally understand that, but the way this set up would be would involve him hardly seeing her. He also has a job waiting for him here that pays better than the one he is currently at. I can tell you for sure that his plan has been to move over to the east coast since before I even knew him.

 

You're right though that it is a lot for a relatively new relationship, we've known this whole situation has been kinda crazy the whole time but we decided this mostly because it would be an intermediary point for him before he goes to live with his friend in Boston. We also decided a while ago that neither of us would want him to move and uproot his life just for our relationship, but because it was something he had been planning to do for years. I could understand him not wanting to move over I guess, but it's more that he was so excited and set on it for so long and then just totally changed his mind last second.