My feelings right now

[Justaguy21]

I'm so consumed with my breakup that it is controlling me and every aspect of my day. I can't sleep and I can't eat. If I eat I feel like I want to throw it up. I'm on anti depressents and they are not helping in the least. I try to keep myself busy by working like a slave at work but to no avail throughout my day I just constantly think about her and what possibilities there are with me. I talk my friends head off and I feel terrible because I over analyze stuff to the point of insanity and I can't help it. My ex is coming down next weekend and I'm going to ask her out to lunch and try to be friends and see what happens.

 

I've been working out and improving my body so in hopes that she will think that I'm moving on and be more attractive, otherwise I would probably just sit at my house and check my e-mail every minute to see if she emailed me which she hasn't yet and never will. It's so depressing to read these forums, I know they are helping but they also help me see that relationships are a fing game. I'm a nice attractive guy who is commited and is sweet but that isn't enough? I tell her we should go to relationship counseling and she said yes but later refused saying it was too late and too expensive eventhough I said I would pay.

 

I just don't understand. I want to let her go but I can't, I love her so much. How can someone tell another person that they want to give birth to your children and act like they are having an awesome time when deep inside she is miserable and can't communicate? I shouldn't be punished for this crap, if anything I should get another shot. I hate how the first love is just that, the first love. I hate being told, you were my first love....blah...blah... stupid b.s. Woman why can't I be your last love like you said a week ago but then you go 180 on my a$$ and leave me in the dirt with no talking at all, nothing, no calls, nothing. Went from talking every night to her just shutting me out like I'm some jerk, when I'm far from it.

 

She is very attracted to me and is very physical in person but when she is away and on the phone she is very distant and cold. This is where my chances are best I think. I want to look so damn good that when she comes down she will be like "damn", but I doubt that would even work since she is stubborn as hell. I get so many damn mixed signals from her I don't what to fing do. I know that I should move on and not wait for her to make up her mind or just give her space but to me and my heart it's bull sh*t, mostly for the reason again that life is nothing but a stupid game full of lies and dumb meaningful tactics. I hate hearing and saying, oh you'll regret that you broke up with me or she will regret...blah..... I hate saying that because I feel I just dig myself deeper into a whole of dispair. I'm not suicidal or anything it's just my confidence is nothing anymore. When we started to date, I was the confident one and now she is. Crazy how tables have turned.

 

I don't know what else to do. I want to call her very very bad and just tell her that I want the honest fing truth and so that I can move on with my life and never look back but instead I get lies and signs of love. Love is a joke to me now, I feel like just going out and being a domineering jerk because the way I read about it they get all the woman, not the nice guys.

-justaguy

[smiles314]

Hey...

 

Well I'm a woman...but I just wanted to say that we are not the enemy. There are many females who like sweet caring guys, not all of us like the jerks..Do you really want ur ex back? I don't have much advice to offer you because unfortunately I am going through the same thign right now with my ex bf. I could spend the time complaining about him but I wouldn't want to bore you. I just thought it mite help to hear that someone is going through the same situation as you are right now..BUt within time it has gotten better for me..And I'm less depressed and stuff.. If you ever would like to talk or vent I'm always here..Just PM me or post again.. And maybe this girl just doesn't know what the hell she wants,,,but games doo suck I agree!!

 

GL

[Justaguy21]

Thanks smiles. I was just venting out my frustration. I called my buddy and vented to him a little. I just don't understand, at all. How can you tell someone you don't love them anymore like that but when you ask them if they let some guy kiss them at a bon fire (which I know absolutely happened) she can't admit it even when I said in a calm voice, "listen, i won't get mad or upset I just want to know the truth so I can move on" and she denies it and denies it saying she isnt with anyone. Arg, just tell me the truth so I can move on, she is not letting me move on with my life, instead she is keeping me on this invisible leash of little human dignity so that in the summer she may want to get back with me or some sh*t. ARG, ARG and double Arg.

-justaguy

 

Also, how in the hell can you tell someone everytime you see them how happy you are too see them and be all affectionate and loving and wimper when they get up and go to bathroom to signal they want you back and want you to stay just that extra hour or that extra night and then three days later spill out how miserable you are inside and how you couldn't wait to break up and the only reason you stayed with me is because you didnt want to hurt my feelings? Hmmmm, then why did you wear my promise ring everyday even to the last week? Why did you show me that wedding section of the cosmo to get my opinions of our wedding? Why did you want me to come down at 11 oclock at night so that I could stay in bed with you and extra night? why? why? It dosn't make sense. Gosh, make up your mind and call me PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[smiles314]

Schziophrenia? I Dun't know but I can ask you the same thing. I think you are verrrry angry and need to run or something to burn off your frustrationg.. It isn't healthy!!!

[Justaguy21]

No it's not healthy. I try to keep active; example: lifting weights and running but I can never fully get it off my mind and have a good time. All I can think of is this guy trying to hook up with my ex. I'm just fed up with this B.S. it's not fair. Why can't she just make up her fing mind and let me go or not let me go. I don't want to be dragged along any more but she wont allow me to stray. I'm a great guy with awesome attributes but she dosn't see that, all she sees is this new LIFE she has in college now and the new COOL people she's hanging out with. The dumb broad is making me soo mad I want to go down there and just end this crap permanently by just chewing her out and saying SEE YA, but that's not me..... My heart says that I need to stick with it but my brain is telling me that I probably wont ever be able to trust her again and that's if we get back together which I think the chances are like 1 out of 100. Arg!

-me

[smiles314]

Hey Just... Thanks for your reply to my post.. Much appreciated.. I tried writing you a PM but i dont know if you got it.. MAybe you will read this first.

 

I feel really bad because I know exactly how you feel too.. It is just awful. It seems that our exs, shouldnt even have to think twice about us..we are both good people.. I know our ex's are different people. But maybe since niether of them are straight fwd abotu what they want..and we know what we want, we should back off entirely. I wonder what would happen if we just stopped doing are usually things. Stopped caring, stopped contact w/ them all together. Just stopped aside for a few months, and showed them what its like when we arent there for them. Isn't ur ex out of college for now? I mean if she sees your not there for here, wanting her maybe she will wake up. Maybe its good to test the waters with other people.. but i sometiems even wonder about fate, and people meant to be with eahc other. It's tough I kno..and im a little scared about what time will bring. But maybe knowing what else is out there, and figuring if these guys are the 1 is a good idea.. I don't know really. But i do know that there are people who def treat us better. And we are too good to just be put aside and not top priority.!!

 

[Justaguy21]

Smiles I agree completely. I know what I want, I've always have. I'm the kind of guy girls want to marry and have a family with. Both my ex's before this one regret breaking up with me but I knew they werent the ones, but this one, I feel something. I want to let her go and give it space but she is also very very very stubborn and would rather eat worms then admit she is wrong. So a lot of times I have to initiate everything, as such in the case of me wanting to ask her out to lunch this coming monday. I'm so damn afraid that I'm making a mistake or that I'll say something stupid or she will regret my request saying its too early. I hate this, she grew up being implosive and it's carried onto our relationship. If she just communicated with me we would still be together right now, but no, she just kept everything inside and then BOOM down goes me. Right now I'm a mess but I can act like I'm fine and that's what I'm going to have to do when I see her. She thinks I'm broken down on the outside but far from it. I don't know what else to do, I feel like I'm relying on her physical attraction towards me more then anything and that's horrible but I don't know what she is thinking and maybe never will.

 

But this summer I'm either going to get back with her or finally know the truth because there is no way in hell she is dumping me without the truth, because you can't go 180 in one week especially how she treated me when I saw her. Also, np about replying to your post, my pleasure. It's good to talk to people who are in the same dilema as I'm in. About you thinking about other people well yea you will fall in love again but don't give up if there is still hope because you don't want regret, believe me, I don't want it. I want to know that I put my all into it and if not succeed then oh well, at least I'll walk away knowing I put my soul into everything.

-me

[foolish]

HI, Like I said before I really think that this girl is playing games with you. My ex did the same s*it. She won't admit to her wrong doing because she doesn't want you to think she is a bad person. Taking her to lunch will also just hurt you more. Are you sure she doesn't have someone? When you said "she won't let me stray," excuse me but she does not control you. You are your own person. No one can tell you what to do except you. Smiles314 even said to stop all contact with her. It will do you some good in the long run. It sounds like you are infatuated with this girl. You are letting her win by lowering yourself to her. Wake up and smell the truth. Forget the B**ch. It is still hard for me to move on from my ex. But I keep telling myself this. I deserve better and he's out having fun and so should I. I just keep thinking thank god we didn't get married and had kids. That would of made our break up 10 times worse.